30 Day Paleo Challenge- I’m Going PRIMAL!

For the past 2 years, I haven’t had a single sip of beer.  Sounds nutts right?  I mean, I was the beer bong guy.  I’m DrinkBait, Biatch!  What the hell am I doing not drinking beer?

Well it turns out I am allergic to a couple foods and intolerant to many more.  I took the Alcat Allergy Test and it really made sense why my favorite meal, pizza and beer, made me feel sick as a dog for days afterwards.  Turns out, I am severely allergic to casein, the main protein found in dairy.   And I am also severely  intolerant to gluten, bell peppers, brewer’s yeast, hops, and barley.  So basically the only thing in pizza and beer that I wasn’t allergic to was the tomato sauce.  Unless that had peppers in it which happens half the time.

This was both welcome news, and a punch in the gut.  I had spent years in my adult life knowing something was wrong.  I was always tired, frequently anxious and / or cranky.  My mind was foggy.  I always carried weight around my waist and felt bloated.  My guts just never felt right. I was happy to finally know where this feeling was coming from.  It was jsut sad that is was caused by the very things I loved most.

I was a beer drinker’s beer drinker.  LOVED me some Bass Ale.  Loved me almost every kind of beer that existed.  I was both a beer snob and a coors lite drinker at the same time.  I loved it all.  My favorite food has always been pizza.  Fancy, deep crust, thin crust, extra cheese, various toppings… pizza was like sex.   Even bad sex is better than no sex.  Same with pizza.

So, I had to quit.  I adopted a diet that made it virtually impossible to eat out.  No flour, no wheat or bread, and no dairy.  No butter.   I couldn’t eat really anything on any menu because of how common these two things are.   To this day if I go out to eat, I have to eat at home first.  I can’t go to somebody’s house and have a home cooked meal because it’s so hard to avoid these two ingredients that they have no idea they are poisoning me and just by trying to give me something delicious, they are partially responsible for me feeling like crap for  the next few weeks.

When I first adopted this diet, my body started to transform.  My muscles got bigger, and my waist got smaller.  I started looking great!  But unfortunately this was short lived… The longer I stayed on this diet, the more things I found that were bad for me that I *could* eat.  I have never had a big sweet tooth, but since my food choices were so limited, and sugar wasn’t something I was allergic to, I started to eat candy.  More candy than ever.   I would smash a 3 pound bag of hot tamales in a day easy, and still eat a big dinner.

I started killing myself in a new way.  And my body started morphing back into the same shape I was in initially.  And with the sugar came new problems.  After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or thirsty.  I was just always hungry.  I had such strong problems with hydration my muscles would cramp up every single day.  My blood was so thick, my vision was kind of blurry and my arms and legs would go to sleep multiple times a day.  And I was getting acne like a teenager.  My back, shoulders, and face looked like a greasy teenager despite taking 1-3 showers a day.

So I decided, it’s time for a change.  I need to clean myself out.  There’s no way I am going vegetarian, I just don’t believe in that.  Humans did not evolve eating only veggies and fruits.  Since the caveman days we have been eating animals, veggies, and fruit.  We have evolved to eat this way.  We did not evolve looking at a stalk of wheat, thinking “mmm delicious!”, in fact, the thought of eating hay like that should invoke a primal reaction of grossness.  I’m not going Atkins because any diet that says no vegetables is clearly not healthy.  I decided I was gonna eat the way humans evolved to eat.  I was gonna eat like a caveman.  Veggies, fruit, and meat.

I’m going Primal.  Straight Paleo Caveman Diet BIATCH!Paleo for Dummies

It’s been 3 days since I started my paleo diet, and I can say I already feel different.  My head isn’t as foggy, now I can tell when I’m thirsty, and my acne is starting to clear up already.  And I’ve lost 5 pounds too (surely water wight but it’s a great way to kick off a new diet.)

It hasn’t been easy, since I am so used to grabbing a spoonful of peanut butter whenever I feel like snacking.  but admittedly it’s probably easier for me than the average Joe since I am used to having a restricted diet.  But I am so used to having candy around the house, and easy options.  Now instead, I have a kitchen full of fruits and veggies.  And when I get my typical late night boredom cravings, I walk into the kitchen and I am  forced to choose between all healthy options.  In days, my late night snacking has already been curbed because there’s no comfort snacks that contain sugar just sitting there for me.  In fact, I walk into the kitchen bored and walk out with a glass of water now.

I will post before and after pics when I finish a month of living primal.  Hopefully my caveman diet gets me caveman ripped.  I mean seriously, ever heard of a fat caveman?

The IRS Sucks. And so does TurboTax.

Holy crap check this out. I was penalized 6k in 2007 despite overpaying by 2k, because TurboTax did not transmit the money on the 14th of April, even though I got a successful transmission message after clicking the button. I was notified after the deadline, by the IRS, that they never got my payment. So I hired a tax lady, who wrote me a nice letter and attached some screen shots of my TurboTax account showing I paid on time and it was a software problem. So I thought I cleaned up last year’s problem. I was stoked!

I literally just licked the envelope to send off the correspondence to the IRS about the 2007 problem, and continued to tend to my bills. In the pile, there was another letter from the IRS. This one says I owe almost 18k for my 2006 taxes. Because apparently, TurboTax did the same thing that year. But the IRS waited almost 2 years so they could add an additional 6k in penalties and interest.

So now, out of the blue, I am 22k in the hole with the government. And I swear I paid that 12k, I remember it clear as day. In 2006 I found out the transmission did not go through and sent them a check. Bank of America said they cannot find the check, but I remember it plain as day.  Plus both years, I was paying my taxes the whole time.  But of course, the IRS can always figure out ways to squeeze a little extra out of a brotha.

I called the IRS, and they basically said I am S.O.L. and any problems I have had with software have nothing to do with the bottom line, which is, I owe them 22k right now. And as for Bank of America, it’s not like I backed up my transaction logs, so I depend on their system to pull data when needed.

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but how the heck did both B of A and the IRS lose record of that transaction? And how can The IRS justify waiting until 6k in interest and penalties is accrued to inform me about the 2006 problem?  And how can they justify penalizing me 6k for OVERPAYING my taxes by thousands of dollars just a few weeks late?  Especially considering I TRIED to pay on time and the software was to blame?

This is how.

The government totally sucks you motherfucker.

What Happens AFTER You Get Your Identity Stolen

Having your identity stolen is far more damaging than just losing money. I never realized how much of a tangled web finances and real life obligations where until I had to rebuild that web from scratch. When a thief cleared out my checking account from 5 different Bank of America branches using a fake ID, it basically turned my life upside down.

I learned the hard way. There are lots of things I could have, should have, and would have done better to avoid some of this mess. But I trusted the system and I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I had no idea that the system could fail me as hard as it did. Regardless, even the most paranoid person can be a victim. No amount of looking over your shoulder can guarantee that a really motivated criminal can’t screw up your life.

The Time Drain – You Pay for Other People’s Mistakes

The amount of work that you have to do to regain and protect your identity is a lot bigger than one might think. Get a new license. Close bank accounts. Open bank accounts. Contact all credit bureaus to freeze your credit and activate fraud alerts. Contact the FTC and report ID theft. Call here, email here, drive here, sign this, mail this, certified mail that, change all your accounts everywhere for everything. Update all your passwords and *remember* them. (for me, there are hundreds of those, I’m a web geek)

I found out the hard way just how bad customer service is in the US. When dealing Corporate America your work is basically tripled. Fixing this mess takes days, not minutes or hours.

Your Tangled Financial Web

Think about this for a minute. I have numerous mortgages, insurance policies, car payments, security systems, hosting, domains, financial products, water, electricity, phones, internet, cable, exterminator, HOA fees, etc etc. The list goes on. And almost every one of those bills has it’s own bill pay system. Initially I used my Bank of America Bill-Pay to consolidate all this mess, but after a few mishaps with the system causing late payments, I moved the automation to all the external systems. It’s a huge intertangled web. All of it was connected to my checking account in one way or another.

So when you shut down your bank account, the onus is on YOU to rebuild this web. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how big the web is until you step back an look at it. It’s probably bigger than a lot of people think. Add a new driver’s license to the mix, and things can get hairy. Some systems rely on old information to authenticate you, so updating your identity can also cause problems when moving accounts or changing your bank information.

Online Account Management- Managing to Waste Much More of Your Time Because it’s Free

Now let’s just look at the online portion of your new part time job. Common sense says, use a very esoteric password that would take a computer a zillion years to crack. Okay, that’s not hard. But some systems require at least one number and some don’t let you use numbers. Some require at least one special character and some don’t let you use special characters. Some force you to use exactly 8 digits. Some are 4 digit pins that can only be numeric. Some are email addresses (and I have like 50, including some old ones that are no longer active). Some require you to change them at intervals, and you can never repeat a previous password… So now you have a pile of user names and passwords. And there is no real secure way to have these stored except in your head.

Point is, just logging in to your online account management systems for various creditors and payees takes *HOURS* to accomplish. Then their systems that bury phone numbers and force you to use awkward FAQ sections that are never even close the what you are looking for. You’re spending an inordinate amount of time bouncing around a website, growing contempt for the company you’re trying to contact. You can tell they are trying to avoid you from picking up that phone and calling a CSR because those cost money.

The Phone System is a People Trap Manned by Robots and Degenerates

Now, if you’re lucky, you finally found a phone number on the website. Try calling that number to get to an actual person, and you wade through menu after menu of the same crap the website was trying to tell you. Recorded voices trying to prevent you from talking to a real person. Asking you to type in personal information, or God forbid your frikkin account number. Now, like a good identity theft victim should, you’re already shredding all your mail and trying to prevent any bills from ever hitting your mailbox anyways by going paperless. How the hell can I key in my account number if I can’t find it on the website and I shred all evidence that an account even exists? Some of them say “No account, no problem, just type in your Social security Number!” Uhm, yeah. I’m about to start typing my SSN now that I am completely paranoid about it.

Now, you finally figure out how to get to a person. (tip, always try hitting 0 when asked to key in stuff and you don’t want to) And you’re on hold. Forever.

Customer Service? More like Call Center Quota Service…

Usually after about 5-10 minutes of navigating through the phone system (provided it didn’t hang up on your or disconnect you by “mistake”) then maybe if you’re lucky you get to a real live person. Sometimes you get a really nice, pleasant, and somewhat sharp person who knows how to listen and is motivated to help, but that’s rare. Usually it’s a degenerate who wants to put you on hold to keep the phone call as long as possible so they hit their call center’s connect time quota. Or a degenerate who wants to push you off the phone as fast as possible to hit their call center’s call volume quota.

And in the worst case, you get a used care salesman who doesn’t care about your problem and is pushing you hard to buy something, to hit their call center’s sales quota.

There is No Such Thing as Privacy when You’re Just Another Number

In all, it has been an eye opener on many fronts. Corporations that handle your money for the most part don’t give a crap about you as an individual. Smaller companies tend to have people who are more in touch. A lot of people have access to the general public’s private personal information. A lot of people you don’t know have access to almost everything about you. There is no such thing as privacy. And customer service sucks across the board for the most part.

Now, I got a lot of feedback about missing work to take care of this stuff, but you know what? I have missed work already a couple of times because of it, and I am still not done cleaning up the mess. Identity theft is the gift that keeps on giving.

Who is at Fault?

As much as some people on Digg want to point out that I am at fault for some of this, it’s hard to hear that when information about you that is non-private is all a thief needs to walk into a bank and clean out your checking account. Now, I did lose my wallet… Or it was stolen. On that part I’m not sure. It’s not like the guy used my debit card. That was canceled immediately.

I did have a high balance in my checking account, but it was an interest bearing account which was just moved out of a CD for reasons I don’t feel I need to explain to the internet. I’m not irresponsible with my money or my identity. Sure, I could have taken more paranoid measures to try and lock it up, in retrospect I wish I did. But I don’t think I need to be any more paranoid than I already am, and if a theif can walk into a bank with a fake ID and take out 40k without any problems, then no amount of credit monitoring or home security would have helped. And I didn’t know you could put alerts on your accounts, I never thought I needed to. I trusted the bank’s system. I thought those kind of alerts were a given.

I have a home security system, and a home surveillance system. I own a gun, which comes with it’s own set of problems but still, it’s another type of home security. I don’t write my passwords down anywhere. I watch people closely. I’m not paranoid, but I am not mindlessly fumbling around in life waiting to become a victim. I thought I was doing what I was supposed do, but of course, now I’m much more vigilant about such things.

But the problem still remains. As long as the system is designed so that numerous people have easy access to your personal information and your money, you will *always* be relying on somebody else to protect them.

Also FYI- I was told from a person in the fraud department that I should be getting a call from Bank of America’s executive communications people. Stay tuned, I’ll post their response to the problems I encountered. I’ll also be posting the actions Bank of America has taken since the crime occured. Bank of America has already paid the claim, so I have my money back.

Way to Spot Suspicious Activity Bank of America

I used to think identity theft was just an over-hyped gimmick to get people to pay for credit reports and monitoring. That is, until my checking account was cleared out. Turns out, most major banks are not well equipped to handle ID theft, or even your money for that matter.

Late Thursday night, I got a call from the Phoenix Police Department. The officer said they had a subject in custody who had two forms of ID with my information on it.  Then the guy asked what I looked like. At first I thought it was a prank because people were joking around the office that I missed work on a Monday because I “lost my wallet”. As the officer began rattling off my personal information, I quickly realized this was no joke.

They said they caught this guy at BestBuy trying to use somebody else’s credit card to buy a whole bunch of computers. Apparently BestBuy’s register system pops up an alert code if there is somebody trying to use a card that has been reported lost or stolen, and they call the cops. Impressive. The police caught the guy red handed. With drugs. And paraphernalia. And a bunch of people’s personal information.

At the time, I thought they got the sucker before he could do any real damage. But just to be safe, I checked with Bank of America. I was shocked to see my account was overdrawn by almost $300. Last I checked, I had almost 40k in there.

A quick review turned up 5 suspicious transactions. Two were deposits, and three were withdrawals. All five transactions occurred *inside* five different Bank of America banking centers. What amazed me most is the final two transactions. A withdrawal of 26k. And later that day, another withdrawal of 12.5k. Way to spot suspicious activity Bank of America. They handed the guy almost 40k in cash in one day.

Turns out the first two transactions where not just deposits. They were checks written to me, Christopher Hooley. The first one was $6200. The guy kept $5k and left $1200 in my account. The next one was a day later at a different center for $7500. Again, the guy kept $5k. I saw the debit slip online, and this guy’s signature wasn’t even a remote attempt to copy mine. To make matters worse, it turns out he was forging checks from another valley business, who subsequently called the police on ME!

After seeing his writing, all of the sudden it felt personal. That was MY name, written as sloppily as I had ever seen it. Now I had to find out who this guy was.

A detective from the Phoenix PD was already assigned to my case. I never actually even spoke with him. I sent the detective an email with the list of fraudulent transactions on my bank account and that was pretty much all he needed. But I had his email address, so I shot him an email asking who the thief was.

The detective told me the suspect’s name was Christopher Cantrell. An identity thief heavily involved in drugs. That’s all I needed to know to find his case on And right there in front of me was his mug shot and list of charges.  I dug further on Instant Checkmate and found even more garbage on this guy.  This guy, is a total low life.

Check this out:

Christopher Cantrell

Chris Cantrell


Booked: 07-09-2008

D.O.B: 10-11-1975
Height: 5’09
Weight: 200

In Custody For:

As you can see from the picture above the huge rap sheet, he’s pretty much a spitting image of me. So it’s understandable why 5 separate bank of America branches where confused, and allowed him to make huge cash withdrawals. He has trusting eyes.

But just for conjecture’s sake, here’s a picture of me.

Chris Hooley

The moral of this story is, if you want to steal somebody’s identity, you don’t need to mess with all that online stuff. Just get somebody’s info, make a fake license with your picture on it, and walk right into any Bank of America branch and just ask them to hand you the money in cash. It doesn’t matter if you look like a doper, or even if you’re on drugs at the time. Doesn’t even matter if you know your victim’s signature. All you need is their name and address and a fake ID, and you can clean out any Bank of America account!

In my next post. I’ll explain the aftermath and how Bank of America’s service is only second to their ability to protect your money from identity thieves. Stay tuned.

I Wish I Was Good Looking… And Relevant

Wow, my fragile male ego took a double hit. A contest for the best looking SEO dude is the reason for my newfound insecurity. Either I got hit pretty hard with the Ugly Stick, or people forgot about me. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling ugly, or feeling like a nobody.

Oh well, at least my beautiful girlfriend still thinks I am the best looking man in SEO!

best looking dude is SEO with his beautiful lady!

Micro-Blogging; Come Follow Me on Twitter!

If you’re like me (a completely A.D.D. web geek) your attention span is probably really shor..

So short I couldn’t even finish writing that sentence…

So let’s get to the point then.  Come follow me on Twitter.  Micro-blogging.  Fast.   Click here and win fabulous prizes!

Why SEOs Love Speaking at Conferences

When I first got into SEO and SEM, my motivation was 1 part money and 5 parts making a name for myself. You probably already know my M.O. – I am THE Constant Self Promoter. Teachers called me disruptive, my peers called me an “attention whore” (along with a host of other profanities, depending on the day), my parents called me “driven”, “loud”, or “a ham”. It doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is people who are like me, marketers, where born to attain the spotlight. And speaking at conferences is just one way people like me can validate themselves.

Let me just restate that and start another paragrach with it… Marketers where born to attain the spotlight. Now hold that thought.

In no particular order, here are the reasons SEOs love to speak at conferences:

  • Self Validation – It is typical human behavior to seek approval by being recognized by a social group, particularly one that a person associates with or strives to be a part of.
  • Money – Some get paid to speak, but that’s not really where the money is. The more you speak, the higher premium you can ask for when landing clients.
  • Chicks – I haven’t seen an actual female girl get hot for a dude who preached all there is to know about URL cannonicalization. But I bet conference groupies exist, and I bet there are some opportunistic SEOs who have wielded their badges to score some ‘tang. And on the flip side, girls can prolly land douchebags dudes as well, if they got that speaking mojo working for them.
  • Ego – Being respected or acknowledged for anything , no matter what your field, gives people a boost in self confidence. Just admit it, it feels good. In fact, just slide this bullet right under Self Validation and minimize the rest of the bullets, because IMO that’s really the main factor.
  • Your Boss Told You To – There are a couple firms that make a pretty good revenue stream from speaking gigs… they take talented, likable people, and show them all there is to know. Next thing you know, their firm is represented in all kinds of conferences, not just the big ones.
  • Free Drinks – It’s awesome when you have fanboys loading you up all week. Extend your hand while at any conference bar, and BOOM! Magically you have a fresh cold beer.

From the time I wrote my first blog post till now, I’ve held a secret that I never told anybody. I wanted to speak at conferences too. Feels good to finally get that out. I wanted the stage, the notoriety, and the approval of my peers. I wanted people to know who I am. And I wanted to shape what they know about me, my talking smart into a microphone while people write stuff down.

In my quest to feed my alpha male ego, I went on to start numerous joke bands just so I could be on stage. I posted inflammatory comments on blogs and forums just to get people going. And I made a *lot* of noise at conferences while others polished their professionalism and furthered their careers right in front of me.

Oddly enough I never had the guts to pursue the whole speaking thing. I was like that awkward teenage boy who likes that one girl but is afraid to talk to her. I never put one ounce into attempting to land a speaking gig. I felt like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when he explains his salesmanship to the waitress. “I pet the speaking gig, I love the speaking gig, I squish the speaking gig, AAAHHHHHH I killed it! I killed my speaking gig!”

Do you want to know the reason I never pursued it? Honestly, I think my frail alpha male ego couldn’t take the rejection if I didn’t make it. I was afraid to look like that guy who tried to do it and failed. So I went about my business, being loud and noticed, but in a different (albeit more idiotic) way. Plus, I spoke at this one seminar and even though I think I did pretty good, I didn’t like the nervous feeling. It actually wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. But I did feel self important, which was cool I guess.

I’m seeing a lot of SEOs, especially a lot of new kids on the block, getting out there and getting known. I remember that feeling. But now, I’m at a different stage in my career. I’m no longer afraid to talk about my secret crush on the idea of speaking at conferences, because I actually don’t really care for the idea anymore. I’ll just leave that to the people who are already pretty darn good at it. My focus is a little different now.

My girlfriend feeds my ego. My job makes me money. I don’t need chicks anymore; I have the one I want. My ego is big enough already, and I don’t need free drinks. In fact, I’d be glad to buy one for you!

And for the record, let me be 100% clear about my intentions here… I JUST WANT TO PWN MY MARKETS.

Damn it feels good to be a self actualized web marketing gangsta! (and feel free to speak about this post at your next gig eh?)

7 Healthy Activities for Dads and Daughters

Being a single dad means wearing a lot of hats. Dad, mom, chef, doctor, teacher, coach, and sometimes when I am lucky, activity coordinator. Being in charge of the activities means I don’t have to play house, have a tea party, or pretend I am a Disney prince… all activities that I grin and bear with a smile, none of which I am particularly fond of (especially being the Prince, I keep telling her if she’s the Princess, I am the KING!)

After a while, I’ve started to figure out some ways to spend time with my kiddo while maintaining some semblance of manliness AND getting some exercise at the same time. It helps that she’s almost 5 now and is able to partake in more vigorous activities but I digress. Here are 7 great active ideas for Dad’s with little girls who like me, don’t have enough time to both play with the kiddo and get in their daily exercise!

1) Weight Lifting – Daddy Style

Daddy Style weightlifting means your weights are… your kid! It’s free, requires no travel, and it can be done right on your living room floor. My daughter loves to be bench pressed, curled, lifted, leg lifted, etc. We also take turns with sets. She tries bench pressing my arm or leg, and tests her strength. It’s a great way to teach your daughter how to exercise, and to motivate her to try harder or challenge herself. The only problem I’ve encountered in getting a real workout here is that she’s only 45 pounds. I can’t exactly mass build when benching a toddler.

2) Pretend Wrestling

This one is the easiest; and again this one’s free! Kids love to be “roughed up” as long as you aren’t actually rough at all. It’s also the perfect time to teach appropriate boundaries. We have tons of fun pretending we are boxers or professional wrestlers while we pretend to punch, block, kick, or grapple in ways that don’t hurt your “opponent”. I’ll often lift her up over my head pretending I tossed her out of the ring, while slowly lowering her to the ground and pretend shouting “nooooooo!” Gives me a little of that healthy muscle burn, and give her a laugh from being suspended in mid air.

3) Karaoke Dance Parties

This activity isn’t exactly free since it requires music… and for my reputation’s sake this can only be done if the blinds are closed. But this is one of my guilty pleasure and secretly one of my favorites.

I have a playlist on my iPod that has a ton of 80s music (with no swears of course!) sprinkled in with some Hannah Montana and a few No Doubt songs for good measure. We crank up the iPod dock and use one of her brushes as a microphone and we pretend to do concerts for her dolls, or we’ll even make up silly dance routines. I use this opportunity to dance like a maniac, bordering physical comedy. She laughs like a maniac, bordering asthma attacks.  However if the general population ever saw this, there would be a lot more crying than laughing… either from me, or those watching it.

4) Playing the Wii

This might be the manliest activity on my list. What guy doesn’t like video games? Especially ones their 4-5 year old daughter likes too! When we play Wii bowling, to increase the healthy factor, we pretend to run down the isle just like real bowling and we even jump when we release the ball. It doesn’t help my accuracy much, but at least we’re getting active and having some fun.

5) Going Out “Discovering”

The outdoors can be fantastical to a child-if they have the right guide. We’ll walk down the street and I’ll help her climb random objects pretending they are something from out of this world. Sometimes we’ll find a trail and climb hills, large rocks, or small mountains and pretend we’re discovering new lands.  Sometimes I’ll even let her load up her wagon with dolls and we went for a walk around the block pretending we were tour guides.

6) Target Jumping

This one is a real hit with the kids.  All you gotta do is set “targets” around the house or outside.  I often use my finger against a wall or a washable marker.  Set your targets at various heights just near the top of your daughter’s max jumping height.  Give her a route around the house, and she must touch or slap each target.  If the target is too high, lower it a bit.  Too low?  Add another higher one.  Use your watch like a stop watch and time her like it’s an obstacle course (I often make up times and keep yelling “GO GO GO! You’re Gonna Break the Record!”.  20 minutes of this and she’ll be napping in no time!

There are a bunch of variations in this game, where you can follow her around the “course” and hit your own targets, or if your daughter has friends over you can line them all up and use your finger against the wall and adjust for each of their jumping abilities.   If you’re tired, just lean against the wall and set various targets with your hand or finger.  If you wanna rev up, get outside and make it challenging for both of you.  You’d be surprised at how much fun your little one will have with this one.

7) Tasting Parties

A tasting party is when you choose a couple of new foods (we usually do exotic fruits) and see what they taste like.  I usually take my daughter to the grocery store so we can look at different fruits and vegetables to figure out which we would like to try that day.  Then we take them home, wash them together, and prepare them to be served (I usually handle anything that has to do with a knife!)  Then we set our plates, and take turns tasting things and explaining what they taste like.  This is a perfect way to refuel after some exhausting play time AND to replace junk food snacks with healthier alternatives.

8) BONUS ACTIVITY: Take a nap!

Because both you and your kid are probably worn out now!

If anybody else knows of any other healthy activities for Dads and Daughters, comment here and let me know what YOU do.  I’m always looking for new ways to bond with my kid and keep that Daddy Belly in check!  Plus, this could be a good resource for people who started like me, having NO IDEA how to raise a little girl.  Single dads (like me) especially could probably use a little guidance sometimes.

Don’t You Have Anything Better to Do?

It’s election year… time for smoke and mirrors!

I was hoping to catch some ESPN before heading to work, and instead of seeing “The Plays of the Week” I am watching a congressional hearing.  About baseball.  Not Iraq.  Not the recession.  Not about the so called “Economic Stimulus Package”.  About BASEBALL.

And two weeks ago, we had senators snooping around NFL Football.

And a few years ago we had all the media talking about a blow job.

Wanna know why they are talking about this stuff?  So the masses don’t look closer at what’s really going on… like the “War of Terror”.  The fact that the Democrats screwed up student loans so bad that kids won’t be able to get into school this upcoming fall.   The fact that Republicans screwed up consumer finance so bad that people can’t buy houses.  The fact that our dollar is doing so bad that vacation spots won’t even accept it any longer.

We’re going to hell in a handbasket here folks.  Hold on tight, times is gonna get real rough!

Maybe we should be doing one of our world famous “pre-emptive strikes” on a few select morons who are running this country into the ground…

Frikkin Yahoo! I Just Want My flickr and MyBlogLog Accounts Back!

Yahoo! – “chasing Google and frustrating users since 1998” (TM)

I bought a premier flickr account and I haven’t been able to log in for MONTHS. Why? Because they switched log in systems, and nobody inside flickr is responding to my desperate pleas for help. I paid good money for my premier account, and I can’t even manage MY OWN PHOTOS. Photos that rank well in search engines for MY OWN NAME. I am helpless to remove some personal pictures that I no longer really want up there… photos that I paid to manage on their site.

You might ask “Chris, why did you take so long to blog about this? The most recent pictures are like 6 months old!” – You’re right. I forgot all about how mad I was about flickr until I decided to log into MyBlogLog account, which again prompted me to use a new log in that I don’t even have. Now I can’t get in there either.

Now I’m frustrated as hell trying to create a new Yahoo! ID, but my name is already taken (likely by some spam bot since there are only a handful of Chris Hooleys in the world). And once I settle on a user name that I don’t even want, I have no idea how to get those linked to my flickr and MyBlogLog accounts. It’s just stupid. And typical.

Hopefully somebody from Yahoo! reads this post and can get me some kind of help… but I doubt it.

In the meantime, my iGoogle, GMail, Adwords, Adsense, Optimizer, and bazillion other Google gadgets I am using are still working flawlessly. An I have Googlers calling me pretty frequently (even got a Googler visit coming soon) to make sure everything is still working. Just thought I’d throw that out there…

Ok So The Patriots Lost… At LEAST I was on TV!

I have so much to say about my experience but the pain is too strong to write it all right now. But like every dark cloud, even THE Biggest Disappointment in Sports History had a shining moment for me. I was on TV! Watch the clip and relish my huge fame and instant popularity!

Wow, that movie was terrific eh? Send all movie script roles to me via my contact page!


Anybody need some? I can get them to you at the last minute. I live in AZ. There are very few of these bad boys left on the planet!

(I just magically turned into a ticket broker!!)

Superbowl Tickets

Chris Hooley is Going to the SUPERBOWL!!!

I can’t believe it… I’m having daily heart palpitations. I am going to be there when history is made. I am going to the biggest football game ever. Ever. This is the year Tom Brady and the Patriots make history!!

I’ll be in section 406 row 10. Watch for me on TV, I’m gonna do my best to hog the camera for at least one second to cement my immortality too. I’m high up, so the camera won’t likley be buzzing around where I sit, but my HELMET will insure that even if I am on for ONE GLIMPSE that I will be easy to spot.

Go Patriots! This is the biggest event I have ever headed to. I feel like I am going to explode!!

Biggest Loser Competition, Part Deuce :-(

I was pretty bragadocious in my last post about how to drop pounds FAST, eh?  Well here’s a follow up a lot of you health nuts will love.  Some may even get to say “Told ya so” but whatev…

So the Atkins diet made me lose 12 pounds in a week.  It also made me lethargic, irritable, and hungry.  My insides didn’t feel right, my immune system was lowered (I missed 2 days of work after getting really sick with what should have been a light cold), and my chest actually hurt inside like I was having heart problems.  All of this in ONE WEEK!

So I quit.  I ate kinda normal, got a little more active, and I gained most of the weight back.  In 2 days.  Now, my net loss is more like 3 pounds.  Not too impressive.

Moral of the story: Don’t do atkins unless you are near the very tail end of your weight loss competition.  It sucks.

3 Quick and Easy Steps to Becoming THE Biggest Loser!

My extended family has decided to have BIGGEST LOSER competition. The rules are simple. Each entrant pays 10 dollars to buy in. Every Tuesday we take our weight and send a picture of our scale as proof. After two months, the person who has lost the highest percentage of their body weight wins the pot!

Well it’s been one week. After losing almost 12 pounds, I thought I would outline my strategies for anybody who made the resolution to lose weight for the new years. 12 pounds in a week is a LOT of weight eh? Well here’s how I did it:

  1. Hardcore Atkins: follow the diet religiously, NO straying at all
  2. Treadmill Daily: at least 20 minutes
  3. Cry Every Time You See, Smell, or Even Think of ANY Food that’s Not Bacon

If you don’t mind heart disease, irritability, bad breath, and weird stuff happening with your insides, and you want to lose a lot of weight fast, try this out and see if you can a really big loser too!

I feel like crap…

Has anybody else succeeded with any other crash diets? Any tips or tricks on how to shed pounds fast? More importantly, anybody ever get on one of these diets and learn how NOT to gain all the weight back once they stop?

Guess Who’s Blogging Again!


I’ve spent too long minoring in the majors and majoring in the minors. I gotta get back to what got me where I am at today. For those who have forgotten who I am, I’m Chris Hooley. The Fonzie of SEO. I work for the best Student Loan Company on the web. I am a father, a son, a sumo wrestler, and an interpretive dancer / figure skater.  I will be your guide to pimping the web and pwning corporate America.  Stay tuned kiddies, I’m back with a vengeance!!

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way!

A wise man once turned me on to the theory that all movies ever created can be categorized into 7 different plot types. This got me to thinking… perhaps there is some taxonomy that can be applied to every decision related to business, and maybe even life.

Suits and schmoozers listen up, this is for you. Corporate America, pay attention. Here are your instructions for the rest of your climb up the ladder…

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way.

Simple.  But it isn’t always just black and white. No true leader can only lead. True, a leader must have the courage to hold the torch. But it’s more than that. A good leader must be smart enough to follow, and humble enough to get out of the way when it makes sense.

Just ask yourself, are your business decisions are based on fear instead of opportunity? Get out of the way. Do you fancy yourself a good leader, but you are losing ground? Follow. Got something burning inside? Lead.

People like to be led. People like to lead. People don’t like to be led by people who can’t lead, and people don’t like to lead people who can’t be led. Seems simple enough, right?

If you’re a true leader, lead me in the right direction and I’ll be right there following.  If you are a follower, come follow me and I’ll push you as far as I can.  If you are neither, just get out of the way and watch trails blaze.


I can’t believe how DOPE this video is. Snoop Blawg, Skorp, Jihan, me and a bunch of buddies rented rascals for superbowl weekend in Vegas and pimped thos thangs like true macks! It took Snoop a long ass time to edit the video, but it’s here. Checka check it out and LOVE it!


Pimp out that YouTube and get some viral action going! Ridin’ Dirty Video!

Skorp’s blog post about RYDIN’ DIRTY!

Link to Snoop’s post and get that thing out therrrrr!!! <a href=”″>Riding Dirty Video</a>


SMX… SpaceNeedle… I’m gonna drink coffee in the rain and throw fish around.

Seattle here I come!  The Search Marketing Expo starts tomorrow! I am headed to the airport as we speak.

And BTW I’ve got a new strategy for the drinkbait, stay tuned folks.

And finally, props to NextStudent for giving me the freedom to check out these conferences as needed.   I’m looking forward to bringing more knowledge and a thicker rolodex back to PHX baby!

I remember when I was cool

Times were good.  I had a Mongoose BMX bike with yellow spokes, a rat tail AND a mullet, Optimus Prime AND ShockWave, a kick ass collection of Sectaurs, and my girlfriend kissed me on the lips once at the kissing tree.

Apparently times have changed.   Now my idea of a good time is a banana cognac at the sizzler and a good power nap.

I think I’m having a midlife crisis today; wishing I was about 10 years younger, 20 pounds lighter, and 50 million richer.  SEO and kicking ass marketing in competitive verticles just seems boring right this minute, which is way out of character for me. How does one retain that awesome youthful feeling that you are alive without drinking beer bongs or hitting it hard at the casino?  Any ideas?

Chris Hooley’s Coming Home to Boston Beyatches!

Chris is coming home baby! This is my first trip back to Beantown since I stayed at Uncle Mark’s and Auntie Marie’s about 5-6 years ago. I have since gained 30 pounds (it’s all muscle lol), had a kid, bought 2 houses, and developed a taste for fiber rich foods and shuffleboard.

My taste for beer however, remains unchanged. And I want to drink one with YOU!

I’m getting in on Saturday night, staying at some swanky hotel (the one that sarah jessica parker got kicked out of the pool on sex in the city) and going to the sox game on Sunday. Sat night and especially Sunday night I’ll be looking for something fun to do, so if you’ll be in or around the city let me know. We’ll get some brewskis and maybe go bah hoppin or somethin.

HIT ME UP if you wanna meet up downtown and / or go get a beer. My cell is 623-680-9173 and I should have it on at all times. CALL ME, we’ll talk. Maybe we can take a trip down to Tewksbury and hang out at the Oakdale Mall with our skateboards and beg strangers for money to get some Papa Ginos too. err, maybe not that. OK then. SEE YOU IN BEANTOWN! (hopefully)

On a side note… I owe you guys a few posts. One for links for those birthday wishes, and part 2 of my Hooley Party Train post. Just so you know, I got this new GF who is taking up a lot of my blogging time so feel free to blame her for all bad things in your life that involve me. She’s just so darn cute I can’t bring myself to sit in front of my computer when I’m not working-

Tell ya what, if Boston is boring, you’ll see a bunch of posts coming from this el blogo and everybody will be more happy than ever… except my GF who will probably be getting hatemail for being hawt.


The Hooley Party Train Temporarily DERAILED!

Being the guy in SEO known for drinks is more work than it sounds. Turning 30 and having a frikkin rager right after the fact doesn’t make it easier. Throw in a few days with raging Canadien women on an Arizona vacation who wanna drink like animals and you start to get the picture.

My liver hurts. Drinking has become a serious chore, and probably had something to do with me catching this cold that is kicking my butt right now.

That aside, I have had such a blast in the past few weeks. The recap is far overdue. For all you peeps in business or SEO who want to live life vicariously through another dude’s adventures, fasten your seat belt. Here’s the Hooley Party Train Recap!

Condensed Version:

  • Before I went to New York, I drank too much and had a blast
  • I went to New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I came back from New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I had a rager for my 30th B-Day, drank too much and had a blast
  • I raged with 8 Canadian women by the pool, drank too much and had a blast
  • I woke up with a shitty cold, derailed the Hooley Party Train and started writing this blog

Full Version:

April 7, 2007 – the RAGE begins

Took the team out to the YardHouse in Phoenix to reward them for being so damn good. Had a few delicious micro brews and some greasy food and headed to Snoop Blawg‘s with Mind Party and Dumpsey to get my ass kicked in Wii Bowling. Proceeded to the Sand Bar to meet up with some friends and a lady, but was completely derailed when I met the most awesome chick on the planet. Blew off friends and said lady (I’m an ass) and laughed ass off with awesome chick for the entire night.

April 8, 2007 – Classy Move: Bought a Hooker Champaign on First Date with Awesome Chick

After hanging out with awesome chick, I decided I wanted to do it again and again (get your mind out of the gutter BTW- she’s a classy awesome chick and would not let me be sleazy even if I tried) so I convinced her to let me take her on a date to Sapporo‘s. We were having fun at the tepan yaki table when we noticed a sad looking girl sitting near us. She told us her friends blew her off and it was her birthday. Awesome chick and I decided to bring her into our circle of awesomeness. I decided to get a bottle of champaign to cheer the new girl up (class move right?). Then new girl says she used to be a stripper, but now she is in massage therapy, and handed me a business card with half naked people and asked me what I wanted for the champaign.

Awesome chick didn’t realize this hooker was basically trying to give me a BJ. I politely declined and proceeded to teach awesome chick about some hooker warning signs, at which point she pointed out that I actually bought a hooker champaign on our first date. Well when you put it like THAT! Man, I’m about as smooth as sandpaper!

Anyways, me and awesome chick spent the rest of the night laughing at each other and talking about kismet, and just being silly. The next day, I picked up Snoop Blawg, and we headed to New York Fuckin City for SES NY 2007.


Hung over. Tired. Long Flight. Mandatory meet and greet drinks with SEOs and vendors. I spent the whole flight thinking of how much more awesome New York City would be with awesome chick to laugh at / with. So, I got into the hotel, called awesome chick, and booked her some tix. I’m flying her out like a pimp!

Headed over to the first SEO party and met with with Neil, Cameron, Anheel, the dudes from Pepperjam, Savage, Loren (who could barely stand lol), Markus, Todd, the BOTW boys, and probably the dopest find of the night, Nic and Cher. They ended up joining our party train for the whole week, which increased our rage by a factor of 6!


  • Almost beefing with short dude from Pepperjam for being a dick and trying to mess with Cameron. For the record: Cam was completely cool with everything and everybody. Gotta back my homeboy! Also for the record, Kris and the whole team was / is awesome, I guess it was some new sales guy (same guy who called me a dick lol, I was like WTF?)
  • Getting asked if I was the real Chris Hooley (lol, being a C List corporate celeb is great for my insanely huge ego)
  • Drinking beer out of straws and driving Markus insane

We headed up to OldCastle to see what’s crackin at the Irish bars, and who do we see? A rockstar line up of awesomeness. I finally got to meet the Femozzers, who are a billion times hotter in person. (You guys wish you had hot pics like this to post above your little beds) Pimpin the bar was Boser, Todd, Cshel, Scott (who looks like a prettier Dave Naylor) and others. I bought them probably 16 shots of Jameson and pretty much fucked up everybody’s night (score!). I think Elisabeth and Guillaume where there too, I can’t quite remember, but it was good times. We called it a night at prolly 4AM and headed back to da hotel to get ready for the conferences (which started in a mere few hours)

April 10, 2007 – Classy Google Party – United Negro Pizza Fund Rap – Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Michael Jackson’s Thriller Video Auditions

Ok day starts off-there were hangovers, conferences, and learning. Now back to the party train

After the conferences, we meet up with Andrea Schoemaker (who MAKES THE MOFUGGIN PARTY LIVE) Scotland, and Canada at the hotel bar. I’m pretty sure that’s when I finally saw Rae, and I’m pretty sure I made her and about 6 others including Dax, EO, etc. drink the hugest shot of Goldschlager ever. I did not puke, but I wanted to.

Then, the Google Party, which was the birth place of the PANK DRANKS! Me and Snoop Blawg tried our hardest only to drink beverages with umbrellas for the entire trip, but NYC had a shortage so we decided to only drink PANK DRANKS (pink drinks) or at least drink our beer through straws. Don’t ask why, just go with it.


After that, we decided to walk down the street for some reason. This ended up being a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. Wow. Some dope ass bum runs up to us and asks “Hey would you guys like to donate to the UNITED NEGRO PIZZA FUND?”. I was like “HELL YEAH” and handed him the smallest bill I had in my wallet, which was actually a 20 cuz I blew my small bills on tips. Needless to say the guy was stoked and he tried to audition for me right on the spot, thinking I must have been a baller / rapper / producer. We got the second half of his flow on video, which can be seen on Andrea’s video montage of New York Fuckin City. They guy busted out a bunch of dope rhymes about YOURS TRULY. DOPE!!!


In the same walk down the street, we stumbled into the AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE MOVIE DEBUT AFTER PARTY! Sitting right there was Master Shake himself, who also makes an appearance in Andrea’s video. He gave us free soundtrack CDs and signed cards for us. Mine said “Chris, your friend Jeff completely is homo” because he heard me talking about how jealous Jeff would be. HILARIOUS! Man, that is one cool ass dude, and that was an UN FRIKKIN BELIEVABLE experience. BAWLAH!

Back to da CASTLE!

Ok this is where it gets messy. Oldcastle is our jam, so we headed back. Every frikkin SEO who’s blog I read was there. Shoemoney is out front with his gang smoking stogies, and inside is a clusterfuck of bad asses. We got messy drunk. At one point Dave Naylor tried to get tough with me, thinking he can grab my hat. I guess we got chin to chin barking at each other, but there was no contact. I grabbed my hat back and stood my ground, occasionally watching him out of the corner of my eye. I’m not good with public embarrassment.

I don’t remember all of it, but I know this much. We were raging so hard that by the end of the night we apparently looked like we were auditioning for Thriller walking down the streets of New York. Snoop was dragging his head against the wall to keep himself up, I was doing the gorilla in the middle of the street, and Nicola looked like a zombie because SHE GOT DRANK UNDER THE TABLE BY YOURS TRULY!

Oh yeah and at some point me and Snoop thought it was appropriate to dance to “Dancing Queen

April 11, 2007 – Classy Frikkin Party, THE LUNCH BOX, Strippers, and EVEN MORE Rage!

Ok this is getting repetitive. By now, I honestly did not want another drink. My body is mad at me, but I got business to take care of and a reputation to uphold. Until now, I have never drank more than 3 days in a row, but this conference is my chance to tighten bonds with pimps in my industry and pick drunken brains when their guard is down- so I keep going.

Oh wait, there were conferences and learning blah blah – ON TO THE PARTY TRAIN!

Andrea is waiting downstairs at the Webmaster Radio Free Drink Session, so me n’ Snoop head back down to the bar to say hello. She’s there with the now infamous JOE FRIKKIN WHYTE who was immediately absorbed into our party train. We drank again, but this time my body was pissed at me. Oh and BTW, I saw the ultimate hawtness herself IN THE FLESH!  Lisa Barone, I love you baby please come home daddy misses you.  (that’s what I sound like when I’m talking to my the Lisa shrine dol made out of human hair)

Chilling at Industry Brains‘ pimped out open bar party was cool, hanging with Joe Morin, finally meeting David Temple, drinking even more pink drinks, meeting come cool dudes from Cha Cha, but I had to go back and take a frikkin nap. No joke, I was turning into a baby pants. I actually went back to da hotel and snoozed for a bit.

After that, we headed to Times Square for some bar hopping, but didn’t get far after being introduced to the LUNCH BOX!!! Joe Whyte, it doesn’t matter if you tried to literally humped my butt in public, you made up for it with this one. This is my new favorite shot and was an instant classic with my friends. Before we went out, we absorbed our buddies from cha cha and webmaster radio, some of whom really wanted to go to the strip club. We did, it sucked, nuff said. Moving on…

Back to OldCastle!! (ugh, this is starting to hurt)

What can I say? More of the same. More pain, more liquor, more pics, but this time… more PEOPLE. The whole SEO scene was there. We drank again. But this time at least I finally hooked up with Michael Gray for a long overdue drink! Too bad my liver was punching itself in it’s liver at the time. It was also good to see the SEO Loser again and finally get a pic of the DrinkBait SEOLoser combo from PubCon in Vegas.

Highlights: I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I both arm wrestled and leg wrestled Scotland into submission.

April 12, 2007 – Romance, Rickshaws, Iron Chef Karaoke, and more shit.

Woke up, conferences learning blah blah blah – BACK TO THE TRAIN ALREADY!

Today, awesome chick comes to NY! I feel giddy. Not sure if it is from liver poisoning or because I was excited to see awesome chick again, but nonetheless. My stomach was feeling funny. The day flew by, and finally awesome chick shows up in New York!

Our party crew absorbed another newcomer, Brian Alpert, and headed down to Times Square to show awesome chick the lights. Me and awesome chick immediately jumped into a rickshaw for a cheesy bike ride around the square. It was mushy and cute and we have a few awesome pics on her camera that she didn’t upload yet. From there we headed to The Spotlight, which was just opening. Amazing karaoke joint with crazy interactive systems that allow table to table web cam and 2.0 type communications. The food there is all made my “iron chef” cooks (here’s awesome chick with iron chef dude).

I was sick from the days of partying and not able to drink that well, but my excitement to be hanging out with awesome chick energized me a bit.

Then guess where… Back to frikkin Oldcastle

Ok, ok repetitive. Drinks, party, SEOs, pics, whoooo. You get the picture. Everybody loved awesome chick including 3 random dudes trying to flirt with her outside… then dude shouted out “Oh shit here’s her boyfriend” when I walked up. Had he not said that, the situation would have been way more normal. Like I care if she’s joking around with a bunch of dudes… I would have walked up and been 100% cool, but I guess awesome chick saw the fire in my eyes when that dude tried make it seem like something bad was going on. She grabbed me and pulled me back into the bar to chill me out.

Now I’m trying to be cool, and trying to figure out who those guys were. I was not even raging, just a lot of things happened all at once. Me and awesome chick sit down and to chill but my emotions are making my face red. Plus, we’re both a little tipsey so we decide to go back to the hotel.

On the way in, who do I see? Dave Naylor and that dude who was just trying to get a rise out of me. I’m trying to take care of awesome chick, and the dudes call me out. I’m like “Who the fuck are you” to that dude and he made a rude comment. Naylor tried to incite the situation, and for the first time in a long time I used my better judgment and focused on awesome chick instead of throwing down with those dudes. But I still wanna find out who that fucking guy was.

So I explained to awesome chick about who is who and how to operate in the conference bar scene, and we agreed it aint the best idea to feed the trolls. She was cool, no harm no foul. End drama, the rest is all fun again.

April 13, 2007 – Tour of the City, Inside Jokes, Romantic Trip to Staten Island, and More of the Same

Next morning me awesome chick decide to head out for a street vendor bagel. We ended up buying a bus tour and went out in the freezing cold to see New York. It was fun touristy crap. We saw all the main attractions of Manhattan. Macy’s, Empire State Building, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, etc etc, TONS to see. Lots of inside jokes here, most of which awesome chick will censor me for… all I can say is it was awesome!

While in transit to see the Statue of Liberty, we noticed something strange. Lots of bad ass thugs and possible Wu-Tang Clan members apparently enjoy the monument. We thought nothing of it and continued to be stupid, and boarded the ferry. Once we got in, I thought for a second, maybe this isn’t the right ferry? I mentioned it to awesome chick and immediately some bag lady next to us ominously says “Get owff!”

We ran to the back of the ferry, but the second we walked up it started to leave the doc. Turns out we were headed to Staten Island. Awesome! Maybe we could meet the Gza or Inspectah Deck!

Later that night, we met with some old friends. No more SEO stuff, no more conference stuff, just friends. We went bar hopping in the city trying out as many places as possible before retiring back at…

you guessed it, Oldcastle.

They almost kicked me out for not drinking and dozing off (I just couldn’t drink any longer, it was just too much). At least awesome chick was nice and patient with me. I was kinda grumpy from the lack of sleep and overboard consumption of alcohol and crappy food over the past few days.

Not much else happened after that, we all woke up WAAAY too early and headed to the airport.

A few days pass, all is normal. Work, eat, sleep, play with kid, etc. Until… my 30th birthday!

Stay Tuned for Part 2 of my Crazy Party Train Post!

The Mid Life Crisis Post – I’m Officially 30 :-(

This morning has been kinda cool. Got a ton of Happy Birthday emails from random forums that I apparently joined one time (robots can be so sweet sometimes), a bunch of MySpace and FaceBook comments, emails and text messages from friends and family, and a sweet voicemail from my sweetheart wanting to be first to wish me a happy birthday.

Ya know, it feels good knowing people care… about an old ass man with wrinkly old man junk who is losing his hair and no longer knows the difference between “cool” and “on sale”.

Dudes and dudettes, here it comes. Mid Life Crisis Time. Instead of buying a fast italian sports car and boob jobs for random hot 22 year olds, I think I’m gonna give back to the community.

Those who know me, know I am a big fan of CONSOLIDATION of any sort. I don’t care if it’s student loans, liquid assets, affiliate reporting system interfaces, or anything else for that matter. I want it all in the same place at the same time. That being said, these scattered b-day wishes need a single point, a funnel if you will.

So here’s the deal blog buddies, if you want to console me through my miserable day of wearing garters and hating myself for not being 21, do it here. A simple Happy Birthday will do. And here’s the critical part of the crisis, it’s worth a link so all you fuckers better do it. Even the ones who don’t show up to my super dope party (AKA assholes).

So happy birthday to me. Make some comments up in this bitch, I wanna crack 50 if possible so at least I feel like I am loved even if I am on my way to impotence and wearing adult diapers.

The Big 30- the Best Party Ever is COMING SOON!

I need ideas. In a month, I’m gonna turn 30 and I wanna throw myself the dopest party ever. Friends, family, loose acquaintances, people who wanna rip me off: You are all invited. Except the people who wanna rip me off.

Now I just need to plan this mofo. April 19, 2007 will mark year 30 of my earthly visit and I need to make it memorable. Anybody else ever have a kick ass 30th B-Day jam? What did you do to make it succeed? What should I do to pimp this thing?

Having My Own Office is Weird!

I’ve spent the past few years at NextStudent in a fishbowl type room to promote open communication. Just today, I moved into my own office. It’s pretty big, and pretty cool I guess. But it’s weird. I’ve been in here approximately 45 minutes (since being fully settled) and I have no meetings for the rest of the day. I am already having withdrawals from my team.

This is good because I think I needed it now that the team is so big, but it is gonna take some getting used to.

My 3 Year Old B-Girl and Future SEO KingPin

This kid’s got some moves! I hope her linkbating skills develop as quickly as her top rock!

Would YOU Sell My Website for 65k?

I recently received an offer to buy for 65k. It was my first REAL website, and the site that got me into SEO, web design, and all things web. It does have sentimental value, but I have not monetized the site for almost a year… with hundreds of leads not being sold or worked. It’s a shame really, but there’s more to it.

This domain, registered in 2002, has 51k backlinks according to Yahoo. Most of those are pretty darn old. It has a few DMOZ listings, and ranks really well for a ton of terms (mostly web design, dev, and SEO terms with the local modifiers AZ, Arizona, and Phoenix).

The site also recently spent almost 6 months at #1 on Yahoo! for the phrase “web design” (with no quotes) and at that time I was trying to overcharge and sell the domain for a million (dude’s gotta try!). It is ranking first page on Google for phrases like “web design quotes” which has to be worth something to somebody.

All of my email addresses for logins are My IM handles are all mcpmedia. There are a few pages with really old links to other sites that I am interested in. If I sell it, I’ll lose some strong links, some history, and I’ll have a TON of work ahead of me…. screwing around with a ton of my online accounts.  Also, my little brother sometimes grabs some of these leads to get his feet wet with project management and monetization of the web.  It’s great learning for my little bro, which alone could make me want to hold on to this thing.

I dunno, what would you do? I don’t need the money, and I have been squatting on this thing for quite some time. For 250k it would be an easy decision for me, but I think the offer the guy made was pretty scientific. Somehow he made the offer just barely high enough for me to think about it…

I guess this is some REAL ThinkBait. Can anybody help sell me either way on why I SHOULD or SHOULD NOT sell this website? If so, I need some solid guidance.

Chris Hooley talks Chris Hooley, SEO, and Awesomeness in General

Interviews with elite SEOs are a great way to get traffic and recognition if you are an SEO blogger. Being the attention whore I am, I decided that I would jump in and do one of those interviews myself. But I needed to find an SEO awesome enough. Danny Sullivan, Quadzilla, Greg Boser, Aaron Wall; none of them made the cut. I needed the ULTIMATE SEO CELEBRITY.

So I chose myself.

Enjoy the best SEO interview ever conducted.

Chris, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule of trolling Twitter to answer some questions. How ’bout we start by telling my readers a bit about yourself?

Well Chris, I was born awesome. I popped out with a fat blind directory network and a Mac wearing a sleeveless shirt.

You were born with clothes on?

You betcha Chris. Spandex and a sleeveless shirt.



Cool. What was the first thing you remember doing that was web related?

First thing I did was flop open my cellie and sold a start up I was working on since the second trimester. Then my moms tried to feed me, I was like “Damn, you’re my moms! Put those things away” and I cracked a brew.

In the hospital?


Cool. So what makes you think you are God’s Gift to SEO?

I pwn the domain, quit hounding me honkie.

Say w0rd?


Cool. So recently you have been stirring the pot a bit in the SEO industry. What do you attribute your recent successes to?

Well Chris, I think the recent attention is because I am awesome.

Is that why so many chicks want you?

Probably. That and my money.

You make a lotta dough?

Tons. I drive a fast car too.

Cool. I have to admit, this interview is riveting.

Before you ask, it’s huge.

Cool. Let’s move on then. What would you say your best SEO trick is?

Well Chris, since people cannot possibly deny my awesome, I simply think about sites I want links from. And if there are girls anywhere in a certain organization I look at them.

Look at them?


What does that do?

Makes em link to my sites. I can’t explain it, it just happens. I’m like the Fonzi of SEO.

Say w0rd?


Cool. That’s a neat trick. What about the dudes?

Hey shut up man.

Sorry. I mean how do you get the DUDES to link to you?

I drink a lotta beer with them and tell fart jokes at classy restaurants.

That works?

Sometimes. Once or twice. Ok not yet but I believe in the system.

Cool. This is going well.

Hell yeah it is. I just made like 14 bucks on adsense beyatch!

Since we started this interview?

No since November.

Cool. That’s good I think.

I used to be able to dunk and freestyle rap.

I thought you were supposed to wait for me to ask you a question.

Oh yeah sorry I just wanted everybody to know that.

Cool. So how much do you bench?

A wicked lot man, a wicked lot.

Cool. You wanna go get a beer and play Xbox, or talk about SEO some more?

Please fool… Beer me.

Ok that went well. I gotta admit, you convinced me. You are pretty awesome. SEOs betta recognize.

And link to my shit.



*Chris walks off into the sunset with “You’re the Best” from Karate Kid blasting in the background.*

WordPress 2.1 Upgrade Problem with Ultimate Tag Warrior Fixed!

I kept losing my tags and couldn’t figure out why. A quick Technorati search revealed a super simple hack that works.

Open the file “ultimate-tag-warrior-actions.php”Go to line 502 inside the function “ultimate_save_tags()”

Replace this line:

if (isset($_POST[‘comment_post_ID’])) return $postID;

With this:

if (isset($_POST[‘comment_post_ID’])) return $postID;
if (isset($_POST[‘not_spam’])) return $postID; // akismet fix
if (isset($_POST[“comment”])) return $postID; // moderation.php fix

And viola! Off to the races. Thanks to 082net for the hack!

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