For the past 2 years, I haven’t had a single sip of beer.  Sounds nutts right?  I mean, I was the beer bong guy.  I’m DrinkBait, Biatch!  What the hell am I doing not drinking beer?

Well it turns out I am allergic to a couple foods and intolerant to many more.  I took the Alcat Allergy Test and it really made sense why my favorite meal, pizza and beer, made me feel sick as a dog for days afterwards.  Turns out, I am severely allergic to casein, the main protein found in dairy.   And I am also severely  intolerant to gluten, bell peppers, brewer’s yeast, hops, and barley.  So basically the only thing in pizza and beer that I wasn’t allergic to was the tomato sauce.  Unless that had peppers in it which happens half the time.

This was both welcome news, and a punch in the gut.  I had spent years in my adult life knowing something was wrong.  I was always tired, frequently anxious and / or cranky.  My mind was foggy.  I always carried weight around my waist and felt bloated.  My guts just never felt right. I was happy to finally know where this feeling was coming from.  It was jsut sad that is was caused by the very things I loved most.

I was a beer drinker’s beer drinker.  LOVED me some Bass Ale.  Loved me almost every kind of beer that existed.  I was both a beer snob and a coors lite drinker at the same time.  I loved it all.  My favorite food has always been pizza.  Fancy, deep crust, thin crust, extra cheese, various toppings… pizza was like sex.   Even bad sex is better than no sex.  Same with pizza.

So, I had to quit.  I adopted a diet that made it virtually impossible to eat out.  No flour, no wheat or bread, and no dairy.  No butter.   I couldn’t eat really anything on any menu because of how common these two things are.   To this day if I go out to eat, I have to eat at home first.  I can’t go to somebody’s house and have a home cooked meal because it’s so hard to avoid these two ingredients that they have no idea they are poisoning me and just by trying to give me something delicious, they are partially responsible for me feeling like crap for  the next few weeks.

When I first adopted this diet, my body started to transform.  My muscles got bigger, and my waist got smaller.  I started looking great!  But unfortunately this was short lived… The longer I stayed on this diet, the more things I found that were bad for me that I *could* eat.  I have never had a big sweet tooth, but since my food choices were so limited, and sugar wasn’t something I was allergic to, I started to eat candy.  More candy than ever.   I would smash a 3 pound bag of hot tamales in a day easy, and still eat a big dinner.

I started killing myself in a new way.  And my body started morphing back into the same shape I was in initially.  And with the sugar came new problems.  After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or thirsty.  I was just always hungry.  I had such strong problems with hydration my muscles would cramp up every single day.  My blood was so thick, my vision was kind of blurry and my arms and legs would go to sleep multiple times a day.  And I was getting acne like a teenager.  My back, shoulders, and face looked like a greasy teenager despite taking 1-3 showers a day.

So I decided, it’s time for a change.  I need to clean myself out.  There’s no way I am going vegetarian, I just don’t believe in that.  Humans did not evolve eating only veggies and fruits.  Since the caveman days we have been eating animals, veggies, and fruit.  We have evolved to eat this way.  We did not evolve looking at a stalk of wheat, thinking “mmm delicious!”, in fact, the thought of eating hay like that should invoke a primal reaction of grossness.  I’m not going Atkins because any diet that says no vegetables is clearly not healthy.  I decided I was gonna eat the way humans evolved to eat.  I was gonna eat like a caveman.  Veggies, fruit, and meat.

I’m going Primal.  Straight Paleo Caveman Diet BIATCH!Paleo for Dummies

It’s been 3 days since I started my paleo diet, and I can say I already feel different.  My head isn’t as foggy, now I can tell when I’m thirsty, and my acne is starting to clear up already.  And I’ve lost 5 pounds too (surely water wight but it’s a great way to kick off a new diet.)

It hasn’t been easy, since I am so used to grabbing a spoonful of peanut butter whenever I feel like snacking.  but admittedly it’s probably easier for me than the average Joe since I am used to having a restricted diet.  But I am so used to having candy around the house, and easy options.  Now instead, I have a kitchen full of fruits and veggies.  And when I get my typical late night boredom cravings, I walk into the kitchen and I am  forced to choose between all healthy options.  In days, my late night snacking has already been curbed because there’s no comfort snacks that contain sugar just sitting there for me.  In fact, I walk into the kitchen bored and walk out with a glass of water now.

I will post before and after pics when I finish a month of living primal.  Hopefully my caveman diet gets me caveman ripped.  I mean seriously, ever heard of a fat caveman?