ZOMFG! Zombies! This week has been the awesomest week ever IRL if you like bad horror movies (or awesome ones like Zombieland). At first, there was a Zombie attack in Miami. Everybody is searching for Miami Zombie Victim Pictures and posting them on Facebook. But in a stunning twist of fate, the black guy didn’t die first. In fact, it was a black dude who ate the face off some white guy. That’s why at first I had a hard time believing this was a true zombie attack, because the black guy always dies first, then the hot annoying white chick.
But this does look pretty fuggin real TBH
Then there was a second zombie attack in Florida. The government tried to cover the whole thing up by forcing the media to call it a vampire attack but COME ON NOW. Vampires don’t eat faces, they suck blood! And also, this is a white chick. Wait, conspiracy theory, maybe all those movies were a lie… The black guy and white chick don’t die first. They just want us to think that.
Now, two zombies, THAT’s kinda funny. I mean I can see a random occurrence of face eating in Florida. People do weird stuff when their sports teams are in the playoffs (I’m talking about the Heat, because all other Florida teams suck balls). BUT TWO Zombie attacks? Let’s the jokes flow.
But then shit got real. It’s no longer contained in Florida. New Jersey also has a team in the playoffs. I mean the DEVILS, not all the other teams in NJ who also suck. WAIT… conspiracy theory alert… Heat? Devils? This sounds super satanic! …shits getting WEIRDER by the MINUTE.
This Jersey Shore Zombie did NOT want to be outdone by these fish handed Spring Break Zombies. But as you might expect, Jersey Shore Zombies are total douches. Really dumb kind of zombie. I mean, he didn’t even eat anybody else! This fool wanted to out zombie the other zombies, so he started eating himself, and fist pumping a knife into his own guts and throwing bits of his intestines at the cops as they pepper sprayed him.
No, that’s not Snookie’s unborn fetus. That is in fact, what’s inside that beautiful Situation Six Pack. Ammo. Need to find a funny connection between his GUNS and his AMMO, but I am not smart or witty enough and I still have two more Zombies to cover.
AND THE PLOT THICKENS!
The Raven is a symbol of all kinds of scary crap, right? Well the Baltimore Ravens made the playoffs despite how crappy their evil mustached QB is, so this evil little city needed to celebrate with their very own EVIL TEAM ZOMBIE JUBILEE. (They’re kind of slow down there)
In every zombie movie, after the black guy dies, then it’s time for the hot white chick. Near the end of the movie, the useful Asian who fixes things and figures stuff out is supposed to go next. In real life, the Asians were in cahoots with black guys and white chicks on this whole thing, so ACTUALLY they’re the next in line to the human flesh fest.
But the Asian Zombie stays true to character; he’s a really smart zombie (in fact, he’s an electrical engineer college student walking stereotype zombie). He plots out his brain devouring and executes a flawless plan of opening up his very own basement Pei Wei and munches his hearts and brains without all the prying eyes.
I don’t know if you noticed, but the San Antonio Spurs are also in the playoffs. And as much as Tim Duncan looks like a retarded neanderthal, he’s actually an evil genius. Based on the fact that the Spurs win a lot, (they’re like the Patriots of the NBA) they MUST have a deal with the devil too, right? Their uniforms are black and silver, and their logo, a spur, is actually a pentagram used to injure horses in an attempt to control them. Perfectly evil. So naturally, San Antonio has got to be the next city hit by Zombie Party 2012, right? You Betcha!
This next zombie was initially mistaken as the single mom zombie. But we have come to find out, this zombie is the much more dangerous Angry Baby Momma Mexican Zombie, AKA the Chola Zombie. (who happens to be a Spurs fan, because all black and silver teams are beloved by Mexicans – the colors are so gangsta and always match their hairnets) She beheaded her baby and started eating her little baby toes (a delicacy amongst zombies) after a drunken trip to Walmart to buy some more mouthwash (the cheapest buzz foodstamps can buy), an industrial sized bucket of lard (it’s toe taco night after all), and steal some make up.
So far, as of June 1st 2012 the Zombie outbreak is contained to 5 (EDIT: we have been alerted to 3 more Zombie attacks bringing the number up to 8, updates are below). There are rumors of a 9th attack in the Toronto area. But don’t worry, it was just some French homo in Canada tried to get attention and jump on this trend by killing a cat and some other gay dude. Totally not a zombie, just a kid who hates his father and really needs a hug. Or some anal. Or maybe just some love.
DANGER: OTHER CITIES ARE ON WATCH!
Be on the lookout OKC, Boston, and Los Angeles. This Zombie outbreak seems to be spreading to cities who have teams in the playoffs. We’re not yet sure if it only applies to evil teams, or playoff teams. If the playoff theory is wrong and it’s following around the most evil teams in sports, look out New York. You’re pretty much guaranteed to be overrun by asshole zombies who think they are awesome.
I will keep you updated as more zombie attacks are reported. To stay on top of this shit, subscribe and start following me on Facebook and Twitter. And most importantly join our new Zombie Apocalypse Awareness and Support Group on Facebook!
UPDATE 1: San Diego Man Bites his Cousin’s Nose Off
UPDATE 2: (Again in Florida) Man Bites Lips Off Kitten and Strangles Another Cat
UPDATE 3: Contractor Bites Lowe’s Employee in Georgia