Imagine a marriage between cShel and Daver. High atop the Sears Tower, the place is packed with friends, family, and SEO Superstars. They are broadcasting live on uStream and hundreds of people are watching online. Lisa Barone is live blogging the event, with SugarRae smacking her in the back of the head for not using the <more> tag.
Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates. Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing. Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.
All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers. Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action. Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”
Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.
This Could Happen, Really.
I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus. For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors. Because I’m now an ordained priest.
I’m a Dudeist Priest.
If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations. I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.
If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here. So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!