I’m screwed.

But at least my session is the first one, on the first day, so the chances of me nursing a killer hangover and possibly missing my speaking gig will be reduced by AT LEAST 15% – give or take.

If you know me, you know I’ve been a pretty hardcore SEO for about a decade.  And if you know me well, you know that I’ve pretty much transitioned myself into full bore affiliate marketer recently.  I still have a couple cool clients, but it’s no longer my core focus.  At the time when I put in my request to speak at Pubcon,  I was still seeking clients aggressively.  And my strength to date has been corporate SEO.  And that’s what I’ll be speaking about.  How to build and in-house SEO team.

For my ex-competitors, you’ll get the sauce.  Might be worth a look eh?

The rest of the week, I’ll be chasing Lisa Barone around in hopes of getting a kiss on the cheek… or something.  I’ll hopefully be the proud winner of a personal assistant (brought to you by the same guys who inspired and caused DRINKBAIT) to help me build beer bongs and make people take shots.  And I will be buying shots for SURE for those people who supported my efforts in the Anthem Relay for Life.  Some awesome peeps like Jon Kelly, the bad asses saving the world through bioresins and what not over at ThomasNet, and one inspirational Raleigh SEO named Casey Yandle.

So get ready people.  This is gonna be the best year EVER  for PUBCON VEGAS!!

Well I didn’t win the contest.  BUT!  I found out that I was awarded a consolation prize just for being a funny guy!

AAAWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE!!!!!

So I interrupted the regularly scheduled program of getting my kiddo ready for bed to see what I got!

Here it is in all it’s glory.  A coffee mug, poker chips, card, hat, and keychain according to customs

Imagine my excitement when I got the package!

My daughter was excited too.  So excited, she tried to steal the package from me.

She got it, which somehow magically made me warp backwards and rage

We compromized and decided to open to together

Kaylee was excited to find out it was chocolate.  I almost cried.

So here goes nothing, let’s check out our chocolate…

Hey this isn’t chocolate!!! It’s a CANADIAN GOLDMINE!

So I put the kid ot bed and decided to play with some of my new awesome Canadian Toys!

DRINKBAIT!

Wow, that shot was smooth.  And I spilled some on my shirt

Hey it worked!

I heard my daughter come back down stairs, and thought I would give her a little Canadian surprise!  Canadian Rally sticks FTW!

But she retaliated with a viscious combo attack

And that was pretty much the where it ended.  I put her back to bed, and resumed pimping the web, only now with a pile of Canadian AWESOMENESS!

Thanks Canadian SEO!

Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates.  Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing.  Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.

All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers.  Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action.  Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”

Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.

This Could Happen, Really.

I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus.  For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors.  Because I’m now an ordained priest.

I’m a Dudeist Priest.

If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations.  I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.

If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here.  So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!

In my cockiness, I may or may not have just blurted out to him that I will get his site to rank #1 in Google for Hip Hop Promotion.  This of course, was before I did any research.  But after doing a bit of research, turns out it will require at least some effort… which stinks because it aint like I’m getting paid for this. My “bigger than it should be” mouth just got me into a stupid predicament. I wrote a check that my ass is now required to cash…

So maybe you, my friends, could post a little linkie to his site with some nice rich anchor text to help a brother out?  If you do, me love you long time and me also owe you one.  And if you do, let me know if there is anything I can help you push as well, since I will owe you one!  In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do about that page title, redirect, and content. ;-)

Jon’s opinion remains unaltered by my domineering attempts to get him to admit my Bailey is cuter than his Tyson.  So I declared a PUPPY-OFF!!!

The rules are simple, I post the two pictures below, and YOU just comment on this thread that my puppy is cuter.  If you choose not to admit MY puppy is cuter, you are also a false prophet of puppy cuteness and you can join Jon among the ranks of people who have no idea how to judge the cuteness of a puppy.

So let’s do this thing…

Tyson

Here is Jon’s puppy.  He’s a 7 week old boxer who doesn’t sleep, whines a lot, and poops gigantically all over the house.  Cute?  Maybe.

Bailey

Now here is my little Bailey.  A sweet little 7 week old Malti-Poo who already is somewhat potty trained and can fit easily into my front pocket for maximum cuteness retention.

Now you be the judge, which puppy is cuter?  (say mine)