But this does look pretty fuggin real TBH

I've been called Pizza Face before, but this is ridiculous...

Then there was a second zombie attack in Florida.  The government tried to cover the whole thing up by forcing the media to call it a vampire attack but COME ON NOW.  Vampires don’t eat faces, they suck blood!  And also, this is a white chick.  Wait, conspiracy theory, maybe all those movies were a lie… The black guy and white chick don’t die first.  They just want us to think that.

Ok she's not THAT hot. But admit it, you'd do her.

Now, two zombies, THAT’s kinda funny. I mean I can see a random occurrence of face eating in Florida. People do weird stuff when their sports teams are in the playoffs (I’m talking about the Heat, because all other Florida teams suck balls).  BUT TWO Zombie attacks?  Let’s the jokes flow.

But then shit got real.  It’s no longer contained in Florida. New Jersey also has a team in the playoffs.  I mean the DEVILS, not all the other teams in NJ who also suck.  WAIT… conspiracy theory alert… Heat? Devils? This sounds super satanic! …shits getting WEIRDER by the MINUTE.

This Jersey Shore Zombie did NOT want to be outdone by these fish handed Spring Break Zombies.  But as you might expect, Jersey Shore Zombies are total douches. Really dumb kind of zombie. I mean, he didn’t even eat anybody else! This fool wanted to out zombie the other zombies, so he started eating himself, and fist pumping a knife into his own guts and throwing bits of his intestines at the cops as they pepper sprayed him.

Aint no Zombie like a Jersey Shore Zombie cuz a Jersey Shore Zombie Don't Stop! (throwing intestines)

No, that’s not Snookie’s unborn fetus.  That is in fact, what’s inside that beautiful Situation Six Pack.  Ammo.  Need to find a funny connection between his GUNS and his AMMO, but I am not smart or witty enough and I still have two more Zombies to cover.

We're all waiting to see if Snookie's baby comes out black, guido, or undead

AND THE PLOT THICKENS!

The Raven is a symbol of all kinds of scary crap, right?  Well the Baltimore Ravens made the playoffs despite how crappy their evil mustached QB is, so this evil little city needed to celebrate with their very own EVIL TEAM ZOMBIE JUBILEE.  (They’re kind of slow down there)

In every zombie movie, after the black guy dies, then it’s time for the hot white chick.  Near the end of the movie, the useful Asian who fixes things and figures stuff out is supposed to go next. In real life, the Asians were in cahoots with black guys and white chicks on this whole thing, so ACTUALLY they’re the next in line to the human flesh fest.

But the Asian Zombie stays true to character; he’s a really smart zombie (in fact, he’s an electrical engineer college student walking stereotype zombie).  He plots out his brain devouring and executes a flawless plan of opening up his very own basement Pei Wei and munches his hearts and brains without all the prying eyes.

Walking stereotype Asian Zombie eats his brains raw, with chopsticks, and some soy sauce

I don’t know if you noticed, but the San Antonio Spurs are also in the playoffs.  And as much as Tim Duncan looks like a retarded neanderthal, he’s actually an evil genius.  Based on the fact that the Spurs win a lot, (they’re like the Patriots of the NBA) they MUST have a deal with the devil too, right?  Their uniforms are black and silver, and their logo, a spur, is actually a pentagram used to injure horses in an attempt to control them.  Perfectly evil. So naturally, San Antonio has got to be the next city hit by Zombie Party 2012, right?  You Betcha!

This next zombie was initially mistaken as the single mom zombie. But we have come to find out, this zombie is the much more dangerous Angry Baby Momma Mexican Zombie, AKA the Chola Zombie.  (who happens to be a Spurs fan, because all black and silver teams are beloved by Mexicans – the colors are so gangsta and always match their hairnets) She beheaded her baby and started eating her little baby toes (a delicacy amongst zombies) after a drunken trip to Walmart to buy some more mouthwash (the cheapest buzz foodstamps can buy), an industrial sized bucket of lard (it’s toe taco night after all), and steal some make up.

Here she is before she turned Zombie. Confusing, yes, but she just wears her makeup that way.

So far, as of June 1st 2012 the Zombie outbreak is contained to 5 (EDIT: we have been alerted to 3 more Zombie attacks bringing the number up to 8, updates are below). There are rumors of a 9th attack in the Toronto area. But don’t worry, it was just some French homo in Canada tried to get attention and jump on this trend by killing a cat and some other gay dude.  Totally not a zombie, just a kid who hates his father and really needs a hug.  Or some anal.  Or maybe just some love.

DANGER: OTHER CITIES ARE ON WATCH!

Be on the lookout OKC, Boston, and Los Angeles. This Zombie outbreak seems to be spreading to cities who have teams in the playoffs. We’re not yet sure if it only applies to evil teams, or playoff teams.  If the playoff theory is wrong and it’s following around the most evil teams in sports, look out New York.  You’re pretty much guaranteed to be overrun by asshole zombies who think they are awesome.

I will keep you updated as more zombie attacks are reported.  To stay on top of this shit, subscribe and start following me on Facebook and Twitter.  And most importantly join our new Zombie Apocalypse Awareness and Support Group on Facebook!

UPDATE 1: San Diego Man Bites his Cousin’s Nose Off 
UPDATE 2: (Again in Florida) Man Bites Lips Off Kitten and Strangles Another Cat
UPDATE 3: Contractor Bites Lowe’s Employee in Georgia

Enjoyeth.

And that’s the problem.  You’re too obvious.

I didn’t lose any spots anywhere, despite being known as pretty aggressive.  And it’s not because I had some super serious spygames moves.  It’s because I didn’t get too hyperfocused on specific things.  I just went out and got links, and got social mentions.  I tried when it made sense to use anchor text.  I didn’t bother scraping and harvesting links to my important sites (don’t get me wrong, for my crappy sites, I will try anything to see what happens).  I didn’t buy links from link networks.  I didn’t obsess over the PR or backlink portfolio of each potential link.  I just got them.  A lot of nofollows. Lots of branded links.  Lots of domain links.  Whatever.  I figured if I was able to look at a link portfolio and within seconds spot anchor text jamming, the multi-hundredaire engineers at Google could probably do the same.

So to avoid getting wiped out in the next Google update, I suggest you stop being a friggin idiot and trying to outsmart Google.  Know where the line is, but more importantly, know where the line COULD be.  And work within those guidelines but do so in an very aggressive manner, and eventually, you’ll have update proof rankings.  And you’ll see sites rise instead of fall when the next panda or penguin comes and wipes out all your less intelligent competition.

Well it turns out I am allergic to a couple foods and intolerant to many more.  I took the Alcat Allergy Test and it really made sense why my favorite meal, pizza and beer, made me feel sick as a dog for days afterwards.  Turns out, I am severely allergic to casein, the main protein found in dairy.   And I am also severely  intolerant to gluten, bell peppers, brewer’s yeast, hops, and barley.  So basically the only thing in pizza and beer that I wasn’t allergic to was the tomato sauce.  Unless that had peppers in it which happens half the time.

This was both welcome news, and a punch in the gut.  I had spent years in my adult life knowing something was wrong.  I was always tired, frequently anxious and / or cranky.  My mind was foggy.  I always carried weight around my waist and felt bloated.  My guts just never felt right. I was happy to finally know where this feeling was coming from.  It was jsut sad that is was caused by the very things I loved most.

I was a beer drinker’s beer drinker.  LOVED me some Bass Ale.  Loved me almost every kind of beer that existed.  I was both a beer snob and a coors lite drinker at the same time.  I loved it all.  My favorite food has always been pizza.  Fancy, deep crust, thin crust, extra cheese, various toppings… pizza was like sex.   Even bad sex is better than no sex.  Same with pizza.

So, I had to quit.  I adopted a diet that made it virtually impossible to eat out.  No flour, no wheat or bread, and no dairy.  No butter.   I couldn’t eat really anything on any menu because of how common these two things are.   To this day if I go out to eat, I have to eat at home first.  I can’t go to somebody’s house and have a home cooked meal because it’s so hard to avoid these two ingredients that they have no idea they are poisoning me and just by trying to give me something delicious, they are partially responsible for me feeling like crap for  the next few weeks.

When I first adopted this diet, my body started to transform.  My muscles got bigger, and my waist got smaller.  I started looking great!  But unfortunately this was short lived… The longer I stayed on this diet, the more things I found that were bad for me that I *could* eat.  I have never had a big sweet tooth, but since my food choices were so limited, and sugar wasn’t something I was allergic to, I started to eat candy.  More candy than ever.   I would smash a 3 pound bag of hot tamales in a day easy, and still eat a big dinner.

I started killing myself in a new way.  And my body started morphing back into the same shape I was in initially.  And with the sugar came new problems.  After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or thirsty.  I was just always hungry.  I had such strong problems with hydration my muscles would cramp up every single day.  My blood was so thick, my vision was kind of blurry and my arms and legs would go to sleep multiple times a day.  And I was getting acne like a teenager.  My back, shoulders, and face looked like a greasy teenager despite taking 1-3 showers a day.

So I decided, it’s time for a change.  I need to clean myself out.  There’s no way I am going vegetarian, I just don’t believe in that.  Humans did not evolve eating only veggies and fruits.  Since the caveman days we have been eating animals, veggies, and fruit.  We have evolved to eat this way.  We did not evolve looking at a stalk of wheat, thinking “mmm delicious!”, in fact, the thought of eating hay like that should invoke a primal reaction of grossness.  I’m not going Atkins because any diet that says no vegetables is clearly not healthy.  I decided I was gonna eat the way humans evolved to eat.  I was gonna eat like a caveman.  Veggies, fruit, and meat.

I’m going Primal.  Straight Paleo Caveman Diet BIATCH!

It’s been 3 days since I started my paleo diet, and I can say I already feel different.  My head isn’t as foggy, now I can tell when I’m thirsty, and my acne is starting to clear up already.  And I’ve lost 5 pounds too (surely water wight but it’s a great way to kick off a new diet.)

It hasn’t been easy, since I am so used to grabbing a spoonful of peanut butter whenever I feel like snacking.  but admittedly it’s probably easier for me than the average Joe since I am used to having a restricted diet.  But I am so used to having candy around the house, and easy options.  Now instead, I have a kitchen full of fruits and veggies.  And when I get my typical late night boredom cravings, I walk into the kitchen and I am  forced to choose between all healthy options.  In days, my late night snacking has already been curbed because there’s no comfort snacks that contain sugar just sitting there for me.  In fact, I walk into the kitchen bored and walk out with a glass of water now.

I will post before and after pics when I finish a month of living primal.  Hopefully my caveman diet gets me caveman ripped.  I mean seriously, ever heard of a fat caveman?

Seems important.

Do uh, links, still work for SEO?  Anybody out there still spinning and winning?  From what I have read, every type of automation has been systematically weeded out and all sites using it have been banned right?  We need to “hand-job” everything in order to succeed?

One thing’s for sure, from the research I’ve done since I’ve been back, I can say this: there’s still just as much noise, fear mongering, ass licking, and bullshit being pushed from these so called “experts” as there was back in the day when I was ignoring them.

I call bullshit.

As much as some nuances have changed, the basics are still the same.  Get links.  The bigger the better.  Get authority.  And anchor text still works.  Search engineers always find ways to close holes in their algorithms that have been exposed time and time again, right?  But for some reason there still are holes so big you can still drive a Mack truck through them.  And some of the new stuff they’re introducing is even easier to game in it’s early stages.  *cough* *choke* *automated google +1 votes* *fart*

In all my years, I’ve played in and dominated very competitive verticals, and I have never had a single site banned.  Because common sense tells you don’t get too spammy, and don’t be too obvious, and don’t be evil.  Just because you can flare up some behind the proxy scraper / spinner / poster / pinger tools to harvest 30,00 links doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.  But competitive sense should tell you that just because a few big time SEO names or search engine employees at some expensive drunk fest glad-handing circle jerk (I mean conference, in case you didn’t catch the reference) tell you not to do something, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT WILL NOT WORK.  You just have to get a feel for where the line is and don’t cross it… too often.  And if you do cross the line, do it by a tip toe, not by a mile.  Don’t be the Leeroyyyyyy Jenkins of link building.

There are safe ways to be aggressive.  Even now, when everybody tells you it’s impossible.  Don’t run around like an idiot blowing shit up with a hydrogen bomb where a single sniper should would do the trick.  And don’t listen to these fools trying to throw you off course.  Get links.  Good ones.  Lots of em.  And rank Up!