Fun Stuff

Official Zombie Attack Report Center

ZOMFG! Zombies! This week has been the awesomest week ever IRL if you like bad horror movies (or awesome ones like Zombieland).  At first, there was a Zombie attack in Miami.  Everybody is searching for Miami Zombie Victim Pictures and posting them on Facebook. But in a stunning twist of fate, the black guy didn’t die first.  In fact, it was a black dude who ate the face off some white guy.  That’s why at first I had a hard time believing this was a true zombie attack, because the black guy always dies first, then the hot annoying white chick.

But this does look pretty fuggin real TBH

I've been called Pizza Face before, but this is ridiculous...

Then there was a second zombie attack in Florida.  The government tried to cover the whole thing up by forcing the media to call it a vampire attack but COME ON NOW.  Vampires don’t eat faces, they suck blood!  And also, this is a white chick.  Wait, conspiracy theory, maybe all those movies were a lie… The black guy and white chick don’t die first.  They just want us to think that.

Ok she's not THAT hot. But admit it, you'd do her.

Now, two zombies, THAT’s kinda funny. I mean I can see a random occurrence of face eating in Florida. People do weird stuff when their sports teams are in the playoffs (I’m talking about the Heat, because all other Florida teams suck balls).  BUT TWO Zombie attacks?  Let’s the jokes flow.

But then shit got real.  It’s no longer contained in Florida. New Jersey also has a team in the playoffs.  I mean the DEVILS, not all the other teams in NJ who also suck.  WAIT… conspiracy theory alertHeat? Devils? This sounds super satanic! …shits getting WEIRDER by the MINUTE.

This Jersey Shore Zombie did NOT want to be outdone by these fish handed Spring Break Zombies.  But as you might expect, Jersey Shore Zombies are total douches. Really dumb kind of zombie. I mean, he didn’t even eat anybody else! This fool wanted to out zombie the other zombies, so he started eating himself, and fist pumping a knife into his own guts and throwing bits of his intestines at the cops as they pepper sprayed him.

Aint no Zombie like a Jersey Shore Zombie cuz a Jersey Shore Zombie Don't Stop! (throwing intestines)

No, that’s not Snookie’s unborn fetus.  That is in fact, what’s inside that beautiful Situation Six Pack.  Ammo.  Need to find a funny connection between his GUNS and his AMMO, but I am not smart or witty enough and I still have two more Zombies to cover.

We're all waiting to see if Snookie's baby comes out black, guido, or undead

AND THE PLOT THICKENS!

The Raven is a symbol of all kinds of scary crap, right?  Well the Baltimore Ravens made the playoffs despite how crappy their evil mustached QB is, so this evil little city needed to celebrate with their very own EVIL TEAM ZOMBIE JUBILEE.  (They’re kind of slow down there)

In every zombie movie, after the black guy dies, then it’s time for the hot white chick.  Near the end of the movie, the useful Asian who fixes things and figures stuff out is supposed to go next. In real life, the Asians were in cahoots with black guys and white chicks on this whole thing, so ACTUALLY they’re the next in line to the human flesh fest.

But the Asian Zombie stays true to character; he’s a really smart zombie (in fact, he’s an electrical engineer college student walking stereotype zombie).  He plots out his brain devouring and executes a flawless plan of opening up his very own basement Pei Wei and munches his hearts and brains without all the prying eyes.

Walking stereotype Asian Zombie eats his brains raw, with chopsticks, and some soy sauce

I don’t know if you noticed, but the San Antonio Spurs are also in the playoffs.  And as much as Tim Duncan looks like a retarded neanderthal, he’s actually an evil genius.  Based on the fact that the Spurs win a lot, (they’re like the Patriots of the NBA) they MUST have a deal with the devil too, right?  Their uniforms are black and silver, and their logo, a spur, is actually a pentagram used to injure horses in an attempt to control them.  Perfectly evil. So naturally, San Antonio has got to be the next city hit by Zombie Party 2012, right?  You Betcha!

This next zombie was initially mistaken as the single mom zombie. But we have come to find out, this zombie is the much more dangerous Angry Baby Momma Mexican Zombie, AKA the Chola Zombie.  (who happens to be a Spurs fan, because all black and silver teams are beloved by Mexicans – the colors are so gangsta and always match their hairnets) She beheaded her baby and started eating her little baby toes (a delicacy amongst zombies) after a drunken trip to Walmart to buy some more mouthwash (the cheapest buzz foodstamps can buy), an industrial sized bucket of lard (it’s toe taco night after all), and steal some make up.

Here she is before she turned Zombie. Confusing, yes, but she just wears her makeup that way.

So far, as of June 1st 2012 the Zombie outbreak is contained to 5 (EDIT: we have been alerted to 3 more Zombie attacks bringing the number up to 8, updates are below). There are rumors of a 9th attack in the Toronto area. But don’t worry, it was just some French homo in Canada tried to get attention and jump on this trend by killing a cat and some other gay dude.  Totally not a zombie, just a kid who hates his father and really needs a hug.  Or some anal.  Or maybe just some love.

DANGER: OTHER CITIES ARE ON WATCH!

Be on the lookout OKC, Boston, and Los Angeles. This Zombie outbreak seems to be spreading to cities who have teams in the playoffs. We’re not yet sure if it only applies to evil teams, or playoff teams.  If the playoff theory is wrong and it’s following around the most evil teams in sports, look out New York.  You’re pretty much guaranteed to be overrun by asshole zombies who think they are awesome.

I will keep you updated as more zombie attacks are reported.  To stay on top of this shit, subscribe and start following me on Facebook and Twitter.  And most importantly join our new Zombie Apocalypse Awareness and Support Group on Facebook!

UPDATE 1: San Diego Man Bites his Cousin’s Nose Off 
UPDATE 2: (Again in Florida) Man Bites Lips Off Kitten and Strangles Another Cat
UPDATE 3: Contractor Bites Lowe’s Employee in Georgia

 


10 Facebook Commandments

Being a total Facebook whore, I figured I would be the perfect authority to decide what thou shall and shant thoust doeth whilst thou visiteth thine kingdom.

Enjoyeth.


30 Day Paleo Challenge- I’m Going PRIMAL!

For the past 2 years, I haven’t had a single sip of beer.  Sounds nutts right?  I mean, I was the beer bong guy.  I’m DrinkBait, Biatch!  What the hell am I doing not drinking beer?

Well it turns out I am allergic to a couple foods and intolerant to many more.  I took the Alcat Allergy Test and it really made sense why my favorite meal, pizza and beer, made me feel sick as a dog for days afterwards.  Turns out, I am severely allergic to casein, the main protein found in dairy.   And I am also severely  intolerant to gluten, bell peppers, brewer’s yeast, hops, and barley.  So basically the only thing in pizza and beer that I wasn’t allergic to was the tomato sauce.  Unless that had peppers in it which happens half the time.

This was both welcome news, and a punch in the gut.  I had spent years in my adult life knowing something was wrong.  I was always tired, frequently anxious and / or cranky.  My mind was foggy.  I always carried weight around my waist and felt bloated.  My guts just never felt right. I was happy to finally know where this feeling was coming from.  It was jsut sad that is was caused by the very things I loved most.

I was a beer drinker’s beer drinker.  LOVED me some Bass Ale.  Loved me almost every kind of beer that existed.  I was both a beer snob and a coors lite drinker at the same time.  I loved it all.  My favorite food has always been pizza.  Fancy, deep crust, thin crust, extra cheese, various toppings… pizza was like sex.   Even bad sex is better than no sex.  Same with pizza.

So, I had to quit.  I adopted a diet that made it virtually impossible to eat out.  No flour, no wheat or bread, and no dairy.  No butter.   I couldn’t eat really anything on any menu because of how common these two things are.   To this day if I go out to eat, I have to eat at home first.  I can’t go to somebody’s house and have a home cooked meal because it’s so hard to avoid these two ingredients that they have no idea they are poisoning me and just by trying to give me something delicious, they are partially responsible for me feeling like crap for  the next few weeks.

When I first adopted this diet, my body started to transform.  My muscles got bigger, and my waist got smaller.  I started looking great!  But unfortunately this was short lived… The longer I stayed on this diet, the more things I found that were bad for me that I *could* eat.  I have never had a big sweet tooth, but since my food choices were so limited, and sugar wasn’t something I was allergic to, I started to eat candy.  More candy than ever.   I would smash a 3 pound bag of hot tamales in a day easy, and still eat a big dinner.

I started killing myself in a new way.  And my body started morphing back into the same shape I was in initially.  And with the sugar came new problems.  After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or thirsty.  I was just always hungry.  I had such strong problems with hydration my muscles would cramp up every single day.  My blood was so thick, my vision was kind of blurry and my arms and legs would go to sleep multiple times a day.  And I was getting acne like a teenager.  My back, shoulders, and face looked like a greasy teenager despite taking 1-3 showers a day.

So I decided, it’s time for a change.  I need to clean myself out.  There’s no way I am going vegetarian, I just don’t believe in that.  Humans did not evolve eating only veggies and fruits.  Since the caveman days we have been eating animals, veggies, and fruit.  We have evolved to eat this way.  We did not evolve looking at a stalk of wheat, thinking “mmm delicious!”, in fact, the thought of eating hay like that should invoke a primal reaction of grossness.  I’m not going Atkins because any diet that says no vegetables is clearly not healthy.  I decided I was gonna eat the way humans evolved to eat.  I was gonna eat like a caveman.  Veggies, fruit, and meat.

I’m going Primal.  Straight Paleo Caveman Diet BIATCH!Paleo for Dummies

It’s been 3 days since I started my paleo diet, and I can say I already feel different.  My head isn’t as foggy, now I can tell when I’m thirsty, and my acne is starting to clear up already.  And I’ve lost 5 pounds too (surely water wight but it’s a great way to kick off a new diet.)

It hasn’t been easy, since I am so used to grabbing a spoonful of peanut butter whenever I feel like snacking.  but admittedly it’s probably easier for me than the average Joe since I am used to having a restricted diet.  But I am so used to having candy around the house, and easy options.  Now instead, I have a kitchen full of fruits and veggies.  And when I get my typical late night boredom cravings, I walk into the kitchen and I am  forced to choose between all healthy options.  In days, my late night snacking has already been curbed because there’s no comfort snacks that contain sugar just sitting there for me.  In fact, I walk into the kitchen bored and walk out with a glass of water now.

I will post before and after pics when I finish a month of living primal.  Hopefully my caveman diet gets me caveman ripped.  I mean seriously, ever heard of a fat caveman?


Pubcon is Coming!

Are you ready for this?  Pubcon 2009 in Sunny Las Vegas is almost here.  And for the first time ever, I’m taking the podium.  Runnin’ with the big dawgs.  It’s in a few weeks and I still have yet to complete my presentation.

I’m screwed.

But at least my session is the first one, on the first day, so the chances of me nursing a killer hangover and possibly missing my speaking gig will be reduced by AT LEAST 15% – give or take.

If you know me, you know I’ve been a pretty hardcore SEO for about a decade.  And if you know me well, you know that I’ve pretty much transitioned myself into full bore affiliate marketer recently.  I still have a couple cool clients, but it’s no longer my core focus.  At the time when I put in my request to speak at Pubcon,  I was still seeking clients aggressively.  And my strength to date has been corporate SEO.  And that’s what I’ll be speaking about.  How to build and in-house SEO team.

For my ex-competitors, you’ll get the sauce.  Might be worth a look eh?

The rest of the week, I’ll be chasing Lisa Barone around in hopes of getting a kiss on the cheek… or something.  I’ll hopefully be the proud winner of a personal assistant (brought to you by the same guys who inspired and caused DRINKBAIT) to help me build beer bongs and make people take shots.  And I will be buying shots for SURE for those people who supported my efforts in the Anthem Relay for Life.  Some awesome peeps like Jon Kelly, the bad asses saving the world through bioresins and what not over at ThomasNet, and one inspirational Raleigh SEO named Casey Yandle.

So get ready people.  This is gonna be the best year EVER  for PUBCON VEGAS!!


The Canadian SEO Prize Package!

Melanie Nathan (follow her on Twitter @MelanieNathan) recently had a kick ass little contest to get people to participate in her brand new blog, which worked like a charm.  Just check out all those comments.  She LITERALLY just launched Canadian SEO at the time of that post, which I guarantee will take over that frozen tundra like a Nor’ Easter.  No wait, like the British.

Well I didn’t win the contest.  BUT!  I found out that I was awarded a consolation prize just for being a funny guy!

AAAWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE!!!!!

So I interrupted the regularly scheduled program of getting my kiddo ready for bed to see what I got!

Here it is in all it’s glory.  A coffee mug, poker chips, card, hat, and keychain according to customs
Canadian Prize

Imagine my excitement when I got the package!
Canadian Prize

My daughter was excited too.  So excited, she tried to steal the package from me.
Canadian-Prize

She got it, which somehow magically made me warp backwards and rage
canadian-prize-4

We compromized and decided to open to together
canadian-prize-5

Kaylee was excited to find out it was chocolate.  I almost cried.
canadian-prize-6

So here goes nothing, let’s check out our chocolate…
canadian-prize-7

Hey this isn’t chocolate!!! It’s a CANADIAN GOLDMINE!
canadian-prize-8

canadian-prize-9

canadian-prize-99

So I put the kid ot bed and decided to play with some of my new awesome Canadian Toys!
canadian-prize-999

DRINKBAIT!
canadian-prize-9999

Wow, that shot was smooth.  And I spilled some on my shirt
canadian-prize-99999

Hey it worked!
canadian-prize-999999

I heard my daughter come back down stairs, and thought I would give her a little Canadian surprise!  Canadian Rally sticks FTW!
canadian-prize-9999999

But she retaliated with a viscious combo attack
canadian-prize-99999999

And that was pretty much the where it ended.  I put her back to bed, and resumed pimping the web, only now with a pile of Canadian AWESOMENESS!

Thanks Canadian SEO!
canadian-prize-999999999


The Ultimate SEO Marriage – I’ll Do the Honors

Imagine a marriage between cShel and Daver.  High atop the Sears Tower, the place is packed with friends, family, and SEO Superstars.  They are broadcasting live on uStream and hundreds of people are watching online.  Lisa Barone is live blogging the event, with SugarRae smacking her in the back of the head for not using the <more> tag.

Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates.  Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing.  Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.

SEO Wedding Couple

All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers.  Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action.  Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”

Chris Hooley the Dudeist Priest

Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.

This Could Happen, Really.

I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus.  For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors.  Because I’m now an ordained priest.

I’m a Dudeist Priest.

If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations.  I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.

If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here.  So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!


Hip Hop Promotion

I’m sure you’re completely confused as to why my blog has a post titled “Hip Hop Promotion” but I assure you there is at least tangential relevancy.  An old friend of mine, Nick Norris, has plunged himself head first into the world of web design, SEO, and all that juicy stuff.  At first I thought “Ohh great, another new Phoenix SEO to compete for contracts.” Shizzle bizzle, I had no idea how much he was into it his new passion until I saw like 10 of his sites.  One of which, Hip Hop Village, he is targeting for the phrase “Hop Hop Promotion”.

In my cockiness, I may or may not have just blurted out to him that I will get his site to rank #1 in Google for Hip Hop Promotion.  This of course, was before I did any research.  But after doing a bit of research, turns out it will require at least some effort… which stinks because it aint like I’m getting paid for this. My “bigger than it should be” mouth just got me into a stupid predicament. I wrote a check that my ass is now required to cash…

So maybe you, my friends, could post a little linkie to his site with some nice rich anchor text to help a brother out?  If you do, me love you long time and me also owe you one.  And if you do, let me know if there is anything I can help you push as well, since I will owe you one!  In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do about that page title, redirect, and content. ;-)


It’s a PUPPY-OFF!

SnoopBloggyBlog is known for copying everything awesome that I do.  So when I went out and got a cute puppy, it’s no surprise Jon felt he had to follow suit.  But Jon is under the false impression that his puppy is CUTER than mine.  CUTER THAN MINE?!  Not possible.  You might be SEO Savvy, but you are not a very good judge of puppy cuteness, Jon Heinl.

Jon’s opinion remains unaltered by my domineering attempts to get him to admit my Bailey is cuter than his Tyson.  So I declared a PUPPY-OFF!!!

The rules are simple, I post the two pictures below, and YOU just comment on this thread that my puppy is cuter.  If you choose not to admit MY puppy is cuter, you are also a false prophet of puppy cuteness and you can join Jon among the ranks of people who have no idea how to judge the cuteness of a puppy.

So let’s do this thing…

Tyson

Here is Jon’s puppy.  He’s a 7 week old boxer who doesn’t sleep, whines a lot, and poops gigantically all over the house.  Cute?  Maybe.

Bailey

Now here is my little Bailey.  A sweet little 7 week old Malti-Poo who already is somewhat potty trained and can fit easily into my front pocket for maximum cuteness retention.

Now you be the judge, which puppy is cuter?  (say mine)


Effin Loser!

I don’t blog much and this post alone will probably suppress my readership list by ten percent, but I feel it is very important to point something out. Joshua Strebel, although a pretty good guy, is a big, effin loser! Always a bridesmaid and never a bride (although he secretly dreams about me in a tux) he has always been number 2, in more ways than one, for longer than I can remember. (get the number two comment, it’s not just rankings but it’s also double entendre about him being a big poop)

If you want to join our campaign in calling out Josh as a big effin loser, please add the following code to your website!

<a href=”http://saint-rebel.com/” title=”Big Effin Loser!”>Effin Loser</a>

Thanks, that will be all!

I love you Josh. Call me, we’ll do beers.


SEO Superlatives Winners TBA on the 4th of July!

The SEO Superlatives Team has reviewed nearly ONE THOUSAND polls, and your winners have been determined.  But, our work is not done yet.  Compilation of the master post is currently underway. This blog post is just a teaser!  Results will not be leaked, no matter HOW MUCH you hound us!!

We plan on posting the results along with the rest of the fireworks.  In the meantime, thank you so much for your participation!


SEO Superlatives Poll is Officially OPEN!

OK folks, here’s your chance to cast your votes! The voting closes after the first 250 responses (or until the committee gets bored!) so choose your winners now! The SEO Superlatives Polls are officially open!

EDIT- we hit 250 responses in about an hour, so it’s opened up to 1000 responses. There’s STILL TIME to cast YOUR votes!

Please note- this page requires Firefox. Other browsers are really gonna hose this page.

SEO Most Likely to Succeed
SEO Conference Clown
Best SEO Couple
Best Dressed SEO
SEO Party Animal
SEO’s Best Hairdo
SEO’s Biggest Flirt
Smartest SEO
Most Athletic SEO
Best SEO Blogger
Best Smile
Most Creative SEO
Best SEO Conference
Best SEO Conference Speaker
Best SEO You’ve Never Heard Of
Most Likely To Be Banned
Biggest SEO Nerd
Best SEO Nickname/Handle
Cutt’s Pet
Best Technical SEO
Top Linkbaiter
Best Up and Coming SEO
SEO Social Media Addict
Biggest Google Fanboy
Least Likely to Date Hooley
Biggest PageRank
Most Fiery SEO
SEO Most Likely to Become President
Most Likely To Get Kicked Out Of The Bar
Most Likely To Close The Bar
The SEO You’d Be Most Afraid To Bring Home to Mom
Most Feared in SEO
Mr / Ms Congeniality
Most Likely to Start an Argument
Most Likely to Win an Argument (even if they’re wrong!)
Best Tweeter
Noisiest SEO
Snarkiest SEO
Most Traveled SEO
SEO Hater Award
Best SEO Ranter
Most Networked SEO
Biggest SEO DoucheBag



The SEO Superlatives Committee Announced! (kinda)

The SEO Superlatives committee has been established, and we’re already hard at work. Much thanks to those who’ve put their time and effort into helping me with this so far. For those who want to nominate your choice for any of the categories, you know who to bug now!

And without further ado (sp?), here’s your committee!

Chris Hooley – Wannabe Class President – AKA Captain T.C.
Lisa Barone – Secretary of Pure Awesome, from Bruce Clay’s Search Engine Optimization Blog
Melanie Nathan – Can’t think of a title, but she works at this Edmonton Design Firm
Michael VanDeMar - Secretary of SMACKDOWN
David Temple – Gentleman and SEM Scholar
Taylor Pratt – Mustache Advocate from Gonzo SEO, who’s obsessed with this for some reason
Zak Nicola - Content Writer (bwaaahahahaa!)
David Harry – Staff Hat Salesman

D

Still awaiting confirmation from a couple other peeps. I’ll add them as they confirm. But for the most part, we’re set… to judge you… in public! LOVIN’ IT!


SEO Superlatives – Your Yearbook Committee is In Session!

Looking in my old yearbook, I found it fascinating who was chosen “Most likely to succeed”, “Best Couple”, or “Class Clown” (BTW- that was me in Jr. High) . Seems a lot of it was pretty much right on. The only thing I didn’t like about it is that on clique had editorial control on these lists. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to be the guy who makes the list.

Well, I just decided today that I AM gonna be that guy.

In the next few days, I’ll be developing the SEO Superlatives list. Yearbook style, with a male and female winner in each non-couple, non-group category.

I’ll open up nominations a day or so after all the categories are chosen. I need *your* help to generate the categories *you* would find the most interesting / entertaining / stupid, whatever. I think this will be pretty fun!

So far I have the following categories earmarked:

  • SEO Most Likely to Succeed
  • SEO Conference Clown
  • SEO Couple
  • SEO Party Animal
  • SEO Flirt
  • Smartest SEO
  • Most Athletic SEO
  • SEO Social Media Addict
  • Best SEO Blogger
  • Best Smile
  • Best SEO Conference

Newly added superlatives! (from awesome commenters)

  • Best SEO Conference Speaker
  • Best SEO You’ve Never Heard Of
  • Most Creative SEO
  • Most Likely To Be Banned
  • V1@gr.A Salesman Of The Year
  • Cutt’s Pet
  • Biggest Google Fanboy
  • Least likely to date Hooley (ha haha)
  • Best technical SEO
  • Top Linkbaiter
  • SEO with the biggest PageRank
  • Best Dressed SEO
  • Best SEO Hair
  • Biggest SEO Nerd
  • Best SEO Nickname/Handle
  • Most fiery SEO
  • SEO most likely to become president
  • Most Likely To Get Kicked Out Of The Bar
  • Most Likely To Close The Bar
  • The SEO You’d Be Most Afraid To Bring Home to Mom
  • Best Up and Coming SEO
  • Most Feared SEO
  • Mr / Ms Congeniality?
  • Most Likely to Start an Argument
  • Most Likely to Win an Argument (even if they’re wrong!)
  • Best Fence Sitter
  • Best Tweeter
  • Nosiest SEO
  • Snarkiest SEO
  • Most Traveled SEO
  • Best Ranter SEO
  • Most Networked SEO
  • Best SEO Hater
  • Most Sharing/Giving SEO

Please add any other superlatives you would like to see on this list in a comment below so I can get this thing rocking! Nominees will obviously get those clean links and stuff, and winners get a lil mo’

Hook it up, add your ideas below!


Best.Video.Ever. Internet Viral Video MashUp from Weezer!

I must admit, I’m a bit nostalgic about the says when the internet was a little underground. I got joke emails and actually WANTED to receive them. Only a select few in my circle saw all the same viral stuff I did. It felt kind of exclusive.

But on the other hand, it is amazing to see this same creativity at the forefront of pop culture. Watching the web grow into what it has become was something only my generation witnessed. We watched history being made daily, and we still are watching. The web is still in it’s infancy, but it’s already now as mainstream as it gets.

Insert Weezer. Their new video is a compilation of viral video stars, which has literally changed my opinion of them as a band. I never disliked them, but I was never a big Weezer guy. Now, from one stinkin’ video, they have converted me into a huge fan. Those of you who are as web geeeky as I am will absolutely love this video. And without further ado, and a few weeks behind the curve, I present to you my new favorite video of all time. Weezer’s Pork and Beans. Enjoy!


Micro-Blogging; Come Follow Me on Twitter!

If you’re like me (a completely A.D.D. web geek) your attention span is probably really shor..

So short I couldn’t even finish writing that sentence…

So let’s get to the point then.  Come follow me on Twitter.  Micro-blogging.  Fast.   Click here and win fabulous prizes!


Perfect SEO – Rick Astley + Your Logo Doing Karaoke!

While perusing some of the premium content over at SEOmoz for some new nuggets, I found the answer. The magic bullet. The ONE thing I need on my blog to harness the sheer link power of the internet.

And this was the result:

Rick Astley Doing Karaoke with NextStudent

Now, I just sit back and wait for the ranks to ROLL right in! Thanks Mozzers!!


St. Patrick’s Day – S.E.S. New York Style!

The only thing that could possibly be more Irish for the SEM community is moving the SES to Boston… check that, I guess you could have it in IRELAND, but I digress…

NEW YORK FUCKIN’ CITY! S.E.S. Pub Crawl! St. Patrick’s Day!! I don’t know what YOUR plans are, but if you’re a REAL web marketer, you’re probably a party animal like the rest of us. If you’re a REAL party animal, you probably like pubs and pub crawls. If you REALLY like pubs or pub crawls, you’re probably Irish (and even if you aren’t you still pretend you are on St. Patty’s Day).

Here’s the deal, there is a prefect intersection of BAD ASS happening this Monday, in New York Fuckin’ City. I don’t know what YOUR plans are yet but drop them cuz the real bad asses in our industry will be doing ONE THING ONLY. And that’s whoopin’ it up, drinking green beer and Guinness (or Irish Whiskey if you’re extremely bad ass), and talking about how awesome Chris Hooley is during the S.E.S. Pub Crawl!

More details to come, but be ready mofos!


7 Healthy Activities for Dads and Daughters

Being a single dad means wearing a lot of hats. Dad, mom, chef, doctor, teacher, coach, and sometimes when I am lucky, activity coordinator. Being in charge of the activities means I don’t have to play house, have a tea party, or pretend I am a Disney prince… all activities that I grin and bear with a smile, none of which I am particularly fond of (especially being the Prince, I keep telling her if she’s the Princess, I am the KING!)

After a while, I’ve started to figure out some ways to spend time with my kiddo while maintaining some semblance of manliness AND getting some exercise at the same time. It helps that she’s almost 5 now and is able to partake in more vigorous activities but I digress. Here are 7 great active ideas for Dad’s with little girls who like me, don’t have enough time to both play with the kiddo and get in their daily exercise!

1) Weight Lifting – Daddy Style

Daddy Style weightlifting means your weights are… your kid! It’s free, requires no travel, and it can be done right on your living room floor. My daughter loves to be bench pressed, curled, lifted, leg lifted, etc. We also take turns with sets. She tries bench pressing my arm or leg, and tests her strength. It’s a great way to teach your daughter how to exercise, and to motivate her to try harder or challenge herself. The only problem I’ve encountered in getting a real workout here is that she’s only 45 pounds. I can’t exactly mass build when benching a toddler.

2) Pretend Wrestling

This one is the easiest; and again this one’s free! Kids love to be “roughed up” as long as you aren’t actually rough at all. It’s also the perfect time to teach appropriate boundaries. We have tons of fun pretending we are boxers or professional wrestlers while we pretend to punch, block, kick, or grapple in ways that don’t hurt your “opponent”. I’ll often lift her up over my head pretending I tossed her out of the ring, while slowly lowering her to the ground and pretend shouting “nooooooo!” Gives me a little of that healthy muscle burn, and give her a laugh from being suspended in mid air.

3) Karaoke Dance Parties

This activity isn’t exactly free since it requires music… and for my reputation’s sake this can only be done if the blinds are closed. But this is one of my guilty pleasure and secretly one of my favorites.

I have a playlist on my iPod that has a ton of 80s music (with no swears of course!) sprinkled in with some Hannah Montana and a few No Doubt songs for good measure. We crank up the iPod dock and use one of her brushes as a microphone and we pretend to do concerts for her dolls, or we’ll even make up silly dance routines. I use this opportunity to dance like a maniac, bordering physical comedy. She laughs like a maniac, bordering asthma attacks.  However if the general population ever saw this, there would be a lot more crying than laughing… either from me, or those watching it.

4) Playing the Wii

This might be the manliest activity on my list. What guy doesn’t like video games? Especially ones their 4-5 year old daughter likes too! When we play Wii bowling, to increase the healthy factor, we pretend to run down the isle just like real bowling and we even jump when we release the ball. It doesn’t help my accuracy much, but at least we’re getting active and having some fun.

5) Going Out “Discovering”

The outdoors can be fantastical to a child-if they have the right guide. We’ll walk down the street and I’ll help her climb random objects pretending they are something from out of this world. Sometimes we’ll find a trail and climb hills, large rocks, or small mountains and pretend we’re discovering new lands.  Sometimes I’ll even let her load up her wagon with dolls and we went for a walk around the block pretending we were tour guides.

6) Target Jumping

This one is a real hit with the kids.  All you gotta do is set “targets” around the house or outside.  I often use my finger against a wall or a washable marker.  Set your targets at various heights just near the top of your daughter’s max jumping height.  Give her a route around the house, and she must touch or slap each target.  If the target is too high, lower it a bit.  Too low?  Add another higher one.  Use your watch like a stop watch and time her like it’s an obstacle course (I often make up times and keep yelling “GO GO GO! You’re Gonna Break the Record!”.  20 minutes of this and she’ll be napping in no time!

There are a bunch of variations in this game, where you can follow her around the “course” and hit your own targets, or if your daughter has friends over you can line them all up and use your finger against the wall and adjust for each of their jumping abilities.   If you’re tired, just lean against the wall and set various targets with your hand or finger.  If you wanna rev up, get outside and make it challenging for both of you.  You’d be surprised at how much fun your little one will have with this one.

7) Tasting Parties

A tasting party is when you choose a couple of new foods (we usually do exotic fruits) and see what they taste like.  I usually take my daughter to the grocery store so we can look at different fruits and vegetables to figure out which we would like to try that day.  Then we take them home, wash them together, and prepare them to be served (I usually handle anything that has to do with a knife!)  Then we set our plates, and take turns tasting things and explaining what they taste like.  This is a perfect way to refuel after some exhausting play time AND to replace junk food snacks with healthier alternatives.

8) BONUS ACTIVITY: Take a nap!

Because both you and your kid are probably worn out now!

If anybody else knows of any other healthy activities for Dads and Daughters, comment here and let me know what YOU do.  I’m always looking for new ways to bond with my kid and keep that Daddy Belly in check!  Plus, this could be a good resource for people who started like me, having NO IDEA how to raise a little girl.  Single dads (like me) especially could probably use a little guidance sometimes.



Ok So The Patriots Lost… At LEAST I was on TV!

I have so much to say about my experience but the pain is too strong to write it all right now. But like every dark cloud, even THE Biggest Disappointment in Sports History had a shining moment for me. I was on TV! Watch the clip and relish my huge fame and instant popularity!

Wow, that movie was terrific eh? Send all movie script roles to me via my contact page!


CHRIS HOOLEY HAS TICKETS TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!

Anybody need some? I can get them to you at the last minute. I live in AZ. There are very few of these bad boys left on the planet!

(I just magically turned into a ticket broker!!)

Superbowl Tickets


Chris Hooley is Going to the SUPERBOWL!!!

I can’t believe it… I’m having daily heart palpitations. I am going to be there when history is made. I am going to the biggest football game ever. Ever. This is the year Tom Brady and the Patriots make history!!

I’ll be in section 406 row 10. Watch for me on TV, I’m gonna do my best to hog the camera for at least one second to cement my immortality too. I’m high up, so the camera won’t likley be buzzing around where I sit, but my HELMET will insure that even if I am on for ONE GLIMPSE that I will be easy to spot.

Go Patriots! This is the biggest event I have ever headed to. I feel like I am going to explode!!


Tom Brady Secrets!

If you’re a fan of Tom Brady, or funny random blogging, go check out Tom Brady Secrets. HILARIOUS stuff!

FYI- Jeff Dempsey contributed a ton to this blog, which is probably why it is so funny!


Drinking Your Way to Popularity!

Alcohol and popularity. What’s the deal? How are these things related? The only way to find out is to join the ultimate facebook group, Drinking Your Way to Popularity!

All the cool kids are doing it.

The best thing about it? You’re safe inside the walled garden that is Facebook. Nobody has to know your little secret… which is that you are a total drunk and so are your friends.

“This group is for all kinds of people who use beer, wine, or liquor to make themselves larger than life. Recreational drinkers, frat boys, business people who liquor up their clients and vendors, party animals, this is your home away from your home away from home, which should be your local bar.

Post pics and videos of puking, embarrassing photos of your friends (or enemies!), or any other alcohol related awesomeness. “

Sounds like the place to be! And the best part? If I know you, and you are my friend, you are automatically appointed an officer with a really cool name which undoubtedly will follow you around for the rest of your life.

Here’s the current role call of officers!

Chris Hooley
Doctor Drinkbait
Anna Rule (Toronto, ON)
Doctor Drinkbait’s Nurse of Love (AKA my girlfriend)
Jon Heinl (Phoenix)
Beer Bong Enthousiast
Skorp
Brewski Conquistador
Sara Hause (no network)
Drunk Chick with a Great Rack
Nicola Young (Glasgow)
Mexican
Gretchen Erle (Atlanta, GA)
Classy, professional Atlanta SEO.
Michael Buonomo (San Diego, CA)
Pony Keg Operations Specialist
Carolyn Shelby (Chicago, IL)
Perverted Beer Matron
Ken Savage (Lowell, MA)
Big Poppa Masshole
Dan Rezmovits (SUNY New Paltz)
New York Nugget Tugger
Rhea Drysdale (Jacksonville, FL)
Beer Monkey
Barbara Boser (Los Angeles, CA)
Boser’s Beer Babe
Rebecca Kelley (Washington)
ReBEERcca Kelley
Jill Sampey (New York, NY)
Chill Jill
David Wallace
Search Drank
Scott Willoughby (Seattle, WA)
Dave Naylor’s Eveil Drunken Twin
Michael A. Gray (Nassau County, NY)
BeerWolf
Lucas Ng (Australia)
Crocodile Mud Wrestler
Viper Edge (Chicago, IL)
Snake Bite Maker
Eddie Machado (Fort Lauderdale, FL)
Edible Underwear Model
David Brown (Bellingham, WA)
Bone Crusher
Brian Alpert (Washington, DC)
Drum Circle Jerker
Brett Tabke (Austin, TX)
Pubmaster
Robert Garcia (Miami, FL)
Rum Runner
Kelvin Newman (Brighton and Hove)
Beer Jockey
Michael McDonald (Lexington, KY)
Rage Reporter
Pete Wailes (London)
Pianist (not to be confused with “Penist”)
Aussie Webmaster (New York, NY)
Foster’s Importer
Danielle Winfield (New York, NY)
Exotic Beer Maiden
Barry Schwartz (no network)
Cartoon Beery
Ekrum Ashgar (London)
Ex Raver, Current Rager
Greg Boser (Los Angeles, CA)
Dark Beer Elitist

So get off your butt and get down with the crew. Facebook is in the house, drinks are in the house, Doctor DrinkBait is IN THE HOUSE! Get moving people!


WHO WANTS TO DATE AN SEO IS BACK!!

Ladies, ladies, ladies (and gay dudes) I know you where disappointed that I found a hot babe and can no longer be auctioned off. BUT I have some great news… WIN A DATE WITH AN SEO IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!!!

The SEO who most resembles k-Fed:

has agreed to take my place and deliver an amazing night to the lucky winner. He’s single, he’s hot, he’s Rockyfied, his douche factor is even LOWER THAN MINE.

This is not a joke, Joe really agreed to do the contest. Really. I bet you were wishing it was Cameron or Guillaume.

And as an added bonus, I have decided to be the main camera man to capture the antics!

Oh man this is gonna be good!!! Comment with all your questions, concerns, ideas, and just to show JOE some love. Because who knows, you might just be the lucky guy girl who wins a date with this handsome SEO cowboy!


Birthday Linkfest 2007: WAY Overdue!

I remember back in the days when I was a blogger.  I used to write stuff.  People used to link here.  Chicks used to dig me.

Well I’m back with about 40 links that are way overdue (I’m not a liar, just BUSY).  For those of you who wished me a Happy Birthday on my 30th, here’s your love, right back atcha.  Sorry my much anticipated (and by much anticipated I mean not at all anticipated) overdue post is just a thank you, but at least I got off on my ass again and wrote SOMETHING eh?

Let the love flow baby.

Snoop Blog, my main SEO pimp mofo, as usual first to respond.  Thanks for the multiple beer bongs (he actually built them), guitar hero, and the mofuggin LUNCH BOXES!

Ump, proud to have you on board, now get your blog up already.

Jeff Dempsey, Jeff Dempsey, your blogs pwn all others.

Carolyn, next time you and Dave are gonna hit Vegas for reals with the Hool and the Rule!

PPC Guy, even if we’re #2 you’re still tops in my book

Markus, one day we will launch 12inchblackrubberdildobait.com and we’ll make literally hundreds

Jihan, it aint a party till your KrazyKorean ass shows up, thanks for being part of pretty much every birthday party I’ve had since I landed in AZ and for pitching in on at least 6 of my worst 7 presents ever.  The neoprene shorts are still getting a lot of mileage

Chris, you’ve been a bad ass since the Devry days.

Joe, shame your daughter’s poops prevented you from making it to the jam.  You were literally a quarter mile away

Jess, you money maker mover and shaker, keep pimpin it

Rhona, I miss you.  But that doesn’t stop me from eating horses

Tamar, maybe you can digg this?  Just kidding it’s a boring post :-p

Dan, I don’t know which site you are pimpin these days but I’ll be sure to visit you in SD if you don’t mind the fact I aint single no more and can hardly even wingman properly now

Aaron, your blog rocks… I have no idea how I ended up on your superstar list but I sure do appreciate it!

Joachim, nice quote.  Keep pimpin wiki bad ass style mang

Cameron, your Burt Reynolds style inspired a mustache contest at my office.  Bravo sir

Nathania, we’re old.  But at least YOU’RE still nice!

CHRIS!  SES San Jose we’re gettin beers.  And drinkin them.  Congrats on being your own boss!

Dan, “YO” will never be old.  nice adsense.

Prat, not sure we met but you did in fact wish my a happy birthday which did in fact earn you a link.  Enjoy!

David Wallace, my original SEO sensei!  Dude, those beers where AMAZING!  Piraat Ale and Nefarious Ten Pin were TOP NOTCH!  Thanks for making it to the b-day party and tell your beautiful wide I said hello!

Jason Murphy Man was I glad to finally roll witcha!  Looking forward to the next time

Chris, my pubcon buddy circa 2006, we got mo’ in sto’ for 07!

Pete Wailes, you  sir are a bad ass mofo, looking forward to your new site!

Andrea, I miss the shizzle out of you!  Conferences don’t happen often enough, I might have to rig a once partially awesome contest idea to get your ass out here to PHX!

Jon, much respect to you even if you ARE a yanks fan.  At least YOU don’t suck.

Joe Whyte, you are a legend in my office.  My life will never be the same now that I have the lunch box

Rach, you deserve all the happiness our family affords you.  I aspire to be as good a parent as you and Jeff are to my amazing nephews.

Rae the only thing hotter than your tought round buttocks is your skill in the marketplace.  Amazing

SEO Fan Girl, one day I may bless the pages of your blog.  On that day I will know it is ok to follow the light, for I will have achieved one of my main life goals.

Josh, we been down for years in the Arizona SEO shit.   Keep up the good work homez

Brendon, I don’t know you but you pimped the system, which I respect fully

Savage!  Glad to hear there’s some web money flowing into the Merrimac Valley brah!

Brook, it’s hard to link out to that one cuz you guys are right there in my vertical, but a deal’s a deal.  Now get my favorite site a few links from some of yours and we’ll all be happy ;-)

Johnny, you worked that system baby.  Send me a fish tank :-p

Lucas, worked it too

David, happy to see you’re jumping in to make some loot online!  Keep pimpin homie you’re gonna be big time!

And that’s it.  Maybe my next blog post will be part 2 of my Hooley Party Train?


THE RASCAL VIDEO IS OUT! RIDING DIRTY IN LAS VEGAS!!!

I can’t believe how DOPE this video is. Snoop Blawg, Skorp, Jihan, me and a bunch of buddies rented rascals for superbowl weekend in Vegas and pimped thos thangs like true macks! It took Snoop a long ass time to edit the video, but it’s here. Checka check it out and LOVE it!

CHECK OUT THE ORIGINAL POST: Riding Dirty!

Pimp out that YouTube and get some viral action going! Ridin’ Dirty Video!

Skorp’s blog post about RYDIN’ DIRTY!

Link to Snoop’s post and get that thing out therrrrr!!! <a href=”http://www.snoopbloggyblog.com/?p=7″>Riding Dirty Video</a>

w0rd!!


Chris Hooley’s Coming Home to Boston Beyatches!

Chris is coming home baby! This is my first trip back to Beantown since I stayed at Uncle Mark’s and Auntie Marie’s about 5-6 years ago. I have since gained 30 pounds (it’s all muscle lol), had a kid, bought 2 houses, and developed a taste for fiber rich foods and shuffleboard.

My taste for beer however, remains unchanged. And I want to drink one with YOU!

I’m getting in on Saturday night, staying at some swanky hotel (the one that sarah jessica parker got kicked out of the pool on sex in the city) and going to the sox game on Sunday. Sat night and especially Sunday night I’ll be looking for something fun to do, so if you’ll be in or around the city let me know. We’ll get some brewskis and maybe go bah hoppin or somethin.

HIT ME UP if you wanna meet up downtown and / or go get a beer. My cell is 623-680-9173 and I should have it on at all times. CALL ME, we’ll talk. Maybe we can take a trip down to Tewksbury and hang out at the Oakdale Mall with our skateboards and beg strangers for money to get some Papa Ginos too. err, maybe not that. OK then. SEE YOU IN BEANTOWN! (hopefully)

On a side note… I owe you guys a few posts. One for links for those birthday wishes, and part 2 of my Hooley Party Train post. Just so you know, I got this new GF who is taking up a lot of my blogging time so feel free to blame her for all bad things in your life that involve me. She’s just so darn cute I can’t bring myself to sit in front of my computer when I’m not working-

Tell ya what, if Boston is boring, you’ll see a bunch of posts coming from this el blogo and everybody will be more happy than ever… except my GF who will probably be getting hatemail for being hawt.

w0rd!


Jeff Dempsey – I Own You.

best. prank. ever. 

Jeff Dempsey, my technical specialist at NextStudent,  decided to create a website dedicated to yours truly and then get a bunch links pointed to it.  He even recruited a bunch of my blog buddies to switch their links from my site to his. 

He beat me in the SERPs in literally like 4 days. 

Not only did he kick my ass, he also dropped mysite to #4 and 5 on Google for the phrase Chris Hooley.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Seriously kick ass prank… But he forgot one thing, I own him.

Since I am his boss, and I do in fact own the rights to his soul, I decided his newfound SEO skills should be put to better use. (obviously he’s bored at work if he has that kind of time anyways) So here’s his new task.

I created a blog dedicated to how Chris Hooley owns Jeff Dempsey.  He is required to write at least one blog post per day about the subject and acquire links as fast as he can until he owns both terms, Chris Hooley and Jeff Dempsey.  This is not a challenge, but a job requirement

I will maintain all editorial control.  Jeff is not allowed to NOT post, and cannot brag about himself.  Only me.  He will then outline his adventures in link building and content production and present his newfound knowledge of SEO to the team one he owns the SERPs.

Man, I can’t WAIT to read his daily posts about how I own his soul!

Ya know, sometimes I sit back and think… it sure is good to be a passive aggressive asshole boss!

Happy blogging Jeffyboy!


The Hooley Party Train Temporarily DERAILED!

Being the guy in SEO known for drinks is more work than it sounds. Turning 30 and having a frikkin rager right after the fact doesn’t make it easier. Throw in a few days with raging Canadien women on an Arizona vacation who wanna drink like animals and you start to get the picture.

My liver hurts. Drinking has become a serious chore, and probably had something to do with me catching this cold that is kicking my butt right now.

That aside, I have had such a blast in the past few weeks. The recap is far overdue. For all you peeps in business or SEO who want to live life vicariously through another dude’s adventures, fasten your seat belt. Here’s the Hooley Party Train Recap!

Condensed Version:

  • Before I went to New York, I drank too much and had a blast
  • I went to New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I came back from New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I had a rager for my 30th B-Day, drank too much and had a blast
  • I raged with 8 Canadian women by the pool, drank too much and had a blast
  • I woke up with a shitty cold, derailed the Hooley Party Train and started writing this blog

Full Version:

April 7, 2007 – the RAGE begins

Took the team out to the YardHouse in Phoenix to reward them for being so damn good. Had a few delicious micro brews and some greasy food and headed to Snoop Blawg‘s with Mind Party and Dumpsey to get my ass kicked in Wii Bowling. Proceeded to the Sand Bar to meet up with some friends and a lady, but was completely derailed when I met the most awesome chick on the planet. Blew off friends and said lady (I’m an ass) and laughed ass off with awesome chick for the entire night.

April 8, 2007 – Classy Move: Bought a Hooker Champaign on First Date with Awesome Chick

After hanging out with awesome chick, I decided I wanted to do it again and again (get your mind out of the gutter BTW- she’s a classy awesome chick and would not let me be sleazy even if I tried) so I convinced her to let me take her on a date to Sapporo‘s. We were having fun at the tepan yaki table when we noticed a sad looking girl sitting near us. She told us her friends blew her off and it was her birthday. Awesome chick and I decided to bring her into our circle of awesomeness. I decided to get a bottle of champaign to cheer the new girl up (class move right?). Then new girl says she used to be a stripper, but now she is in massage therapy, and handed me a business card with half naked people and asked me what I wanted for the champaign.

Awesome chick didn’t realize this hooker was basically trying to give me a BJ. I politely declined and proceeded to teach awesome chick about some hooker warning signs, at which point she pointed out that I actually bought a hooker champaign on our first date. Well when you put it like THAT! Man, I’m about as smooth as sandpaper!

Anyways, me and awesome chick spent the rest of the night laughing at each other and talking about kismet, and just being silly. The next day, I picked up Snoop Blawg, and we headed to New York Fuckin City for SES NY 2007.

April 9, 2007 – NEW YORK FUCKIN CITY HERE WE COME!

Hung over. Tired. Long Flight. Mandatory meet and greet drinks with SEOs and vendors. I spent the whole flight thinking of how much more awesome New York City would be with awesome chick to laugh at / with. So, I got into the hotel, called awesome chick, and booked her some tix. I’m flying her out like a pimp!

Headed over to the first SEO party and met with with Neil, Cameron, Anheel, the dudes from Pepperjam, Savage, Loren (who could barely stand lol), Markus, Todd, the BOTW boys, and probably the dopest find of the night, Nic and Cher. They ended up joining our party train for the whole week, which increased our rage by a factor of 6!

Highlights:

  • Almost beefing with short dude from Pepperjam for being a dick and trying to mess with Cameron. For the record: Cam was completely cool with everything and everybody. Gotta back my homeboy! Also for the record, Kris and the whole team was / is awesome, I guess it was some new sales guy (same guy who called me a dick lol, I was like WTF?)
  • Getting asked if I was the real Chris Hooley (lol, being a C List corporate celeb is great for my insanely huge ego)
  • Drinking beer out of straws and driving Markus insane

We headed up to OldCastle to see what’s crackin at the Irish bars, and who do we see? A rockstar line up of awesomeness. I finally got to meet the Femozzers, who are a billion times hotter in person. (You guys wish you had hot pics like this to post above your little beds) Pimpin the bar was Boser, Todd, Cshel, Scott (who looks like a prettier Dave Naylor) and others. I bought them probably 16 shots of Jameson and pretty much fucked up everybody’s night (score!). I think Elisabeth and Guillaume where there too, I can’t quite remember, but it was good times. We called it a night at prolly 4AM and headed back to da hotel to get ready for the conferences (which started in a mere few hours)

April 10, 2007 – Classy Google Party – United Negro Pizza Fund Rap – Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Michael Jackson’s Thriller Video Auditions

Ok day starts off-there were hangovers, conferences, and learning. Now back to the party train

After the conferences, we meet up with Andrea Schoemaker (who MAKES THE MOFUGGIN PARTY LIVE) Scotland, and Canada at the hotel bar. I’m pretty sure that’s when I finally saw Rae, and I’m pretty sure I made her and about 6 others including Dax, EO, etc. drink the hugest shot of Goldschlager ever. I did not puke, but I wanted to.

Then, the Google Party, which was the birth place of the PANK DRANKS! Me and Snoop Blawg tried our hardest only to drink beverages with umbrellas for the entire trip, but NYC had a shortage so we decided to only drink PANK DRANKS (pink drinks) or at least drink our beer through straws. Don’t ask why, just go with it.

UNITED NEGRO PIZZA FUND!

After that, we decided to walk down the street for some reason. This ended up being a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. Wow. Some dope ass bum runs up to us and asks “Hey would you guys like to donate to the UNITED NEGRO PIZZA FUND?”. I was like “HELL YEAH” and handed him the smallest bill I had in my wallet, which was actually a 20 cuz I blew my small bills on tips. Needless to say the guy was stoked and he tried to audition for me right on the spot, thinking I must have been a baller / rapper / producer. We got the second half of his flow on video, which can be seen on Andrea’s video montage of New York Fuckin City. They guy busted out a bunch of dope rhymes about YOURS TRULY. DOPE!!!

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE

In the same walk down the street, we stumbled into the AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE MOVIE DEBUT AFTER PARTY! Sitting right there was Master Shake himself, who also makes an appearance in Andrea’s video. He gave us free soundtrack CDs and signed cards for us. Mine said “Chris, your friend Jeff completely is homo” because he heard me talking about how jealous Jeff would be. HILARIOUS! Man, that is one cool ass dude, and that was an UN FRIKKIN BELIEVABLE experience. BAWLAH!

Back to da CASTLE!

Ok this is where it gets messy. Oldcastle is our jam, so we headed back. Every frikkin SEO who’s blog I read was there. Shoemoney is out front with his gang smoking stogies, and inside is a clusterfuck of bad asses. We got messy drunk. At one point Dave Naylor tried to get tough with me, thinking he can grab my hat. I guess we got chin to chin barking at each other, but there was no contact. I grabbed my hat back and stood my ground, occasionally watching him out of the corner of my eye. I’m not good with public embarrassment.

I don’t remember all of it, but I know this much. We were raging so hard that by the end of the night we apparently looked like we were auditioning for Thriller walking down the streets of New York. Snoop was dragging his head against the wall to keep himself up, I was doing the gorilla in the middle of the street, and Nicola looked like a zombie because SHE GOT DRANK UNDER THE TABLE BY YOURS TRULY!

Oh yeah and at some point me and Snoop thought it was appropriate to dance to “Dancing Queen

April 11, 2007 – Classy Frikkin Party, THE LUNCH BOX, Strippers, and EVEN MORE Rage!

Ok this is getting repetitive. By now, I honestly did not want another drink. My body is mad at me, but I got business to take care of and a reputation to uphold. Until now, I have never drank more than 3 days in a row, but this conference is my chance to tighten bonds with pimps in my industry and pick drunken brains when their guard is down- so I keep going.

Oh wait, there were conferences and learning blah blah – ON TO THE PARTY TRAIN!

Andrea is waiting downstairs at the Webmaster Radio Free Drink Session, so me n’ Snoop head back down to the bar to say hello. She’s there with the now infamous JOE FRIKKIN WHYTE who was immediately absorbed into our party train. We drank again, but this time my body was pissed at me. Oh and BTW, I saw the ultimate hawtness herself IN THE FLESH!  Lisa Barone, I love you baby please come home daddy misses you.  (that’s what I sound like when I’m talking to my the Lisa shrine dol made out of human hair)

Chilling at Industry Brains‘ pimped out open bar party was cool, hanging with Joe Morin, finally meeting David Temple, drinking even more pink drinks, meeting come cool dudes from Cha Cha, but I had to go back and take a frikkin nap. No joke, I was turning into a baby pants. I actually went back to da hotel and snoozed for a bit.

After that, we headed to Times Square for some bar hopping, but didn’t get far after being introduced to the LUNCH BOX!!! Joe Whyte, it doesn’t matter if you tried to literally humped my butt in public, you made up for it with this one. This is my new favorite shot and was an instant classic with my friends. Before we went out, we absorbed our buddies from cha cha and webmaster radio, some of whom really wanted to go to the strip club. We did, it sucked, nuff said. Moving on…

Back to OldCastle!! (ugh, this is starting to hurt)

What can I say? More of the same. More pain, more liquor, more pics, but this time… more PEOPLE. The whole SEO scene was there. We drank again. But this time at least I finally hooked up with Michael Gray for a long overdue drink! Too bad my liver was punching itself in it’s liver at the time. It was also good to see the SEO Loser again and finally get a pic of the DrinkBait SEOLoser combo from PubCon in Vegas.

Highlights: I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I both arm wrestled and leg wrestled Scotland into submission.

April 12, 2007 – Romance, Rickshaws, Iron Chef Karaoke, and more shit.

Woke up, conferences learning blah blah blah – BACK TO THE TRAIN ALREADY!

Today, awesome chick comes to NY! I feel giddy. Not sure if it is from liver poisoning or because I was excited to see awesome chick again, but nonetheless. My stomach was feeling funny. The day flew by, and finally awesome chick shows up in New York!

Our party crew absorbed another newcomer, Brian Alpert, and headed down to Times Square to show awesome chick the lights. Me and awesome chick immediately jumped into a rickshaw for a cheesy bike ride around the square. It was mushy and cute and we have a few awesome pics on her camera that she didn’t upload yet. From there we headed to The Spotlight, which was just opening. Amazing karaoke joint with crazy interactive systems that allow table to table web cam and 2.0 type communications. The food there is all made my “iron chef” cooks (here’s awesome chick with iron chef dude).

I was sick from the days of partying and not able to drink that well, but my excitement to be hanging out with awesome chick energized me a bit.

Then guess where… Back to frikkin Oldcastle

Ok, ok repetitive. Drinks, party, SEOs, pics, whoooo. You get the picture. Everybody loved awesome chick including 3 random dudes trying to flirt with her outside… then dude shouted out “Oh shit here’s her boyfriend” when I walked up. Had he not said that, the situation would have been way more normal. Like I care if she’s joking around with a bunch of dudes… I would have walked up and been 100% cool, but I guess awesome chick saw the fire in my eyes when that dude tried make it seem like something bad was going on. She grabbed me and pulled me back into the bar to chill me out.

Now I’m trying to be cool, and trying to figure out who those guys were. I was not even raging, just a lot of things happened all at once. Me and awesome chick sit down and to chill but my emotions are making my face red. Plus, we’re both a little tipsey so we decide to go back to the hotel.

On the way in, who do I see? Dave Naylor and that dude who was just trying to get a rise out of me. I’m trying to take care of awesome chick, and the dudes call me out. I’m like “Who the fuck are you” to that dude and he made a rude comment. Naylor tried to incite the situation, and for the first time in a long time I used my better judgment and focused on awesome chick instead of throwing down with those dudes. But I still wanna find out who that fucking guy was.

So I explained to awesome chick about who is who and how to operate in the conference bar scene, and we agreed it aint the best idea to feed the trolls. She was cool, no harm no foul. End drama, the rest is all fun again.

April 13, 2007 – Tour of the City, Inside Jokes, Romantic Trip to Staten Island, and More of the Same

Next morning me awesome chick decide to head out for a street vendor bagel. We ended up buying a bus tour and went out in the freezing cold to see New York. It was fun touristy crap. We saw all the main attractions of Manhattan. Macy’s, Empire State Building, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, etc etc, TONS to see. Lots of inside jokes here, most of which awesome chick will censor me for… all I can say is it was awesome!

While in transit to see the Statue of Liberty, we noticed something strange. Lots of bad ass thugs and possible Wu-Tang Clan members apparently enjoy the monument. We thought nothing of it and continued to be stupid, and boarded the ferry. Once we got in, I thought for a second, maybe this isn’t the right ferry? I mentioned it to awesome chick and immediately some bag lady next to us ominously says “Get owff!”

We ran to the back of the ferry, but the second we walked up it started to leave the doc. Turns out we were headed to Staten Island. Awesome! Maybe we could meet the Gza or Inspectah Deck!

Later that night, we met with some old friends. No more SEO stuff, no more conference stuff, just friends. We went bar hopping in the city trying out as many places as possible before retiring back at…

you guessed it, Oldcastle.

They almost kicked me out for not drinking and dozing off (I just couldn’t drink any longer, it was just too much). At least awesome chick was nice and patient with me. I was kinda grumpy from the lack of sleep and overboard consumption of alcohol and crappy food over the past few days.

Not much else happened after that, we all woke up WAAAY too early and headed to the airport.

A few days pass, all is normal. Work, eat, sleep, play with kid, etc. Until… my 30th birthday!

Stay Tuned for Part 2 of my Crazy Party Train Post!


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