Imagine a marriage between cShel and Daver. High atop the Sears Tower, the place is packed with friends, family, and SEO Superstars. They are broadcasting live on uStream and hundreds of people are watching online. Lisa Barone is live blogging the event, with SugarRae smacking her in the back of the head for not using the <more> tag.
Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates. Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing. Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.
All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers. Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action. Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”
Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.
This Could Happen, Really.
I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus. For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors. Because I’m now an ordained priest.
I’m a Dudeist Priest.
If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations. I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.
If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here. So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!
February 26th, 2009 on 9:15 am
Wow – just wow. You have some mad Photoshopping skillz there kid. Im not sure which one scares me more, the photo of me, the story or the fact that you are an ordained priest. LOL
February 26th, 2009 on 12:54 pm
I’m fighting the temptation to set up a competing service. I may not be dudeist, but I am ordained by the Universal Life Church. ;-)
February 27th, 2009 on 1:14 am
Thank god you got your ordination!
I was all worried we were going to have to go with the Rent-A-Rev (since we can’t get married in the Church — that whole spontaneous combustion thing wrecks havoc on silk satin).
I’m just going to bop over to TheKnot and check off “Book Officiant” from the to-do’s!
March 2nd, 2009 on 10:59 pm
You maniac, i want you to marry me, well not marry me, but marry me and some chick i wanna get married to at some point. I need you to become a certified rabbi too though cause i’m a jew and my mom wouldn’t like a priest doing the deed.
March 4th, 2009 on 5:09 pm
This post makes me want to legally change my name to my Twitter username. I mean, who wouldn’t want to marry “BigBags?”
(Aside from Chris Hooley.)
April 12th, 2009 on 1:09 am
That was a totally fun article :)) Loved the part where Final Countdown is played instead of her comes the bride. awesome stuff. And good job with the pics too.
May 5th, 2009 on 9:13 pm
Hi Chris,
Thanks for the most entertaining blog I’ve seen in awhile.
Geoff
May 18th, 2009 on 8:27 pm
Yeah, cShel and Daver are anchor-texted since. And they live a seo life happily ever after. :-)
May 27th, 2009 on 12:19 pm
the pictures are too funny, you have the talent! and regarding the marriage, it is a match made in heaven
July 17th, 2009 on 9:13 am
Haha great edited pictures! That must have been one hell of an SEO marriage, let us know if there’s one planned any time soon :)
August 7th, 2009 on 10:47 pm
That’s so funny. I laughed so much for the last image. Super cool. Awesome stuff. Thanks.
January 16th, 2010 on 6:18 pm
Man, you have a wicked imagination.
April 23rd, 2010 on 12:21 pm
Those first couple of pictures are a bit creepy.
April 1st, 2011 on 1:20 pm
You have some talent….great photo shop skills.
I love “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”
hahaha what a fun blog.
May 31st, 2011 on 9:29 am
your blog rocks, i especially like the upside down bong bride.
January 7th, 2012 on 6:33 pm
Hahah, epic kegstand by the bride.
January 12th, 2012 on 8:53 pm
Thanks for the laughs. Love the picture of the bride at the “bar”
April 23rd, 2012 on 3:57 pm
Not even checking the iPhone for Twitter updates? Now that’s some serious focus :-)
I have no idea how I could not know about Dudeism.com but you’ve fixed that lapse for me. Thanks for pointing it out, I’m off to become ordained myself…