Tag: Noise

Best.Video.Ever. Internet Viral Video MashUp from Weezer!

I must admit, I’m a bit nostalgic about the says when the internet was a little underground. I got joke emails and actually WANTED to receive them. Only a select few in my circle saw all the same viral stuff I did. It felt kind of exclusive.

But on the other hand, it is amazing to see this same creativity at the forefront of pop culture. Watching the web grow into what it has become was something only my generation witnessed. We watched history being made daily, and we still are watching. The web is still in it’s infancy, but it’s already now as mainstream as it gets.

Insert Weezer. Their new video is a compilation of viral video stars, which has literally changed my opinion of them as a band. I never disliked them, but I was never a big Weezer guy. Now, from one stinkin’ video, they have converted me into a huge fan. Those of you who are as web geeeky as I am will absolutely love this video. And without further ado, and a few weeks behind the curve, I present to you my new favorite video of all time. Weezer’s Pork and Beans. Enjoy!

I Wish I Was Good Looking… And Relevant

Wow, my fragile male ego took a double hit. A contest for the best looking SEO dude is the reason for my newfound insecurity. Either I got hit pretty hard with the Ugly Stick, or people forgot about me. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling ugly, or feeling like a nobody.

Oh well, at least my beautiful girlfriend still thinks I am the best looking man in SEO!

best looking dude is SEO with his beautiful lady!

Plurk is Twitter on METH *

* Phrase stolen from Snoop Bloggy Blog‘s Plurk Page.

Ok, I know I was just posting some BS about Twitter, and how you all need to follow me there.  But today the flavor of the day is PLURK.   It’s another micro-blogging social media platform, like Twitter and Pownce.  But this one is SIIICK.  So far no slow down (we’ll see how long that lasts) and the features are cool.  Super crazy ajaxy coolness.

Everybody, I changed my mind.  Follow me on PLURK instead.   Or at least until I change my mind again.  Or at least try it out for a bit to see if you like it, since there’s too much to explain about it and my attention span is shortening by the sec…

Micro-Blogging; Come Follow Me on Twitter!

If you’re like me (a completely A.D.D. web geek) your attention span is probably really shor..

So short I couldn’t even finish writing that sentence…

So let’s get to the point then.  Come follow me on Twitter.  Micro-blogging.  Fast.   Click here and win fabulous prizes!

Enough with the SEO Fundamentalism!

According to my last check on Wikipedia, fundamentalism is a “deep and totalistic commitment” to a belief… usually of religious or moral nature. But what I have seen in the SEO community far too often is a “holier than thou” thumping of the general SEO population, that is by nature, narrow.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have morals. I stick to my personal set of ethics, both in my personal and professional life. They might not be the same as your values, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong.

Last week I stumbled (social) on a very entertaining story (bait). So entertaining in fact, I thought I would share it with some friends (viral) not realizing it was written by an well known SEO (bad ass). The story was about a 13 year old who stole a credit card to play halo with hookers. Who doesn’t want to read about that? It’s HILARIOUS! So hilarious in fact, it ended up getting mainstream media coverage from the likes of Fox News and such.

The story did not claim it was actual news, or even true for that matter. It was an entertaining anecdote, and people ate it up. Except for a whole bunch of SEOs who reacted harshly to it. Reading the sphinn comments on the story really started to test my patience. It felt like I was hanging out with my neighbors who always try to save me and take me to their church… which I am not a fan of BTW if you are reading this Eric.

Sentiments like “Social Media is ruined forever” and “SEO sunk to a new low” are preachy, at best. Jill Whalen, you and me go way back from my days at HighRankings, and the last thing I want is for you to feel offended here… but I don’t want to go to the SEO Church of Link Morality or subscribe to somebody else’s code of ethics. Establish your own, that’s fine and respectable. Just don’t thump us with them. We can all decide own how we choose to operate.

There is no black and white. Everything is shades of gray. We all must way the risks and rewards for our own actions, and think laterally. Sure, there are times I do wish others would up their own set of personal or professional ethics, but I’m not going to be the one preaching it to them. I’ll do what I do, you do what you do. Just don’t tell me what to do and we’ll be cool. Cool?

Relevence is KEY, Even Off-Page!

You know the importance of themes, relevant content, and relevant website links. But do you understand the value of staying relevant offline, or even what that means?

Ask yourself this question: Are YOU really relevant?

Does your website properly reflect who YOU are, who your company IS? If the answer is no, you might be trying to rank for the wrong phrase. You might not be transparent. You might be faking it, and it’s only a matter of time before everybody, including Google, figures that out.

Google knows who I am. Lately, I haven’t been the crazy guy at conferences that many of you have come to know me as, because now I am a corporate SEO. I was relevant to conference junkie SEO types, with loud stunts and what not. Now I don’t even make the list, where less than a year ago I was a shoe in.

Why do YOU think that is? Is it because I don’t blog like I used to? Is it because I am no longer whoring all the blogs and forums? Is it because I am underground, or maybe even the exact opposite of that? Sold out?

The answer is simple. Lately my focus has been on my business, my corporate SEO gig, and my family. This is where I am relevant now. I rank for phrases that ARE relevant for me, and for my business. I’m not going to rank for SEO Blogger, SEO Blog, Captain Thundercock (yet) because I am currently more focused, thus relevant, in different areas.

The new key is transparency. 5 years ago links could be programmed or harvested rather easily, today you have to be who and what you are talking about. It’s easier that way anyways.

Don’t chase a false dream. You don’t wanna be that guy. Be the guy who IS what you SAY you are, even off-page, and the rest will be easier.

St. Patrick’s Day – S.E.S. New York Style!

The only thing that could possibly be more Irish for the SEM community is moving the SES to Boston… check that, I guess you could have it in IRELAND, but I digress…

NEW YORK FUCKIN’ CITY! S.E.S. Pub Crawl! St. Patrick’s Day!! I don’t know what YOUR plans are, but if you’re a REAL web marketer, you’re probably a party animal like the rest of us. If you’re a REAL party animal, you probably like pubs and pub crawls. If you REALLY like pubs or pub crawls, you’re probably Irish (and even if you aren’t you still pretend you are on St. Patty’s Day).

Here’s the deal, there is a prefect intersection of BAD ASS happening this Monday, in New York Fuckin’ City. I don’t know what YOUR plans are yet but drop them cuz the real bad asses in our industry will be doing ONE THING ONLY. And that’s whoopin’ it up, drinking green beer and Guinness (or Irish Whiskey if you’re extremely bad ass), and talking about how awesome Chris Hooley is during the S.E.S. Pub Crawl!

More details to come, but be ready mofos!

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7 Healthy Activities for Dads and Daughters

Being a single dad means wearing a lot of hats. Dad, mom, chef, doctor, teacher, coach, and sometimes when I am lucky, activity coordinator. Being in charge of the activities means I don’t have to play house, have a tea party, or pretend I am a Disney prince… all activities that I grin and bear with a smile, none of which I am particularly fond of (especially being the Prince, I keep telling her if she’s the Princess, I am the KING!)

After a while, I’ve started to figure out some ways to spend time with my kiddo while maintaining some semblance of manliness AND getting some exercise at the same time. It helps that she’s almost 5 now and is able to partake in more vigorous activities but I digress. Here are 7 great active ideas for Dad’s with little girls who like me, don’t have enough time to both play with the kiddo and get in their daily exercise!

1) Weight Lifting – Daddy Style

Daddy Style weightlifting means your weights are… your kid! It’s free, requires no travel, and it can be done right on your living room floor. My daughter loves to be bench pressed, curled, lifted, leg lifted, etc. We also take turns with sets. She tries bench pressing my arm or leg, and tests her strength. It’s a great way to teach your daughter how to exercise, and to motivate her to try harder or challenge herself. The only problem I’ve encountered in getting a real workout here is that she’s only 45 pounds. I can’t exactly mass build when benching a toddler.

2) Pretend Wrestling

This one is the easiest; and again this one’s free! Kids love to be “roughed up” as long as you aren’t actually rough at all. It’s also the perfect time to teach appropriate boundaries. We have tons of fun pretending we are boxers or professional wrestlers while we pretend to punch, block, kick, or grapple in ways that don’t hurt your “opponent”. I’ll often lift her up over my head pretending I tossed her out of the ring, while slowly lowering her to the ground and pretend shouting “nooooooo!” Gives me a little of that healthy muscle burn, and give her a laugh from being suspended in mid air.

3) Karaoke Dance Parties

This activity isn’t exactly free since it requires music… and for my reputation’s sake this can only be done if the blinds are closed. But this is one of my guilty pleasure and secretly one of my favorites.

I have a playlist on my iPod that has a ton of 80s music (with no swears of course!) sprinkled in with some Hannah Montana and a few No Doubt songs for good measure. We crank up the iPod dock and use one of her brushes as a microphone and we pretend to do concerts for her dolls, or we’ll even make up silly dance routines. I use this opportunity to dance like a maniac, bordering physical comedy. She laughs like a maniac, bordering asthma attacks.  However if the general population ever saw this, there would be a lot more crying than laughing… either from me, or those watching it.

4) Playing the Wii

This might be the manliest activity on my list. What guy doesn’t like video games? Especially ones their 4-5 year old daughter likes too! When we play Wii bowling, to increase the healthy factor, we pretend to run down the isle just like real bowling and we even jump when we release the ball. It doesn’t help my accuracy much, but at least we’re getting active and having some fun.

5) Going Out “Discovering”

The outdoors can be fantastical to a child-if they have the right guide. We’ll walk down the street and I’ll help her climb random objects pretending they are something from out of this world. Sometimes we’ll find a trail and climb hills, large rocks, or small mountains and pretend we’re discovering new lands.  Sometimes I’ll even let her load up her wagon with dolls and we went for a walk around the block pretending we were tour guides.

6) Target Jumping

This one is a real hit with the kids.  All you gotta do is set “targets” around the house or outside.  I often use my finger against a wall or a washable marker.  Set your targets at various heights just near the top of your daughter’s max jumping height.  Give her a route around the house, and she must touch or slap each target.  If the target is too high, lower it a bit.  Too low?  Add another higher one.  Use your watch like a stop watch and time her like it’s an obstacle course (I often make up times and keep yelling “GO GO GO! You’re Gonna Break the Record!”.  20 minutes of this and she’ll be napping in no time!

There are a bunch of variations in this game, where you can follow her around the “course” and hit your own targets, or if your daughter has friends over you can line them all up and use your finger against the wall and adjust for each of their jumping abilities.   If you’re tired, just lean against the wall and set various targets with your hand or finger.  If you wanna rev up, get outside and make it challenging for both of you.  You’d be surprised at how much fun your little one will have with this one.

7) Tasting Parties

A tasting party is when you choose a couple of new foods (we usually do exotic fruits) and see what they taste like.  I usually take my daughter to the grocery store so we can look at different fruits and vegetables to figure out which we would like to try that day.  Then we take them home, wash them together, and prepare them to be served (I usually handle anything that has to do with a knife!)  Then we set our plates, and take turns tasting things and explaining what they taste like.  This is a perfect way to refuel after some exhausting play time AND to replace junk food snacks with healthier alternatives.

8) BONUS ACTIVITY: Take a nap!

Because both you and your kid are probably worn out now!

If anybody else knows of any other healthy activities for Dads and Daughters, comment here and let me know what YOU do.  I’m always looking for new ways to bond with my kid and keep that Daddy Belly in check!  Plus, this could be a good resource for people who started like me, having NO IDEA how to raise a little girl.  Single dads (like me) especially could probably use a little guidance sometimes.

Ok So The Patriots Lost… At LEAST I was on TV!

I have so much to say about my experience but the pain is too strong to write it all right now. But like every dark cloud, even THE Biggest Disappointment in Sports History had a shining moment for me. I was on TV! Watch the clip and relish my huge fame and instant popularity!

Wow, that movie was terrific eh? Send all movie script roles to me via my contact page!


Anybody need some? I can get them to you at the last minute. I live in AZ. There are very few of these bad boys left on the planet!

(I just magically turned into a ticket broker!!)

Superbowl Tickets

Chris Hooley is Going to the SUPERBOWL!!!

I can’t believe it… I’m having daily heart palpitations. I am going to be there when history is made. I am going to the biggest football game ever. Ever. This is the year Tom Brady and the Patriots make history!!

I’ll be in section 406 row 10. Watch for me on TV, I’m gonna do my best to hog the camera for at least one second to cement my immortality too. I’m high up, so the camera won’t likley be buzzing around where I sit, but my HELMET will insure that even if I am on for ONE GLIMPSE that I will be easy to spot.

Go Patriots! This is the biggest event I have ever headed to. I feel like I am going to explode!!

Tom Brady Secrets!

If you’re a fan of Tom Brady, or funny random blogging, go check out Tom Brady Secrets. HILARIOUS stuff!

FYI- Jeff Dempsey contributed a ton to this blog, which is probably why it is so funny!

Biggest Loser Competition, Part Deuce :-(

I was pretty bragadocious in my last post about how to drop pounds FAST, eh?  Well here’s a follow up a lot of you health nuts will love.  Some may even get to say “Told ya so” but whatev…

So the Atkins diet made me lose 12 pounds in a week.  It also made me lethargic, irritable, and hungry.  My insides didn’t feel right, my immune system was lowered (I missed 2 days of work after getting really sick with what should have been a light cold), and my chest actually hurt inside like I was having heart problems.  All of this in ONE WEEK!

So I quit.  I ate kinda normal, got a little more active, and I gained most of the weight back.  In 2 days.  Now, my net loss is more like 3 pounds.  Not too impressive.

Moral of the story: Don’t do atkins unless you are near the very tail end of your weight loss competition.  It sucks.

3 Quick and Easy Steps to Becoming THE Biggest Loser!

My extended family has decided to have BIGGEST LOSER competition. The rules are simple. Each entrant pays 10 dollars to buy in. Every Tuesday we take our weight and send a picture of our scale as proof. After two months, the person who has lost the highest percentage of their body weight wins the pot!

Well it’s been one week. After losing almost 12 pounds, I thought I would outline my strategies for anybody who made the resolution to lose weight for the new years. 12 pounds in a week is a LOT of weight eh? Well here’s how I did it:

  1. Hardcore Atkins: follow the diet religiously, NO straying at all
  2. Treadmill Daily: at least 20 minutes
  3. Cry Every Time You See, Smell, or Even Think of ANY Food that’s Not Bacon

If you don’t mind heart disease, irritability, bad breath, and weird stuff happening with your insides, and you want to lose a lot of weight fast, try this out and see if you can a really big loser too!

I feel like crap…

Has anybody else succeeded with any other crash diets? Any tips or tricks on how to shed pounds fast? More importantly, anybody ever get on one of these diets and learn how NOT to gain all the weight back once they stop?

Guess Who’s Blogging Again!


I’ve spent too long minoring in the majors and majoring in the minors. I gotta get back to what got me where I am at today. For those who have forgotten who I am, I’m Chris Hooley. The Fonzie of SEO. I work for the best Student Loan Company on the web. I am a father, a son, a sumo wrestler, and an interpretive dancer / figure skater.  I will be your guide to pimping the web and pwning corporate America.  Stay tuned kiddies, I’m back with a vengeance!!

How to Launch Dozens of Blogs

There has to be a better way.  I have dozens domains that I want to create sites out of.  Free templates that I can edit myself.  Access to tons of awesome writers.  But creating the sites takes hours!  Set up hosting, configure, upload files, configure, install database, configure, etc etc etc.  It’s a pain in the arse.  Then once the sites are up, they crash from too much traffic (third host in 6 months, all the same problem)

These sites don’t have enough income potential to spend big dollars hosting them, but if I launch them all and keep my writers pounding out awesome stuff and driving traffic eventually these sites will be worth the effort.  But for now, no upsidedown-ski on hosting costs.

Anybody know a better, more efficient way to pound out lots of real wordpress blogs?  I am not looking for splog software, I just want to build out my sites so I don’t have all my chickens in one basket so to speak.

Guess What I’m Gonna Do! I’m Gonna SPAM Digg… BAD!

They have it coming. I have been a good user / member for years. Never did anything I wasn’t supposed to, contributed to conversations, dugg stuff I liked, rarely submitted a thing, almost never dugg stuff down, and they banned me anyways.

My attempts at getting my account back have been ignored. Because they decided to screw with me, I have decided I don’t need my old account. I don’t even want it. Instead, I will be letting my new bots submit the crappiest content ever. I think we are due for a little auto register bot as well to help automate this crap submission. I’m even writing a bot to auto bury which will have targeting capabilities.

Digg, there was no good reason for you guys to ban me, I did nothing wrong. Now you got it coming. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Jeff Dempsey: The Man, the Myth, the Mustache

Jeff Dempsey is a man of many talents. Farting, creating half ass partially SEO friendly blogs, updating web pages, whining, all kinds of stuff. Most of you know him from his first blog, I am Better than U. Some of you know him as the guy who got all my buddies to change their blog links to my site to his (the now defunct ChrisHooleySecrets.com). Others may even know him from our controversy, the one where I made it known that I own his soul.

Now, you will begin to know him as the man who saves mens’ testicles by growing a mustache and encouraging other men to do the same. The Great Stache Off has begun, and the response has been overwhelming. Jeff has had to turn away more than half of the contestants due to the workload it has caused. This my friends, is a very good thing.

Jeff has been hard at work trying to re-rank his newer, boss mandated blog for my name. To alleviate some of his workload so he can focus on the Stache Off, I have decided to give him a little help here. He just needs a handful of strong blog links to Chris Hooley Owns Jeff Dempsey to grab that top spot and get this thing over-with. That’s right, I am actually encouraging people to link to Jeff’s blog with the anchor text “Chris Hooley” so he can outrank me. Let’s just say it’s my contribution to his charity event.

The Great Stache Off is also accepting sponsorships for those who missed the shave date and would like to contribute. Sponshorship comes with a free clean link, which could end up a pretty good value. The contest has had some pretty cool coverage already, pulling in some link pop from some pretty bad ass blogs and authority websites. You can save people’s balls and funnel some link pop into your site at the same time just by donating a bit to the cause.

So there you have it. Save balls, link to Jeff’s site, get links, and have some fun. Aint blogging for balls great?

Drinking Your Way to Popularity!

Alcohol and popularity. What’s the deal? How are these things related? The only way to find out is to join the ultimate facebook group, Drinking Your Way to Popularity!

All the cool kids are doing it.

The best thing about it? You’re safe inside the walled garden that is Facebook. Nobody has to know your little secret… which is that you are a total drunk and so are your friends.

“This group is for all kinds of people who use beer, wine, or liquor to make themselves larger than life. Recreational drinkers, frat boys, business people who liquor up their clients and vendors, party animals, this is your home away from your home away from home, which should be your local bar.

Post pics and videos of puking, embarrassing photos of your friends (or enemies!), or any other alcohol related awesomeness. “

Sounds like the place to be! And the best part? If I know you, and you are my friend, you are automatically appointed an officer with a really cool name which undoubtedly will follow you around for the rest of your life.

Here’s the current role call of officers!

Chris Hooley
Doctor Drinkbait
Anna Rule (Toronto, ON)
Doctor Drinkbait’s Nurse of Love (AKA my girlfriend)
Jon Heinl (Phoenix)
Beer Bong Enthousiast
Brewski Conquistador
Sara Hause (no network)
Drunk Chick with a Great Rack
Nicola Young (Glasgow)
Gretchen Erle (Atlanta, GA)
Classy, professional Atlanta SEO.
Michael Buonomo (San Diego, CA)
Pony Keg Operations Specialist
Carolyn Shelby (Chicago, IL)
Perverted Beer Matron
Ken Savage (Lowell, MA)
Big Poppa Masshole
Dan Rezmovits (SUNY New Paltz)
New York Nugget Tugger
Rhea Drysdale (Jacksonville, FL)
Beer Monkey
Barbara Boser (Los Angeles, CA)
Boser’s Beer Babe
Rebecca Kelley (Washington)
ReBEERcca Kelley
Jill Sampey (New York, NY)
Chill Jill
David Wallace
Search Drank
Scott Willoughby (Seattle, WA)
Dave Naylor’s Eveil Drunken Twin
Michael A. Gray (Nassau County, NY)
Lucas Ng (Australia)
Crocodile Mud Wrestler
Viper Edge (Chicago, IL)
Snake Bite Maker
Eddie Machado (Fort Lauderdale, FL)
Edible Underwear Model
David Brown (Bellingham, WA)
Bone Crusher
Brian Alpert (Washington, DC)
Drum Circle Jerker
Brett Tabke (Austin, TX)
Robert Garcia (Miami, FL)
Rum Runner
Kelvin Newman (Brighton and Hove)
Beer Jockey
Michael McDonald (Lexington, KY)
Rage Reporter
Pete Wailes (London)
Pianist (not to be confused with “Penist”)
Aussie Webmaster (New York, NY)
Foster’s Importer
Danielle Winfield (New York, NY)
Exotic Beer Maiden
Barry Schwartz (no network)
Cartoon Beery
Ekrum Ashgar (London)
Ex Raver, Current Rager
Greg Boser (Los Angeles, CA)
Dark Beer Elitist

So get off your butt and get down with the crew. Facebook is in the house, drinks are in the house, Doctor DrinkBait is IN THE HOUSE! Get moving people!


Ladies, ladies, ladies (and gay dudes) I know you where disappointed that I found a hot babe and can no longer be auctioned off. BUT I have some great news… WIN A DATE WITH AN SEO IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!!!

The SEO who most resembles k-Fed:

has agreed to take my place and deliver an amazing night to the lucky winner. He’s single, he’s hot, he’s Rockyfied, his douche factor is even LOWER THAN MINE.

This is not a joke, Joe really agreed to do the contest. Really. I bet you were wishing it was Cameron or Guillaume.

And as an added bonus, I have decided to be the main camera man to capture the antics!

Oh man this is gonna be good!!! Comment with all your questions, concerns, ideas, and just to show JOE some love. Because who knows, you might just be the lucky guy girl who wins a date with this handsome SEO cowboy!

Birthday Linkfest 2007: WAY Overdue!

I remember back in the days when I was a blogger.  I used to write stuff.  People used to link here.  Chicks used to dig me.

Well I’m back with about 40 links that are way overdue (I’m not a liar, just BUSY).  For those of you who wished me a Happy Birthday on my 30th, here’s your love, right back atcha.  Sorry my much anticipated (and by much anticipated I mean not at all anticipated) overdue post is just a thank you, but at least I got off on my ass again and wrote SOMETHING eh?

Let the love flow baby.

Snoop Blog, my main SEO pimp mofo, as usual first to respond.  Thanks for the multiple beer bongs (he actually built them), guitar hero, and the mofuggin LUNCH BOXES!

Ump, proud to have you on board, now get your blog up already.

Jeff Dempsey, Jeff Dempsey, your blogs pwn all others.

Carolyn, next time you and Dave are gonna hit Vegas for reals with the Hool and the Rule!

PPC Guy, even if we’re #2 you’re still tops in my book

Markus, one day we will launch 12inchblackrubberdildobait.com and we’ll make literally hundreds

Jihan, it aint a party till your KrazyKorean ass shows up, thanks for being part of pretty much every birthday party I’ve had since I landed in AZ and for pitching in on at least 6 of my worst 7 presents ever.  The neoprene shorts are still getting a lot of mileage

Chris, you’ve been a bad ass since the Devry days.

Joe, shame your daughter’s poops prevented you from making it to the jam.  You were literally a quarter mile away

Jess, you money maker mover and shaker, keep pimpin it

Rhona, I miss you.  But that doesn’t stop me from eating horses

Tamar, maybe you can digg this?  Just kidding it’s a boring post :-p

Dan, I don’t know which site you are pimpin these days but I’ll be sure to visit you in SD if you don’t mind the fact I aint single no more and can hardly even wingman properly now

Aaron, your blog rocks… I have no idea how I ended up on your superstar list but I sure do appreciate it!

Joachim, nice quote.  Keep pimpin wiki bad ass style mang

Cameron, your Burt Reynolds style inspired a mustache contest at my office.  Bravo sir

Nathania, we’re old.  But at least YOU’RE still nice!

CHRIS!  SES San Jose we’re gettin beers.  And drinkin them.  Congrats on being your own boss!

Dan, “YO” will never be old.  nice adsense.

Prat, not sure we met but you did in fact wish my a happy birthday which did in fact earn you a link.  Enjoy!

David Wallace, my original SEO sensei!  Dude, those beers where AMAZING!  Piraat Ale and Nefarious Ten Pin were TOP NOTCH!  Thanks for making it to the b-day party and tell your beautiful wide I said hello!

Jason Murphy Man was I glad to finally roll witcha!  Looking forward to the next time

Chris, my pubcon buddy circa 2006, we got mo’ in sto’ for 07!

Pete Wailes, you  sir are a bad ass mofo, looking forward to your new site!

Andrea, I miss the shizzle out of you!  Conferences don’t happen often enough, I might have to rig a once partially awesome contest idea to get your ass out here to PHX!

Jon, much respect to you even if you ARE a yanks fan.  At least YOU don’t suck.

Joe Whyte, you are a legend in my office.  My life will never be the same now that I have the lunch box

Rach, you deserve all the happiness our family affords you.  I aspire to be as good a parent as you and Jeff are to my amazing nephews.

Rae the only thing hotter than your tought round buttocks is your skill in the marketplace.  Amazing

SEO Fan Girl, one day I may bless the pages of your blog.  On that day I will know it is ok to follow the light, for I will have achieved one of my main life goals.

Josh, we been down for years in the Arizona SEO shit.   Keep up the good work homez

Brendon, I don’t know you but you pimped the system, which I respect fully

Savage!  Glad to hear there’s some web money flowing into the Merrimac Valley brah!

Brook, it’s hard to link out to that one cuz you guys are right there in my vertical, but a deal’s a deal.  Now get my favorite site a few links from some of yours and we’ll all be happy ;-)

Johnny, you worked that system baby.  Send me a fish tank :-p

Lucas, worked it too

David, happy to see you’re jumping in to make some loot online!  Keep pimpin homie you’re gonna be big time!

And that’s it.  Maybe my next blog post will be part 2 of my Hooley Party Train?


I can’t believe how DOPE this video is. Snoop Blawg, Skorp, Jihan, me and a bunch of buddies rented rascals for superbowl weekend in Vegas and pimped thos thangs like true macks! It took Snoop a long ass time to edit the video, but it’s here. Checka check it out and LOVE it!


Pimp out that YouTube and get some viral action going! Ridin’ Dirty Video!

Skorp’s blog post about RYDIN’ DIRTY!

Link to Snoop’s post and get that thing out therrrrr!!! <a href=”http://www.snoopbloggyblog.com/?p=7″>Riding Dirty Video</a>


SMX… SpaceNeedle… I’m gonna drink coffee in the rain and throw fish around.

Seattle here I come!  The Search Marketing Expo starts tomorrow! I am headed to the airport as we speak.

And BTW I’ve got a new strategy for the drinkbait, stay tuned folks.

And finally, props to NextStudent for giving me the freedom to check out these conferences as needed.   I’m looking forward to bringing more knowledge and a thicker rolodex back to PHX baby!

I remember when I was cool

Times were good.  I had a Mongoose BMX bike with yellow spokes, a rat tail AND a mullet, Optimus Prime AND ShockWave, a kick ass collection of Sectaurs, and my girlfriend kissed me on the lips once at the kissing tree.

Apparently times have changed.   Now my idea of a good time is a banana cognac at the sizzler and a good power nap.

I think I’m having a midlife crisis today; wishing I was about 10 years younger, 20 pounds lighter, and 50 million richer.  SEO and kicking ass marketing in competitive verticles just seems boring right this minute, which is way out of character for me. How does one retain that awesome youthful feeling that you are alive without drinking beer bongs or hitting it hard at the casino?  Any ideas?

Chris Hooley’s Coming Home to Boston Beyatches!

Chris is coming home baby! This is my first trip back to Beantown since I stayed at Uncle Mark’s and Auntie Marie’s about 5-6 years ago. I have since gained 30 pounds (it’s all muscle lol), had a kid, bought 2 houses, and developed a taste for fiber rich foods and shuffleboard.

My taste for beer however, remains unchanged. And I want to drink one with YOU!

I’m getting in on Saturday night, staying at some swanky hotel (the one that sarah jessica parker got kicked out of the pool on sex in the city) and going to the sox game on Sunday. Sat night and especially Sunday night I’ll be looking for something fun to do, so if you’ll be in or around the city let me know. We’ll get some brewskis and maybe go bah hoppin or somethin.

HIT ME UP if you wanna meet up downtown and / or go get a beer. My cell is 623-680-9173 and I should have it on at all times. CALL ME, we’ll talk. Maybe we can take a trip down to Tewksbury and hang out at the Oakdale Mall with our skateboards and beg strangers for money to get some Papa Ginos too. err, maybe not that. OK then. SEE YOU IN BEANTOWN! (hopefully)

On a side note… I owe you guys a few posts. One for links for those birthday wishes, and part 2 of my Hooley Party Train post. Just so you know, I got this new GF who is taking up a lot of my blogging time so feel free to blame her for all bad things in your life that involve me. She’s just so darn cute I can’t bring myself to sit in front of my computer when I’m not working-

Tell ya what, if Boston is boring, you’ll see a bunch of posts coming from this el blogo and everybody will be more happy than ever… except my GF who will probably be getting hatemail for being hawt.


Jeff Dempsey – I Own You.

best. prank. ever. 

Jeff Dempsey, my technical specialist at NextStudent,  decided to create a website dedicated to yours truly and then get a bunch links pointed to it.  He even recruited a bunch of my blog buddies to switch their links from my site to his. 

He beat me in the SERPs in literally like 4 days. 

Not only did he kick my ass, he also dropped mysite to #4 and 5 on Google for the phrase Chris Hooley.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Seriously kick ass prank… But he forgot one thing, I own him.

Since I am his boss, and I do in fact own the rights to his soul, I decided his newfound SEO skills should be put to better use. (obviously he’s bored at work if he has that kind of time anyways) So here’s his new task.

I created a blog dedicated to how Chris Hooley owns Jeff Dempsey.  He is required to write at least one blog post per day about the subject and acquire links as fast as he can until he owns both terms, Chris Hooley and Jeff Dempsey.  This is not a challenge, but a job requirement

I will maintain all editorial control.  Jeff is not allowed to NOT post, and cannot brag about himself.  Only me.  He will then outline his adventures in link building and content production and present his newfound knowledge of SEO to the team one he owns the SERPs.

Man, I can’t WAIT to read his daily posts about how I own his soul!

Ya know, sometimes I sit back and think… it sure is good to be a passive aggressive asshole boss!

Happy blogging Jeffyboy!

The Hooley Party Train Temporarily DERAILED!

Being the guy in SEO known for drinks is more work than it sounds. Turning 30 and having a frikkin rager right after the fact doesn’t make it easier. Throw in a few days with raging Canadien women on an Arizona vacation who wanna drink like animals and you start to get the picture.

My liver hurts. Drinking has become a serious chore, and probably had something to do with me catching this cold that is kicking my butt right now.

That aside, I have had such a blast in the past few weeks. The recap is far overdue. For all you peeps in business or SEO who want to live life vicariously through another dude’s adventures, fasten your seat belt. Here’s the Hooley Party Train Recap!

Condensed Version:

  • Before I went to New York, I drank too much and had a blast
  • I went to New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I came back from New York, drank too much and had a blast
  • I had a rager for my 30th B-Day, drank too much and had a blast
  • I raged with 8 Canadian women by the pool, drank too much and had a blast
  • I woke up with a shitty cold, derailed the Hooley Party Train and started writing this blog

Full Version:

April 7, 2007 – the RAGE begins

Took the team out to the YardHouse in Phoenix to reward them for being so damn good. Had a few delicious micro brews and some greasy food and headed to Snoop Blawg‘s with Mind Party and Dumpsey to get my ass kicked in Wii Bowling. Proceeded to the Sand Bar to meet up with some friends and a lady, but was completely derailed when I met the most awesome chick on the planet. Blew off friends and said lady (I’m an ass) and laughed ass off with awesome chick for the entire night.

April 8, 2007 – Classy Move: Bought a Hooker Champaign on First Date with Awesome Chick

After hanging out with awesome chick, I decided I wanted to do it again and again (get your mind out of the gutter BTW- she’s a classy awesome chick and would not let me be sleazy even if I tried) so I convinced her to let me take her on a date to Sapporo‘s. We were having fun at the tepan yaki table when we noticed a sad looking girl sitting near us. She told us her friends blew her off and it was her birthday. Awesome chick and I decided to bring her into our circle of awesomeness. I decided to get a bottle of champaign to cheer the new girl up (class move right?). Then new girl says she used to be a stripper, but now she is in massage therapy, and handed me a business card with half naked people and asked me what I wanted for the champaign.

Awesome chick didn’t realize this hooker was basically trying to give me a BJ. I politely declined and proceeded to teach awesome chick about some hooker warning signs, at which point she pointed out that I actually bought a hooker champaign on our first date. Well when you put it like THAT! Man, I’m about as smooth as sandpaper!

Anyways, me and awesome chick spent the rest of the night laughing at each other and talking about kismet, and just being silly. The next day, I picked up Snoop Blawg, and we headed to New York Fuckin City for SES NY 2007.


Hung over. Tired. Long Flight. Mandatory meet and greet drinks with SEOs and vendors. I spent the whole flight thinking of how much more awesome New York City would be with awesome chick to laugh at / with. So, I got into the hotel, called awesome chick, and booked her some tix. I’m flying her out like a pimp!

Headed over to the first SEO party and met with with Neil, Cameron, Anheel, the dudes from Pepperjam, Savage, Loren (who could barely stand lol), Markus, Todd, the BOTW boys, and probably the dopest find of the night, Nic and Cher. They ended up joining our party train for the whole week, which increased our rage by a factor of 6!


  • Almost beefing with short dude from Pepperjam for being a dick and trying to mess with Cameron. For the record: Cam was completely cool with everything and everybody. Gotta back my homeboy! Also for the record, Kris and the whole team was / is awesome, I guess it was some new sales guy (same guy who called me a dick lol, I was like WTF?)
  • Getting asked if I was the real Chris Hooley (lol, being a C List corporate celeb is great for my insanely huge ego)
  • Drinking beer out of straws and driving Markus insane

We headed up to OldCastle to see what’s crackin at the Irish bars, and who do we see? A rockstar line up of awesomeness. I finally got to meet the Femozzers, who are a billion times hotter in person. (You guys wish you had hot pics like this to post above your little beds) Pimpin the bar was Boser, Todd, Cshel, Scott (who looks like a prettier Dave Naylor) and others. I bought them probably 16 shots of Jameson and pretty much fucked up everybody’s night (score!). I think Elisabeth and Guillaume where there too, I can’t quite remember, but it was good times. We called it a night at prolly 4AM and headed back to da hotel to get ready for the conferences (which started in a mere few hours)

April 10, 2007 – Classy Google Party – United Negro Pizza Fund Rap – Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Michael Jackson’s Thriller Video Auditions

Ok day starts off-there were hangovers, conferences, and learning. Now back to the party train

After the conferences, we meet up with Andrea Schoemaker (who MAKES THE MOFUGGIN PARTY LIVE) Scotland, and Canada at the hotel bar. I’m pretty sure that’s when I finally saw Rae, and I’m pretty sure I made her and about 6 others including Dax, EO, etc. drink the hugest shot of Goldschlager ever. I did not puke, but I wanted to.

Then, the Google Party, which was the birth place of the PANK DRANKS! Me and Snoop Blawg tried our hardest only to drink beverages with umbrellas for the entire trip, but NYC had a shortage so we decided to only drink PANK DRANKS (pink drinks) or at least drink our beer through straws. Don’t ask why, just go with it.


After that, we decided to walk down the street for some reason. This ended up being a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. Wow. Some dope ass bum runs up to us and asks “Hey would you guys like to donate to the UNITED NEGRO PIZZA FUND?”. I was like “HELL YEAH” and handed him the smallest bill I had in my wallet, which was actually a 20 cuz I blew my small bills on tips. Needless to say the guy was stoked and he tried to audition for me right on the spot, thinking I must have been a baller / rapper / producer. We got the second half of his flow on video, which can be seen on Andrea’s video montage of New York Fuckin City. They guy busted out a bunch of dope rhymes about YOURS TRULY. DOPE!!!


In the same walk down the street, we stumbled into the AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE MOVIE DEBUT AFTER PARTY! Sitting right there was Master Shake himself, who also makes an appearance in Andrea’s video. He gave us free soundtrack CDs and signed cards for us. Mine said “Chris, your friend Jeff completely is homo” because he heard me talking about how jealous Jeff would be. HILARIOUS! Man, that is one cool ass dude, and that was an UN FRIKKIN BELIEVABLE experience. BAWLAH!

Back to da CASTLE!

Ok this is where it gets messy. Oldcastle is our jam, so we headed back. Every frikkin SEO who’s blog I read was there. Shoemoney is out front with his gang smoking stogies, and inside is a clusterfuck of bad asses. We got messy drunk. At one point Dave Naylor tried to get tough with me, thinking he can grab my hat. I guess we got chin to chin barking at each other, but there was no contact. I grabbed my hat back and stood my ground, occasionally watching him out of the corner of my eye. I’m not good with public embarrassment.

I don’t remember all of it, but I know this much. We were raging so hard that by the end of the night we apparently looked like we were auditioning for Thriller walking down the streets of New York. Snoop was dragging his head against the wall to keep himself up, I was doing the gorilla in the middle of the street, and Nicola looked like a zombie because SHE GOT DRANK UNDER THE TABLE BY YOURS TRULY!

Oh yeah and at some point me and Snoop thought it was appropriate to dance to “Dancing Queen

April 11, 2007 – Classy Frikkin Party, THE LUNCH BOX, Strippers, and EVEN MORE Rage!

Ok this is getting repetitive. By now, I honestly did not want another drink. My body is mad at me, but I got business to take care of and a reputation to uphold. Until now, I have never drank more than 3 days in a row, but this conference is my chance to tighten bonds with pimps in my industry and pick drunken brains when their guard is down- so I keep going.

Oh wait, there were conferences and learning blah blah – ON TO THE PARTY TRAIN!

Andrea is waiting downstairs at the Webmaster Radio Free Drink Session, so me n’ Snoop head back down to the bar to say hello. She’s there with the now infamous JOE FRIKKIN WHYTE who was immediately absorbed into our party train. We drank again, but this time my body was pissed at me. Oh and BTW, I saw the ultimate hawtness herself IN THE FLESH!  Lisa Barone, I love you baby please come home daddy misses you.  (that’s what I sound like when I’m talking to my the Lisa shrine dol made out of human hair)

Chilling at Industry Brains‘ pimped out open bar party was cool, hanging with Joe Morin, finally meeting David Temple, drinking even more pink drinks, meeting come cool dudes from Cha Cha, but I had to go back and take a frikkin nap. No joke, I was turning into a baby pants. I actually went back to da hotel and snoozed for a bit.

After that, we headed to Times Square for some bar hopping, but didn’t get far after being introduced to the LUNCH BOX!!! Joe Whyte, it doesn’t matter if you tried to literally humped my butt in public, you made up for it with this one. This is my new favorite shot and was an instant classic with my friends. Before we went out, we absorbed our buddies from cha cha and webmaster radio, some of whom really wanted to go to the strip club. We did, it sucked, nuff said. Moving on…

Back to OldCastle!! (ugh, this is starting to hurt)

What can I say? More of the same. More pain, more liquor, more pics, but this time… more PEOPLE. The whole SEO scene was there. We drank again. But this time at least I finally hooked up with Michael Gray for a long overdue drink! Too bad my liver was punching itself in it’s liver at the time. It was also good to see the SEO Loser again and finally get a pic of the DrinkBait SEOLoser combo from PubCon in Vegas.

Highlights: I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I both arm wrestled and leg wrestled Scotland into submission.

April 12, 2007 – Romance, Rickshaws, Iron Chef Karaoke, and more shit.

Woke up, conferences learning blah blah blah – BACK TO THE TRAIN ALREADY!

Today, awesome chick comes to NY! I feel giddy. Not sure if it is from liver poisoning or because I was excited to see awesome chick again, but nonetheless. My stomach was feeling funny. The day flew by, and finally awesome chick shows up in New York!

Our party crew absorbed another newcomer, Brian Alpert, and headed down to Times Square to show awesome chick the lights. Me and awesome chick immediately jumped into a rickshaw for a cheesy bike ride around the square. It was mushy and cute and we have a few awesome pics on her camera that she didn’t upload yet. From there we headed to The Spotlight, which was just opening. Amazing karaoke joint with crazy interactive systems that allow table to table web cam and 2.0 type communications. The food there is all made my “iron chef” cooks (here’s awesome chick with iron chef dude).

I was sick from the days of partying and not able to drink that well, but my excitement to be hanging out with awesome chick energized me a bit.

Then guess where… Back to frikkin Oldcastle

Ok, ok repetitive. Drinks, party, SEOs, pics, whoooo. You get the picture. Everybody loved awesome chick including 3 random dudes trying to flirt with her outside… then dude shouted out “Oh shit here’s her boyfriend” when I walked up. Had he not said that, the situation would have been way more normal. Like I care if she’s joking around with a bunch of dudes… I would have walked up and been 100% cool, but I guess awesome chick saw the fire in my eyes when that dude tried make it seem like something bad was going on. She grabbed me and pulled me back into the bar to chill me out.

Now I’m trying to be cool, and trying to figure out who those guys were. I was not even raging, just a lot of things happened all at once. Me and awesome chick sit down and to chill but my emotions are making my face red. Plus, we’re both a little tipsey so we decide to go back to the hotel.

On the way in, who do I see? Dave Naylor and that dude who was just trying to get a rise out of me. I’m trying to take care of awesome chick, and the dudes call me out. I’m like “Who the fuck are you” to that dude and he made a rude comment. Naylor tried to incite the situation, and for the first time in a long time I used my better judgment and focused on awesome chick instead of throwing down with those dudes. But I still wanna find out who that fucking guy was.

So I explained to awesome chick about who is who and how to operate in the conference bar scene, and we agreed it aint the best idea to feed the trolls. She was cool, no harm no foul. End drama, the rest is all fun again.

April 13, 2007 – Tour of the City, Inside Jokes, Romantic Trip to Staten Island, and More of the Same

Next morning me awesome chick decide to head out for a street vendor bagel. We ended up buying a bus tour and went out in the freezing cold to see New York. It was fun touristy crap. We saw all the main attractions of Manhattan. Macy’s, Empire State Building, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, etc etc, TONS to see. Lots of inside jokes here, most of which awesome chick will censor me for… all I can say is it was awesome!

While in transit to see the Statue of Liberty, we noticed something strange. Lots of bad ass thugs and possible Wu-Tang Clan members apparently enjoy the monument. We thought nothing of it and continued to be stupid, and boarded the ferry. Once we got in, I thought for a second, maybe this isn’t the right ferry? I mentioned it to awesome chick and immediately some bag lady next to us ominously says “Get owff!”

We ran to the back of the ferry, but the second we walked up it started to leave the doc. Turns out we were headed to Staten Island. Awesome! Maybe we could meet the Gza or Inspectah Deck!

Later that night, we met with some old friends. No more SEO stuff, no more conference stuff, just friends. We went bar hopping in the city trying out as many places as possible before retiring back at…

you guessed it, Oldcastle.

They almost kicked me out for not drinking and dozing off (I just couldn’t drink any longer, it was just too much). At least awesome chick was nice and patient with me. I was kinda grumpy from the lack of sleep and overboard consumption of alcohol and crappy food over the past few days.

Not much else happened after that, we all woke up WAAAY too early and headed to the airport.

A few days pass, all is normal. Work, eat, sleep, play with kid, etc. Until… my 30th birthday!

Stay Tuned for Part 2 of my Crazy Party Train Post!

The Mid Life Crisis Post – I’m Officially 30 :-(

This morning has been kinda cool. Got a ton of Happy Birthday emails from random forums that I apparently joined one time (robots can be so sweet sometimes), a bunch of MySpace and FaceBook comments, emails and text messages from friends and family, and a sweet voicemail from my sweetheart wanting to be first to wish me a happy birthday.

Ya know, it feels good knowing people care… about an old ass man with wrinkly old man junk who is losing his hair and no longer knows the difference between “cool” and “on sale”.

Dudes and dudettes, here it comes. Mid Life Crisis Time. Instead of buying a fast italian sports car and boob jobs for random hot 22 year olds, I think I’m gonna give back to the community.

Those who know me, know I am a big fan of CONSOLIDATION of any sort. I don’t care if it’s student loans, liquid assets, affiliate reporting system interfaces, or anything else for that matter. I want it all in the same place at the same time. That being said, these scattered b-day wishes need a single point, a funnel if you will.

So here’s the deal blog buddies, if you want to console me through my miserable day of wearing garters and hating myself for not being 21, do it here. A simple Happy Birthday will do. And here’s the critical part of the crisis, it’s worth a link so all you fuckers better do it. Even the ones who don’t show up to my super dope party (AKA assholes).

So happy birthday to me. Make some comments up in this bitch, I wanna crack 50 if possible so at least I feel like I am loved even if I am on my way to impotence and wearing adult diapers.

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