Noise

Official Zombie Attack Report Center

ZOMFG! Zombies! This week has been the awesomest week ever IRL if you like bad horror movies (or awesome ones like Zombieland).  At first, there was a Zombie attack in Miami.  Everybody is searching for Miami Zombie Victim Pictures and posting them on Facebook. But in a stunning twist of fate, the black guy didn’t die first.  In fact, it was a black dude who ate the face off some white guy.  That’s why at first I had a hard time believing this was a true zombie attack, because the black guy always dies first, then the hot annoying white chick.

But this does look pretty fuggin real TBH

I've been called Pizza Face before, but this is ridiculous...

Then there was a second zombie attack in Florida.  The government tried to cover the whole thing up by forcing the media to call it a vampire attack but COME ON NOW.  Vampires don’t eat faces, they suck blood!  And also, this is a white chick.  Wait, conspiracy theory, maybe all those movies were a lie… The black guy and white chick don’t die first.  They just want us to think that.

Ok she's not THAT hot. But admit it, you'd do her.

Now, two zombies, THAT’s kinda funny. I mean I can see a random occurrence of face eating in Florida. People do weird stuff when their sports teams are in the playoffs (I’m talking about the Heat, because all other Florida teams suck balls).  BUT TWO Zombie attacks?  Let’s the jokes flow.

But then shit got real.  It’s no longer contained in Florida. New Jersey also has a team in the playoffs.  I mean the DEVILS, not all the other teams in NJ who also suck.  WAIT… conspiracy theory alertHeat? Devils? This sounds super satanic! …shits getting WEIRDER by the MINUTE.

This Jersey Shore Zombie did NOT want to be outdone by these fish handed Spring Break Zombies.  But as you might expect, Jersey Shore Zombies are total douches. Really dumb kind of zombie. I mean, he didn’t even eat anybody else! This fool wanted to out zombie the other zombies, so he started eating himself, and fist pumping a knife into his own guts and throwing bits of his intestines at the cops as they pepper sprayed him.

Aint no Zombie like a Jersey Shore Zombie cuz a Jersey Shore Zombie Don't Stop! (throwing intestines)

No, that’s not Snookie’s unborn fetus.  That is in fact, what’s inside that beautiful Situation Six Pack.  Ammo.  Need to find a funny connection between his GUNS and his AMMO, but I am not smart or witty enough and I still have two more Zombies to cover.

We're all waiting to see if Snookie's baby comes out black, guido, or undead

AND THE PLOT THICKENS!

The Raven is a symbol of all kinds of scary crap, right?  Well the Baltimore Ravens made the playoffs despite how crappy their evil mustached QB is, so this evil little city needed to celebrate with their very own EVIL TEAM ZOMBIE JUBILEE.  (They’re kind of slow down there)

In every zombie movie, after the black guy dies, then it’s time for the hot white chick.  Near the end of the movie, the useful Asian who fixes things and figures stuff out is supposed to go next. In real life, the Asians were in cahoots with black guys and white chicks on this whole thing, so ACTUALLY they’re the next in line to the human flesh fest.

But the Asian Zombie stays true to character; he’s a really smart zombie (in fact, he’s an electrical engineer college student walking stereotype zombie).  He plots out his brain devouring and executes a flawless plan of opening up his very own basement Pei Wei and munches his hearts and brains without all the prying eyes.

Walking stereotype Asian Zombie eats his brains raw, with chopsticks, and some soy sauce

I don’t know if you noticed, but the San Antonio Spurs are also in the playoffs.  And as much as Tim Duncan looks like a retarded neanderthal, he’s actually an evil genius.  Based on the fact that the Spurs win a lot, (they’re like the Patriots of the NBA) they MUST have a deal with the devil too, right?  Their uniforms are black and silver, and their logo, a spur, is actually a pentagram used to injure horses in an attempt to control them.  Perfectly evil. So naturally, San Antonio has got to be the next city hit by Zombie Party 2012, right?  You Betcha!

This next zombie was initially mistaken as the single mom zombie. But we have come to find out, this zombie is the much more dangerous Angry Baby Momma Mexican Zombie, AKA the Chola Zombie.  (who happens to be a Spurs fan, because all black and silver teams are beloved by Mexicans – the colors are so gangsta and always match their hairnets) She beheaded her baby and started eating her little baby toes (a delicacy amongst zombies) after a drunken trip to Walmart to buy some more mouthwash (the cheapest buzz foodstamps can buy), an industrial sized bucket of lard (it’s toe taco night after all), and steal some make up.

Here she is before she turned Zombie. Confusing, yes, but she just wears her makeup that way.

So far, as of June 1st 2012 the Zombie outbreak is contained to 5 (EDIT: we have been alerted to 3 more Zombie attacks bringing the number up to 8, updates are below). There are rumors of a 9th attack in the Toronto area. But don’t worry, it was just some French homo in Canada tried to get attention and jump on this trend by killing a cat and some other gay dude.  Totally not a zombie, just a kid who hates his father and really needs a hug.  Or some anal.  Or maybe just some love.

DANGER: OTHER CITIES ARE ON WATCH!

Be on the lookout OKC, Boston, and Los Angeles. This Zombie outbreak seems to be spreading to cities who have teams in the playoffs. We’re not yet sure if it only applies to evil teams, or playoff teams.  If the playoff theory is wrong and it’s following around the most evil teams in sports, look out New York.  You’re pretty much guaranteed to be overrun by asshole zombies who think they are awesome.

I will keep you updated as more zombie attacks are reported.  To stay on top of this shit, subscribe and start following me on Facebook and Twitter.  And most importantly join our new Zombie Apocalypse Awareness and Support Group on Facebook!

UPDATE 1: San Diego Man Bites his Cousin’s Nose Off 
UPDATE 2: (Again in Florida) Man Bites Lips Off Kitten and Strangles Another Cat
UPDATE 3: Contractor Bites Lowe’s Employee in Georgia

 


10 Facebook Commandments

Being a total Facebook whore, I figured I would be the perfect authority to decide what thou shall and shant thoust doeth whilst thou visiteth thine kingdom.

Enjoyeth.


The Canadian SEO Prize Package!

Melanie Nathan (follow her on Twitter @MelanieNathan) recently had a kick ass little contest to get people to participate in her brand new blog, which worked like a charm.  Just check out all those comments.  She LITERALLY just launched Canadian SEO at the time of that post, which I guarantee will take over that frozen tundra like a Nor’ Easter.  No wait, like the British.

Well I didn’t win the contest.  BUT!  I found out that I was awarded a consolation prize just for being a funny guy!

AAAWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE!!!!!

So I interrupted the regularly scheduled program of getting my kiddo ready for bed to see what I got!

Here it is in all it’s glory.  A coffee mug, poker chips, card, hat, and keychain according to customs
Canadian Prize

Imagine my excitement when I got the package!
Canadian Prize

My daughter was excited too.  So excited, she tried to steal the package from me.
Canadian-Prize

She got it, which somehow magically made me warp backwards and rage
canadian-prize-4

We compromized and decided to open to together
canadian-prize-5

Kaylee was excited to find out it was chocolate.  I almost cried.
canadian-prize-6

So here goes nothing, let’s check out our chocolate…
canadian-prize-7

Hey this isn’t chocolate!!! It’s a CANADIAN GOLDMINE!
canadian-prize-8

canadian-prize-9

canadian-prize-99

So I put the kid ot bed and decided to play with some of my new awesome Canadian Toys!
canadian-prize-999

DRINKBAIT!
canadian-prize-9999

Wow, that shot was smooth.  And I spilled some on my shirt
canadian-prize-99999

Hey it worked!
canadian-prize-999999

I heard my daughter come back down stairs, and thought I would give her a little Canadian surprise!  Canadian Rally sticks FTW!
canadian-prize-9999999

But she retaliated with a viscious combo attack
canadian-prize-99999999

And that was pretty much the where it ended.  I put her back to bed, and resumed pimping the web, only now with a pile of Canadian AWESOMENESS!

Thanks Canadian SEO!
canadian-prize-999999999


The Ultimate SEO Marriage – I’ll Do the Honors

Imagine a marriage between cShel and Daver.  High atop the Sears Tower, the place is packed with friends, family, and SEO Superstars.  They are broadcasting live on uStream and hundreds of people are watching online.  Lisa Barone is live blogging the event, with SugarRae smacking her in the back of the head for not using the <more> tag.

Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates.  Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing.  Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.

SEO Wedding Couple

All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers.  Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action.  Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”

Chris Hooley the Dudeist Priest

Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.

This Could Happen, Really.

I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus.  For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors.  Because I’m now an ordained priest.

I’m a Dudeist Priest.

If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations.  I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.

If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here.  So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!


Hip Hop Promotion

I’m sure you’re completely confused as to why my blog has a post titled “Hip Hop Promotion” but I assure you there is at least tangential relevancy.  An old friend of mine, Nick Norris, has plunged himself head first into the world of web design, SEO, and all that juicy stuff.  At first I thought “Ohh great, another new Phoenix SEO to compete for contracts.” Shizzle bizzle, I had no idea how much he was into it his new passion until I saw like 10 of his sites.  One of which, Hip Hop Village, he is targeting for the phrase “Hop Hop Promotion”.

In my cockiness, I may or may not have just blurted out to him that I will get his site to rank #1 in Google for Hip Hop Promotion.  This of course, was before I did any research.  But after doing a bit of research, turns out it will require at least some effort… which stinks because it aint like I’m getting paid for this. My “bigger than it should be” mouth just got me into a stupid predicament. I wrote a check that my ass is now required to cash…

So maybe you, my friends, could post a little linkie to his site with some nice rich anchor text to help a brother out?  If you do, me love you long time and me also owe you one.  And if you do, let me know if there is anything I can help you push as well, since I will owe you one!  In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do about that page title, redirect, and content. ;-)


It’s a PUPPY-OFF!

SnoopBloggyBlog is known for copying everything awesome that I do.  So when I went out and got a cute puppy, it’s no surprise Jon felt he had to follow suit.  But Jon is under the false impression that his puppy is CUTER than mine.  CUTER THAN MINE?!  Not possible.  You might be SEO Savvy, but you are not a very good judge of puppy cuteness, Jon Heinl.

Jon’s opinion remains unaltered by my domineering attempts to get him to admit my Bailey is cuter than his Tyson.  So I declared a PUPPY-OFF!!!

The rules are simple, I post the two pictures below, and YOU just comment on this thread that my puppy is cuter.  If you choose not to admit MY puppy is cuter, you are also a false prophet of puppy cuteness and you can join Jon among the ranks of people who have no idea how to judge the cuteness of a puppy.

So let’s do this thing…

Tyson

Here is Jon’s puppy.  He’s a 7 week old boxer who doesn’t sleep, whines a lot, and poops gigantically all over the house.  Cute?  Maybe.

Bailey

Now here is my little Bailey.  A sweet little 7 week old Malti-Poo who already is somewhat potty trained and can fit easily into my front pocket for maximum cuteness retention.

Now you be the judge, which puppy is cuter?  (say mine)


The IRS Sucks. And so does TurboTax.

Holy crap check this out. I was penalized 6k in 2007 despite overpaying by 2k, because TurboTax did not transmit the money on the 14th of April, even though I got a successful transmission message after clicking the button. I was notified after the deadline, by the IRS, that they never got my payment. So I hired a tax lady, who wrote me a nice letter and attached some screen shots of my TurboTax account showing I paid on time and it was a software problem. So I thought I cleaned up last year’s problem. I was stoked!

I literally just licked the envelope to send off the correspondence to the IRS about the 2007 problem, and continued to tend to my bills. In the pile, there was another letter from the IRS. This one says I owe almost 18k for my 2006 taxes. Because apparently, TurboTax did the same thing that year. But the IRS waited almost 2 years so they could add an additional 6k in penalties and interest.

So now, out of the blue, I am 22k in the hole with the government. And I swear I paid that 12k, I remember it clear as day. In 2006 I found out the transmission did not go through and sent them a check. Bank of America said they cannot find the check, but I remember it plain as day.  Plus both years, I was paying my taxes the whole time.  But of course, the IRS can always figure out ways to squeeze a little extra out of a brotha.

I called the IRS, and they basically said I am S.O.L. and any problems I have had with software have nothing to do with the bottom line, which is, I owe them 22k right now. And as for Bank of America, it’s not like I backed up my transaction logs, so I depend on their system to pull data when needed.

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but how the heck did both B of A and the IRS lose record of that transaction? And how can The IRS justify waiting until 6k in interest and penalties is accrued to inform me about the 2006 problem?  And how can they justify penalizing me 6k for OVERPAYING my taxes by thousands of dollars just a few weeks late?  Especially considering I TRIED to pay on time and the software was to blame?

This is how.

The government totally sucks you motherfucker.


Effin Loser!

I don’t blog much and this post alone will probably suppress my readership list by ten percent, but I feel it is very important to point something out. Joshua Strebel, although a pretty good guy, is a big, effin loser! Always a bridesmaid and never a bride (although he secretly dreams about me in a tux) he has always been number 2, in more ways than one, for longer than I can remember. (get the number two comment, it’s not just rankings but it’s also double entendre about him being a big poop)

If you want to join our campaign in calling out Josh as a big effin loser, please add the following code to your website!

<a href=”http://saint-rebel.com/” title=”Big Effin Loser!”>Effin Loser</a>

Thanks, that will be all!

I love you Josh. Call me, we’ll do beers.


Bank of America is Grossly Negligent- My Story of Identity Theft

On 5 separate occasions Bank of America handed money from my account to a criminal with a fake ID.  His signature wasn’t even remotely close to the hundreds, no thousands of signatures that Bank of America has on file for me.  They handed him almost 26k one day, and later on that day, another $12,500.  Same day.  I found the guy on Instant Checkmate… turns out he’s a hardened criminal with a ton of identity theft charges.

Since then, I have missed work twice, spent aproximately 20 hours on the phone, email, or in a Bank of America branch.  I’ve been given phone numbers and I’ve been told “You gotta call here” only to find out I needed to call somebody else.

But inconvenience isn’t the problem.  It’s the gross negligence of 5 separate banking centers.  it’s the lack of motivation that Bank of America has exhibited in the past few weeks in giving me my money back.  It’s the fact that  I have missed several business opportunities because my checking account has dried up and my card isn’t working.  It’s the late bills, which will affect my credit.

In the upcoming days, I’ll be writing my story in detail about how my identity was stolen, how my bank account was cleared out, and how Bank of America has handled the situation.  People need to know how this bank operates, it’s a huge bank handling a *lot* of your finances.

I’ll also be looking for others who have had similar experiences, and perhaps a few opportunistic lawyers who have the wherewithal to stand up against Bank of America in a class action lawsuit, for being grossly negligent and negatively affecting the lives of their customers.

Stay tuned, as time allows I will be working on getting my money back, and writing about my experiences.


SEO Superlatives Winners TBA on the 4th of July!

The SEO Superlatives Team has reviewed nearly ONE THOUSAND polls, and your winners have been determined.  But, our work is not done yet.  Compilation of the master post is currently underway. This blog post is just a teaser!  Results will not be leaked, no matter HOW MUCH you hound us!!

We plan on posting the results along with the rest of the fireworks.  In the meantime, thank you so much for your participation!


SEO Superlatives Poll is Officially OPEN!

OK folks, here’s your chance to cast your votes! The voting closes after the first 250 responses (or until the committee gets bored!) so choose your winners now! The SEO Superlatives Polls are officially open!

EDIT- we hit 250 responses in about an hour, so it’s opened up to 1000 responses. There’s STILL TIME to cast YOUR votes!

Please note- this page requires Firefox. Other browsers are really gonna hose this page.

SEO Most Likely to Succeed
SEO Conference Clown
Best SEO Couple
Best Dressed SEO
SEO Party Animal
SEO’s Best Hairdo
SEO’s Biggest Flirt
Smartest SEO
Most Athletic SEO
Best SEO Blogger
Best Smile
Most Creative SEO
Best SEO Conference
Best SEO Conference Speaker
Best SEO You’ve Never Heard Of
Most Likely To Be Banned
Biggest SEO Nerd
Best SEO Nickname/Handle
Cutt’s Pet
Best Technical SEO
Top Linkbaiter
Best Up and Coming SEO
SEO Social Media Addict
Biggest Google Fanboy
Least Likely to Date Hooley
Biggest PageRank
Most Fiery SEO
SEO Most Likely to Become President
Most Likely To Get Kicked Out Of The Bar
Most Likely To Close The Bar
The SEO You’d Be Most Afraid To Bring Home to Mom
Most Feared in SEO
Mr / Ms Congeniality
Most Likely to Start an Argument
Most Likely to Win an Argument (even if they’re wrong!)
Best Tweeter
Noisiest SEO
Snarkiest SEO
Most Traveled SEO
SEO Hater Award
Best SEO Ranter
Most Networked SEO
Biggest SEO DoucheBag



The SEO Superlatives Committee Announced! (kinda)

The SEO Superlatives committee has been established, and we’re already hard at work. Much thanks to those who’ve put their time and effort into helping me with this so far. For those who want to nominate your choice for any of the categories, you know who to bug now!

And without further ado (sp?), here’s your committee!

Chris Hooley – Wannabe Class President – AKA Captain T.C.
Lisa Barone – Secretary of Pure Awesome, from Bruce Clay’s Search Engine Optimization Blog
Melanie Nathan – Can’t think of a title, but she works at this Edmonton Design Firm
Michael VanDeMar - Secretary of SMACKDOWN
David Temple – Gentleman and SEM Scholar
Taylor Pratt – Mustache Advocate from Gonzo SEO, who’s obsessed with this for some reason
Zak Nicola - Content Writer (bwaaahahahaa!)
David Harry – Staff Hat Salesman

D

Still awaiting confirmation from a couple other peeps. I’ll add them as they confirm. But for the most part, we’re set… to judge you… in public! LOVIN’ IT!


Best.Video.Ever. Internet Viral Video MashUp from Weezer!

I must admit, I’m a bit nostalgic about the says when the internet was a little underground. I got joke emails and actually WANTED to receive them. Only a select few in my circle saw all the same viral stuff I did. It felt kind of exclusive.

But on the other hand, it is amazing to see this same creativity at the forefront of pop culture. Watching the web grow into what it has become was something only my generation witnessed. We watched history being made daily, and we still are watching. The web is still in it’s infancy, but it’s already now as mainstream as it gets.

Insert Weezer. Their new video is a compilation of viral video stars, which has literally changed my opinion of them as a band. I never disliked them, but I was never a big Weezer guy. Now, from one stinkin’ video, they have converted me into a huge fan. Those of you who are as web geeeky as I am will absolutely love this video. And without further ado, and a few weeks behind the curve, I present to you my new favorite video of all time. Weezer’s Pork and Beans. Enjoy!


I Wish I Was Good Looking… And Relevant

Wow, my fragile male ego took a double hit. A contest for the best looking SEO dude is the reason for my newfound insecurity. Either I got hit pretty hard with the Ugly Stick, or people forgot about me. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling ugly, or feeling like a nobody.

Oh well, at least my beautiful girlfriend still thinks I am the best looking man in SEO!

best looking dude is SEO with his beautiful lady!


Plurk is Twitter on METH *

* Phrase stolen from Snoop Bloggy Blog‘s Plurk Page.

Ok, I know I was just posting some BS about Twitter, and how you all need to follow me there.  But today the flavor of the day is PLURK.   It’s another micro-blogging social media platform, like Twitter and Pownce.  But this one is SIIICK.  So far no slow down (we’ll see how long that lasts) and the features are cool.  Super crazy ajaxy coolness.

Everybody, I changed my mind.  Follow me on PLURK instead.   Or at least until I change my mind again.  Or at least try it out for a bit to see if you like it, since there’s too much to explain about it and my attention span is shortening by the sec…


Micro-Blogging; Come Follow Me on Twitter!

If you’re like me (a completely A.D.D. web geek) your attention span is probably really shor..

So short I couldn’t even finish writing that sentence…

So let’s get to the point then.  Come follow me on Twitter.  Micro-blogging.  Fast.   Click here and win fabulous prizes!


Enough with the SEO Fundamentalism!

According to my last check on Wikipedia, fundamentalism is a “deep and totalistic commitment” to a belief… usually of religious or moral nature. But what I have seen in the SEO community far too often is a “holier than thou” thumping of the general SEO population, that is by nature, narrow.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have morals. I stick to my personal set of ethics, both in my personal and professional life. They might not be the same as your values, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong.

Last week I stumbled (social) on a very entertaining story (bait). So entertaining in fact, I thought I would share it with some friends (viral) not realizing it was written by an well known SEO (bad ass). The story was about a 13 year old who stole a credit card to play halo with hookers. Who doesn’t want to read about that? It’s HILARIOUS! So hilarious in fact, it ended up getting mainstream media coverage from the likes of Fox News and such.

The story did not claim it was actual news, or even true for that matter. It was an entertaining anecdote, and people ate it up. Except for a whole bunch of SEOs who reacted harshly to it. Reading the sphinn comments on the story really started to test my patience. It felt like I was hanging out with my neighbors who always try to save me and take me to their church… which I am not a fan of BTW if you are reading this Eric.

Sentiments like “Social Media is ruined forever” and “SEO sunk to a new low” are preachy, at best. Jill Whalen, you and me go way back from my days at HighRankings, and the last thing I want is for you to feel offended here… but I don’t want to go to the SEO Church of Link Morality or subscribe to somebody else’s code of ethics. Establish your own, that’s fine and respectable. Just don’t thump us with them. We can all decide own how we choose to operate.

There is no black and white. Everything is shades of gray. We all must way the risks and rewards for our own actions, and think laterally. Sure, there are times I do wish others would up their own set of personal or professional ethics, but I’m not going to be the one preaching it to them. I’ll do what I do, you do what you do. Just don’t tell me what to do and we’ll be cool. Cool?


Relevence is KEY, Even Off-Page!

You know the importance of themes, relevant content, and relevant website links. But do you understand the value of staying relevant offline, or even what that means?

Ask yourself this question: Are YOU really relevant?

Does your website properly reflect who YOU are, who your company IS? If the answer is no, you might be trying to rank for the wrong phrase. You might not be transparent. You might be faking it, and it’s only a matter of time before everybody, including Google, figures that out.

Google knows who I am. Lately, I haven’t been the crazy guy at conferences that many of you have come to know me as, because now I am a corporate SEO. I was relevant to conference junkie SEO types, with loud stunts and what not. Now I don’t even make the list, where less than a year ago I was a shoe in.

Why do YOU think that is? Is it because I don’t blog like I used to? Is it because I am no longer whoring all the blogs and forums? Is it because I am underground, or maybe even the exact opposite of that? Sold out?

The answer is simple. Lately my focus has been on my business, my corporate SEO gig, and my family. This is where I am relevant now. I rank for phrases that ARE relevant for me, and for my business. I’m not going to rank for SEO Blogger, SEO Blog, Captain Thundercock (yet) because I am currently more focused, thus relevant, in different areas.

The new key is transparency. 5 years ago links could be programmed or harvested rather easily, today you have to be who and what you are talking about. It’s easier that way anyways.

Don’t chase a false dream. You don’t wanna be that guy. Be the guy who IS what you SAY you are, even off-page, and the rest will be easier.


St. Patrick’s Day – S.E.S. New York Style!

The only thing that could possibly be more Irish for the SEM community is moving the SES to Boston… check that, I guess you could have it in IRELAND, but I digress…

NEW YORK FUCKIN’ CITY! S.E.S. Pub Crawl! St. Patrick’s Day!! I don’t know what YOUR plans are, but if you’re a REAL web marketer, you’re probably a party animal like the rest of us. If you’re a REAL party animal, you probably like pubs and pub crawls. If you REALLY like pubs or pub crawls, you’re probably Irish (and even if you aren’t you still pretend you are on St. Patty’s Day).

Here’s the deal, there is a prefect intersection of BAD ASS happening this Monday, in New York Fuckin’ City. I don’t know what YOUR plans are yet but drop them cuz the real bad asses in our industry will be doing ONE THING ONLY. And that’s whoopin’ it up, drinking green beer and Guinness (or Irish Whiskey if you’re extremely bad ass), and talking about how awesome Chris Hooley is during the S.E.S. Pub Crawl!

More details to come, but be ready mofos!


7 Healthy Activities for Dads and Daughters

Being a single dad means wearing a lot of hats. Dad, mom, chef, doctor, teacher, coach, and sometimes when I am lucky, activity coordinator. Being in charge of the activities means I don’t have to play house, have a tea party, or pretend I am a Disney prince… all activities that I grin and bear with a smile, none of which I am particularly fond of (especially being the Prince, I keep telling her if she’s the Princess, I am the KING!)

After a while, I’ve started to figure out some ways to spend time with my kiddo while maintaining some semblance of manliness AND getting some exercise at the same time. It helps that she’s almost 5 now and is able to partake in more vigorous activities but I digress. Here are 7 great active ideas for Dad’s with little girls who like me, don’t have enough time to both play with the kiddo and get in their daily exercise!

1) Weight Lifting – Daddy Style

Daddy Style weightlifting means your weights are… your kid! It’s free, requires no travel, and it can be done right on your living room floor. My daughter loves to be bench pressed, curled, lifted, leg lifted, etc. We also take turns with sets. She tries bench pressing my arm or leg, and tests her strength. It’s a great way to teach your daughter how to exercise, and to motivate her to try harder or challenge herself. The only problem I’ve encountered in getting a real workout here is that she’s only 45 pounds. I can’t exactly mass build when benching a toddler.

2) Pretend Wrestling

This one is the easiest; and again this one’s free! Kids love to be “roughed up” as long as you aren’t actually rough at all. It’s also the perfect time to teach appropriate boundaries. We have tons of fun pretending we are boxers or professional wrestlers while we pretend to punch, block, kick, or grapple in ways that don’t hurt your “opponent”. I’ll often lift her up over my head pretending I tossed her out of the ring, while slowly lowering her to the ground and pretend shouting “nooooooo!” Gives me a little of that healthy muscle burn, and give her a laugh from being suspended in mid air.

3) Karaoke Dance Parties

This activity isn’t exactly free since it requires music… and for my reputation’s sake this can only be done if the blinds are closed. But this is one of my guilty pleasure and secretly one of my favorites.

I have a playlist on my iPod that has a ton of 80s music (with no swears of course!) sprinkled in with some Hannah Montana and a few No Doubt songs for good measure. We crank up the iPod dock and use one of her brushes as a microphone and we pretend to do concerts for her dolls, or we’ll even make up silly dance routines. I use this opportunity to dance like a maniac, bordering physical comedy. She laughs like a maniac, bordering asthma attacks.  However if the general population ever saw this, there would be a lot more crying than laughing… either from me, or those watching it.

4) Playing the Wii

This might be the manliest activity on my list. What guy doesn’t like video games? Especially ones their 4-5 year old daughter likes too! When we play Wii bowling, to increase the healthy factor, we pretend to run down the isle just like real bowling and we even jump when we release the ball. It doesn’t help my accuracy much, but at least we’re getting active and having some fun.

5) Going Out “Discovering”

The outdoors can be fantastical to a child-if they have the right guide. We’ll walk down the street and I’ll help her climb random objects pretending they are something from out of this world. Sometimes we’ll find a trail and climb hills, large rocks, or small mountains and pretend we’re discovering new lands.  Sometimes I’ll even let her load up her wagon with dolls and we went for a walk around the block pretending we were tour guides.

6) Target Jumping

This one is a real hit with the kids.  All you gotta do is set “targets” around the house or outside.  I often use my finger against a wall or a washable marker.  Set your targets at various heights just near the top of your daughter’s max jumping height.  Give her a route around the house, and she must touch or slap each target.  If the target is too high, lower it a bit.  Too low?  Add another higher one.  Use your watch like a stop watch and time her like it’s an obstacle course (I often make up times and keep yelling “GO GO GO! You’re Gonna Break the Record!”.  20 minutes of this and she’ll be napping in no time!

There are a bunch of variations in this game, where you can follow her around the “course” and hit your own targets, or if your daughter has friends over you can line them all up and use your finger against the wall and adjust for each of their jumping abilities.   If you’re tired, just lean against the wall and set various targets with your hand or finger.  If you wanna rev up, get outside and make it challenging for both of you.  You’d be surprised at how much fun your little one will have with this one.

7) Tasting Parties

A tasting party is when you choose a couple of new foods (we usually do exotic fruits) and see what they taste like.  I usually take my daughter to the grocery store so we can look at different fruits and vegetables to figure out which we would like to try that day.  Then we take them home, wash them together, and prepare them to be served (I usually handle anything that has to do with a knife!)  Then we set our plates, and take turns tasting things and explaining what they taste like.  This is a perfect way to refuel after some exhausting play time AND to replace junk food snacks with healthier alternatives.

8) BONUS ACTIVITY: Take a nap!

Because both you and your kid are probably worn out now!

If anybody else knows of any other healthy activities for Dads and Daughters, comment here and let me know what YOU do.  I’m always looking for new ways to bond with my kid and keep that Daddy Belly in check!  Plus, this could be a good resource for people who started like me, having NO IDEA how to raise a little girl.  Single dads (like me) especially could probably use a little guidance sometimes.



Ok So The Patriots Lost… At LEAST I was on TV!

I have so much to say about my experience but the pain is too strong to write it all right now. But like every dark cloud, even THE Biggest Disappointment in Sports History had a shining moment for me. I was on TV! Watch the clip and relish my huge fame and instant popularity!

Wow, that movie was terrific eh? Send all movie script roles to me via my contact page!


CHRIS HOOLEY HAS TICKETS TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!

Anybody need some? I can get them to you at the last minute. I live in AZ. There are very few of these bad boys left on the planet!

(I just magically turned into a ticket broker!!)

Superbowl Tickets


Chris Hooley is Going to the SUPERBOWL!!!

I can’t believe it… I’m having daily heart palpitations. I am going to be there when history is made. I am going to the biggest football game ever. Ever. This is the year Tom Brady and the Patriots make history!!

I’ll be in section 406 row 10. Watch for me on TV, I’m gonna do my best to hog the camera for at least one second to cement my immortality too. I’m high up, so the camera won’t likley be buzzing around where I sit, but my HELMET will insure that even if I am on for ONE GLIMPSE that I will be easy to spot.

Go Patriots! This is the biggest event I have ever headed to. I feel like I am going to explode!!



Tom Brady Secrets!

If you’re a fan of Tom Brady, or funny random blogging, go check out Tom Brady Secrets. HILARIOUS stuff!

FYI- Jeff Dempsey contributed a ton to this blog, which is probably why it is so funny!


Biggest Loser Competition, Part Deuce :-(

I was pretty bragadocious in my last post about how to drop pounds FAST, eh?  Well here’s a follow up a lot of you health nuts will love.  Some may even get to say “Told ya so” but whatev…

So the Atkins diet made me lose 12 pounds in a week.  It also made me lethargic, irritable, and hungry.  My insides didn’t feel right, my immune system was lowered (I missed 2 days of work after getting really sick with what should have been a light cold), and my chest actually hurt inside like I was having heart problems.  All of this in ONE WEEK!

So I quit.  I ate kinda normal, got a little more active, and I gained most of the weight back.  In 2 days.  Now, my net loss is more like 3 pounds.  Not too impressive.

Moral of the story: Don’t do atkins unless you are near the very tail end of your weight loss competition.  It sucks.


3 Quick and Easy Steps to Becoming THE Biggest Loser!

My extended family has decided to have BIGGEST LOSER competition. The rules are simple. Each entrant pays 10 dollars to buy in. Every Tuesday we take our weight and send a picture of our scale as proof. After two months, the person who has lost the highest percentage of their body weight wins the pot!

Well it’s been one week. After losing almost 12 pounds, I thought I would outline my strategies for anybody who made the resolution to lose weight for the new years. 12 pounds in a week is a LOT of weight eh? Well here’s how I did it:

  1. Hardcore Atkins: follow the diet religiously, NO straying at all
  2. Treadmill Daily: at least 20 minutes
  3. Cry Every Time You See, Smell, or Even Think of ANY Food that’s Not Bacon

If you don’t mind heart disease, irritability, bad breath, and weird stuff happening with your insides, and you want to lose a lot of weight fast, try this out and see if you can a really big loser too!

I feel like crap…

Has anybody else succeeded with any other crash diets? Any tips or tricks on how to shed pounds fast? More importantly, anybody ever get on one of these diets and learn how NOT to gain all the weight back once they stop?


Guess Who’s Blogging Again!

Me!

I’ve spent too long minoring in the majors and majoring in the minors. I gotta get back to what got me where I am at today. For those who have forgotten who I am, I’m Chris Hooley. The Fonzie of SEO. I work for the best Student Loan Company on the web. I am a father, a son, a sumo wrestler, and an interpretive dancer / figure skater.  I will be your guide to pimping the web and pwning corporate America.  Stay tuned kiddies, I’m back with a vengeance!!


How to Launch Dozens of Blogs

There has to be a better way.  I have dozens domains that I want to create sites out of.  Free templates that I can edit myself.  Access to tons of awesome writers.  But creating the sites takes hours!  Set up hosting, configure, upload files, configure, install database, configure, etc etc etc.  It’s a pain in the arse.  Then once the sites are up, they crash from too much traffic (third host in 6 months, all the same problem)

These sites don’t have enough income potential to spend big dollars hosting them, but if I launch them all and keep my writers pounding out awesome stuff and driving traffic eventually these sites will be worth the effort.  But for now, no upsidedown-ski on hosting costs.

Anybody know a better, more efficient way to pound out lots of real wordpress blogs?  I am not looking for splog software, I just want to build out my sites so I don’t have all my chickens in one basket so to speak.


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